relationship/engagement question (long)

I was wondering if any of you mutually decided with ur partner to become engaged or was it a complete surprise when he popped the question.

I have posted b4 saying that my bf and i were thinking of getting engaged at the end of the year. I kno its a girl thing to be talking about weddings and dresses and stuff but I sometimes wonder if im doing the talking about it and he is just agreeing to shut me up:) we have been 2gether for 3 years and we have lived together for over a year already.

I kno i want to be with him 4eva and he says he wants to b with me too but sometimes he wonders if marriage is just nonsense because if we r gonna b together we shouldnt need a piece of paper. He is from divorced parents and i can not think of one good relationship he has to look at as a role model of how great and meaningful life can be with someone.

I told him that i would like to be married by the time i am 25/26 and i would want us to plan and save for at least a year. Since we have been dating for 3 years you would think by the end of this year we would know how strongly committed we r too each other and if this is 4ever. i am scared to 'waste' my time loving someone who cant commit to me 4eva but i dont think an ulimatum is a good idea either. I dont wanna say its my way or no way especailly when we r young (22/23) yet I dont wanna compromise what i want out of life...plus i love him so much i dont want to be with out him yet dont know how to compromise on the situation..any opinions would b awesome thanks!

p.s. im definitly not one of those girls who just wants to get married--i wanna marry HIM--thats a huge difference

To answer your first question..I knew that I was going to marry my FH and I knew that he was going to propose to me but I expected it about 4 months AFTER he did it. we talked about it and he needed a few more months to save some money before buying me a ring...but in the end he just decided to buy me a ring and place it on credit card because we both loved the ring.
Anyway, we were living together for about 10 months when we got engaged. IT was something we always talked about we were just waiting fortiming. I think you need to talk with him about this. Iam sure the both of you have found ways in which you are different from both sets of parents and you could work that into the conversation how your marriage would also be different.
Good luck

First off Ultimatums are NOT the way to go.

No one wants to be forced into marriage.

My husband and I were together 9 years before we got engaged. I was 29 , he was 30.
I know that is a long time,but we had alot of growing up to do over the years before we were ready to settle down. We had our ups and downs so getting married during that time would have been a disaster. After a few years together marriage did come up. We both knew that eventually we would be married, it was just a question of being ready emotionally , financially etc.

Some people think I am nuts for being in a relationship so long, but all I can say is that I am VERY happy!!!!

My FH and I both talked about marriage, kids and all that good stuff. But the proposal was a surprise. I am like your FH and don't really have any real strong commited adults to look up to that has made a genuine relationship last. I also am like him whereas I never really thought I would fall head over heels and wanna get married as bad as I do. But I say all that to say that I do not believe there is a way around your predicament. Marriage is more than a piece of paper. He needs to know that despite that piece of paper you are going to be together forever. I had a cousin who just broke up with her bf of 5 years becasue of this same situation.

I don't think I helped you very much. sorry but I just think he has to want to marry you, no one can force him. He has to believe in your love enough and belief that you two are in it forever. If he believes in this idea I don't think changing his mind is the issue. It then becomes how are YOU going to take charge of your life and do you love him enough to be with him forever without being officially married.

It seems like I have the same background him and I had the same thoughts - I was very antimarriage for many years - but as I matured, and as our relationship grew - I realized I do want to marry HIM. It took me several years (including my single years without him) to get to that point. I feel putting a timetable on something so important can be a risky move. It's something that will happen if its meant to be. You never want him to resent you b/c he feels pressured.

We did discuss the fact that we wanted to marry each other prior to moving in together. The actual timing of the engagement was a surprise!!

I hope that helps.

It sounds as though you are trying to make some tough decisions here. My last long-term relationship was similiar to what you're describing. For me (I was 26) I just knew that the man I was with (he was 32) was not going to make the marriage commitment anytime soon (due to the same reasons as your BF) and while it was a tough decision, I knew I had to end the relationship and hope someone who could and wanted to commit to me for life would come along rather be with someone who could never assure me that there would be a time that he could or want to be with me forever. Months later I met FH and in one of our earliest conversations, we talked about what we were looking for in a relationship and we both were looking for someone to spend our lives with. As our relationship got more serious, we decided together to get engaged. We didn't discuss the details so the proposal itself was a surprise.

My advice to you is to be fair in evaluating your relationship and be honest with yourself about your feelings and what you want. Good Luck!

We mutually decided to get maried.
We were together for over 4 years. We both knew it was forever early on, and then evry once in a while we'd mention getting married, but the process was overwhelming to him while he was in grad school, and for a while he thought it was just a peice of paper, but as I explaiend it, I wanted us to officially be a family.

So, we had a planned approximate time, and it came & went, and then one day I was talking about moving & how I couldn't really plan, b/c I wasn't really sure if & when he was moving in or we were getting married & he kinda just said ok, if we get married in September, we could move in October. . .
I was shocked.
That was the closest to a proposal I got.

Then a few weeks later whe I was talking about neighborhoods to move to he asked why i was was more intersted in that than wedding stuff, and I said b/c we weren't offically engaged, and he said we were.
( I has said for years i didn't want a ring)
so, I told him I was waiting for a proper proposal, but it seeemd silly at that point, so we just went & got a ring, and the next week when it was ready we told our parents. That's the oficall engagement date I use-the date the ring was ready.

Don't do it just to do it. Read the other posts and you'll notice that the word 'mutual' was used a lot. Women don't like to be forced into things. Neither do men. Force or coercion can lead to underlying or subconscious resentment. This will happen if it's supposed to happen. I believe a lot of times that things in life are just meant to be or to not be. Follow your heart and do what's best for you!

I also have friends ina similar situation.
He's not ready, but I think they may get married, b/c it is expected of them & she wants to & I feel bad that she is waiting around for him, and whenver my weddign si mentioned, otehr freidsn say how they'll eb next & she makes little comments, like no, there's no ring. . .& I'm afraid they will be presured into it.

I thin you need to speall out how you fel, without an ultiamtum.

its ok, to let him no, that just living togehter forever is not enough for you, but you don't want him to do anything he's not ready for.

Other than that, try & find some married friends to hang out with. . . .? HE may realize that he wants it to , when he sees other happily married couples.

We talked about it for close to 2 years before he was ready to propose. We both knew that we wanted to be married to each other but he needed more time until he felt ready to make the jump. My FH told me we would be engaged with in a time span and he missed by 7 months. But I am glad he waited to propose because when he did he was ready and has been wonderful with the weddign prep and the house hunting and I dont know that he would have been so involved and excited a year or 2 ago.

I think you are putting too much emphasis on timing. (ie: you want to be married by the tiem you are 25) Sometimes it takes one person alittle longer to reach that spot in their lives where they are ready. He has already commited to you in once sense by living with you (so I do have a feeling he is capable of commitment). I think (of course I dont know him) that if you give him more time he may come around. Due to his background he may just need more reassurance until he sees that marriage is more than just a piece of paper and it can work IMO.

One thing that we did, knowing that one day we wanted to marry each other, was we started saving right after our 2 year anniv. By the time he proposed, we had all the money for the wedding and most of a DP for a house. So timing was up to us at that point and we got to do things the way we wanted. I didnt need a long engagement just to be engaged especially if he wasnt ready to be engaged! So now we are having an 11 month engagement (we wanted shorter but timing with the hall/church didnt work out) we have no debt, we are paying for the wedding ourselves and a house and we are both ready and eager to start our lives together.

Good Luck!

this must be a very difficult thing for you!

First of all, don't even think of forcing him to marry you. I have a friend who did that - she told her boyfriend that she wanted to be engaged by a certain time, and he did propose to her. they were engaged for about 7 months before he left her one day. She claimed that they had been talking marriage for a while before she ever told him when she wanted to be engaged by, but I have a feeling that it was more of her talking and him listening. she is still having trouble coming to terms with that break-up - it's just not worth it.

Second of all, I think this is something you need to talk to your boyfriend about. Tell him your fears, tell him your thoughts and then listen to his thoughts and fears as well. Don't force him into the conversation, becuse most likely he'll shut down (I would), but tell him you'd like to talk to him about your future....in a completely non-pressure situation.

By the way, we came to the decision together. Adter dating for about a year, we started discussing it and then we went and looked at engagement rings together. I knew he had the ring, but he did surprise me with the proposal!

Best of luck to you and your boyfriend!! YOu seem to really care for him and I hope it works out for the two of you!