Repost from BHB...Mothers and Weddings...need some advice

This is sort of Wedding-Related, but I'm over here more and not everyone on this board is planning a wedding so maybe I'll get a wider spectrum of respones...

My mother seems to have lost her mind since I got enagaged. She complains about my engagement being too long, claims I'm shutting her out, blames me for breaking up my family because I got into a fight with my @sshat of a brother and is now crying because I'm not getting married in the Catholic church AND I'm moving in with my FH before we're married. She refuses to talk to me and makes snippy, pointed comments all the time.

Meanwhile, from the very beginning she said it was fine that we're getting married in FHs church, she can't help us with money (therefore, FH and I are paying and need the long engagement to pay for this) and, a year ago, told me if I wanted to live with FH she'd rather I was at least engaged.

It's gotten to the point where I can barely tolerate being around her. She's being over-dramatic and manipulative.

Has anyone had this problem? How did you deal with it? Does it get better?

I don't want to post too many details here, but suffice it to say that my once wonderful relationship with my mother deteriorated during my engagement. Sadly, it was one of the reasons I couldn't wait for my wedding - I just wanted it over with.

Things are back to normal, though, so I guess it was just temporary insanity. There were some awful things said back and forth but I don't think anything was bad enough to cause a permanent rift in our relationship.

I'm SO sorry you're having to go through this. Everyone says that weddings bring out the worst in people, but it's really hard when it's your own mother.

Liz, I too had a psycho Wedding planning mom!!! She kept complaining that she felt left out and that I was letting DH do everything his way...she didn't like the order of the reception, she didn't like the seating chart, she didn't like the menu, etc, etc....

I fought and I cried, I tried to reason...in the end, the day came and went and everything went just fine. All I can tell you is it will get better...there's not much to do in the meantime but just weather it. I think you'll find that most people have had the same/similar problem.

Every once in a while my mom still says I wish we would have done things this way...and I just have to say, mom, it's over!! I think you just have to make it clear to her that it's your wedding - she had hers 40 years ago!! - and you've made your decisions for particular reasons. I think that because you're paying for it yourself you have an advantage...

When my parents found out that I was moving in with DH (then my FH) they offered for me to move in with THEM and said that DH could come visit me on the weekends. Uh, yeah, so they really thought that I was going to quit my awesome job to move back to New York and live with my parents and have DH drive 5 hours each way every weekend so he could visit me? Huh? All to accomplish what? To keep me pure in the eyes of the church? So I guess they thought I was a 33 year old virgin????
Ugh. Anyway, it DID get better. Now that we're married, my parents are really happy for us, and love DH to pieces.

So hugs to you and hang in there.....

As awful as it is to say, I'm glad I'm not alone! The ridiculous thing is....she HAS no plans for the wedding! Just all these vague feelings of being left out and ignored! Friday night she started to get all weepy, and by then I'd had enough. She started to cry about how unhappy this engagement has been for her... I'm her first daughter to get married and she's not included... I said to her 'we haven't planned anything except the hall and YOU WERE THERE FOR THAT! YOU ALMOST BACKED OUT, BUT I MADE YOU COME TO BE PART OF MY WEDDING!'
The first time I looked at dresses (just for fun, to get in the spirit of things) she didn't want to come!

I can't deal with her psuedo-martyr complex.

Yes, mother's do lose their minds. Thankfully my mom was to busy with some personal things to really bother me about the wedding.

But my MIL started to give me a little trouble. She complained at first about us getting married on LI. DH and his family were all on Staten Island and MIL doesn't really travel much. I pretty much told her as nicely as possible that if it were up to me DH and I would have eloped on some tropical island somewhere and it's because of you that we are having a traditional wedding, so I wouldn't complain about an hour's drive if I were you.

I understand and please do not take it the wrong way, but I did not have my Mom or Dad around for my wedding. They both passed away . Try to take it from where it comes from, they only mean well.I understand that it is hard that she is getting too involved and this wedding is about you and FH, but just remember you cannot replace your parents. I would do anything to have had them there thru the planning process and being there for my big day. This is just my opinion.

---

Posted by princess99

I understand and please do not take it the wrong way, but I did not have my Mom or Dad around for my wedding. They both passed away . Try to take it from where it comes from, they only mean well.I understand that it is hard that she is getting too involved and this wedding is about you and FH, but just remember you cannot replace your parents. I would do anything to have had them there thru the planning process and being there for my big day. This is just my opinion.

---

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for your day. I understand and I do try to take it in stride, but the problem is not that she is TOO involved, it's that she shuts me out and then complains about my life after I've made the decisions and tries to guilt me into things to make her happy.

In some ways I wish she WOULD be super-involved rather than uninterested before the fact and disapproving after.

sounds kind of like FH's mom. Maybe t's empty nest syndrome? I don;t know. i have o advice,but