Rogue BM- Update at bottom!

I have been informed now by 3 separate people that one of my BMs is basically just being a giant beech. My mother and two sisters have been trying to contact her now for a month, email, phone, everything, regarding the shower. My mother is paying for the shower itself, and all she asked of the girls is that they decide amongst themselves how games, decorations, etc. would be handled. So my sisters, (MOHs) have been taking care of this, and my one problem BM has basically said eff you in her lack of response.

Now the invites have gone out, and she hasn't bothered to get back to either of my sisters offering to contribute anything, nor tell my mother if she even plans on gracing us with her presence. My mother is PISSED, because she feels it's a lack of respect. They tried one last email earlier in the week, which has gone ignored. I know she's around, because I've spoken to her, and she hasn't mentioned boo about any of this to me, because I don't think she knows that it's not a surprise.

My mother is giving her till Sunday to respond to the 10+ phone calls and emails, and then she is going to sic my older sister on her for good. I feel I should step in now and get involved as well, even though it's probably in 'poor taste' since it's my shower. But my mother and sisters are starting to resent the fact that I asked her to be in it, knowing the way she is and that she was going to act this way. And that's true, it's totally my fault. I don't understand why she accepted if she had no intention of doing anything. And it's not like we're asking a lot...just a show of respect by acknowledging someone is asking you to return their phone call/email!!!

Would you say at this point, let it go, and if she doesn't show throw her out, or continue the game of cat and mouse only get involved myself now?

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Posted by GRod2Be

I say speak to her and if she shows no type of remorse then bye bye BM.

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ITA.

Im sorry you are going through this Ali

I would def. step in right now and talk to her to see whats up. Your mother and sisters have had enough and they will only say bad things about her from here on out if things dont improve. I would def. tell her that your mother and sisters have been trying to get in contact with her, but havent heard anything back and you wanted to know what was going on. Say that they want her to be involved and included, etc... Is there a lot going on with her right now? Work & school? Maybe she has just been very busy lately....OR has she been like this the whole time??

If shes been like this the whole time... I would def ask her why she accpeted to be your BM? If she didnt want to make any effort and if she didnt have time, she could have told you the truth... Hopefully you can get some answers.

she sounds like one of my ex-BM's. she backed out via MYSPACE message. real cool.

have you gone for BM dresses yet? cuz that's when my ex-BM backed out. it was before any shower talk had begun and i guess the thought of spending money on a BM dress, etc. was just too much for her. i didn't really mind though, cuz we really aren't that close anymore and it's one less BM gift i have to buy.

anyway, sorry you have to go through this isht. even if you do know about your shower, you shouldn't have to put up with this. i agree that you should def. step in and talk to her and just get to the bottom of it. it will help you and your mom and sisters avoid a lot of stress and headaches. good luck!

I know it ***** - my FSIL is my 'rogue BM' she claims to be excited, but hasn't done anything to contribute, or even go for a fitting...she's gained a bit of weight and I'm afraid her dress won't fit. SHe didn't even show to my shower...

So all I have to say is I'm sorry this is happening, and you are not alone

I would mention it to her. At this point... being that so many tireless efforts have been made by the other parties... I think it's safe for you to step in. I think yuo should do it diplomatically though. Since she is still responding to you... then don't say anything liek We need to talk or any of that. Instead just casually call her or ask to hang out one night and explain that some people are having a hard time getting in touch with her. Then to be polite ask if there is anything going on that she might want to share with you. Give her a chance to talk to you. Only ask open ended questions or you may not get an answer at all. Explain to her where your family and other BM's are coming from. Tell her you really appreciate your friendship but that you need to know if she WANTS to be in the wedding party. Let her feel comfortable saying yes or NO... so stress to her that it's OK if she doesn't feel she is up for it... but that you just NEED to know because it's starting to hinder the planning process.

I think when getting involved it's important to choose the correct words and come in from an angle that shows you are concerned and you care. THis way you don't start any sort of riot. Your ultimate goal is to keep the peace while getting the results you need.

Good Luck!


EDIT to add that I wrote MOH a DETAILED email... and she came to my house yesterday and appologized for the way she has been acting in person!!! I wrote down all the thigns I was feeling and backed everything up with examples. I was honest but it all came from a good place. Nothing that i wrote was nasty or attackish. It was a very results oriented email that also showed that I cared.

Well, your wedding is in Dec so honestly, you def have time to kich her out and replace her if you want

edt: did they buy dresses yet?

The dresses have already been bought and came in, deposits thus far. The KICKER is that she was the only one who had to pay the extra material fee too. So I have this moral dilemma of throwing her out when her dress was the most money of all of them.

Ugh, it's just such a mess. She's not in school, and she only works part time. It's not that she's busy and has a lot going on, believe me. She's just being insufferable, on purpose, and it pisses me off because everyone is playing right in to her little trap. She really doesn't want to be involved with anyone, so she's making it so no one wants to. My one friend and her are BARELY on speaking terms, my older sister wants nothing to do with her for the way she's acting, my mother wants nothing to do with her because she thinks she'll just eff everything up on purpose...and it infuriates me, because I'm like don't you see that this is exactly what she wants??? Don't play in to her BS and just show up at her door and drag her out yourselves!

I know the same horse and pony show is going to go on with my bparty, RD, etc., so that's the only reason why I'm going to have to get involved. I just feel incredibly tacky tracking down people to throw me a party or to come to my own party to give me gifts

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Posted by KerriJohnS


EDIT to add that I wrote MOH a DETAILED email... and she came to my house yesterday and appologized for the way she has been acting in person!!! I wrote down all the thigns I was feeling and backed everything up with examples. I was honest but it all came from a good place. Nothing that i wrote was nasty or attackish. It was a very results oriented email that also showed that I cared.

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good for you!!! sometimes i think just sitting down and telling someone how you feel can go a long way!!

this is what i would do...right now nothing...go on with the shower as if she is not part of it..

then if she decides to grace u with her presence at the shower have ur mom go over and give her a nice little talk..have her say how surprised n dissapointed she is in her for acting this way,and how she thought she was ur friend etc etc

sometimes it takes a good scare from mom to straighten a biotch out

I'm sorry Ali, this is the girl that you had the sit down with before you ask her, right?

I would talk to her about it and be honest and ITA with Kerri!

It's your shower, you should NOT have to get involved, that is BS. If you are organizing your own bparty and RD, that is a different story. But I'd let your mom/BP worry about her with the shower. That is the one thing we shouldn't have to worry about!

And ps, I feel you. One FSIL I haven't seen since oh, christmas, neither has the rest of her family, bc she fell off the face of the planet when she moved in with her douchbag to the supreme bf.......and she lives 5 min away from them..... the only thing I asked them to do was order their dresses- we picked them out in JANUARY, I asked them to order them by April 30 and sent them all detailed instructions.... she JUSt ordered it last Thursday, and all I got was a text from her bf's phone saying 'sorry it took me so long i've been broke.' Her phone was turned off so I couldn't even contact her. If you can barely live on your unemployment checks... you didn't HAVE to say yes and cause me extra stress....

K, tangent over.

I would say that if she doesn't respond to your Mom by Sunday, instead of having your sister say something and having there be drama, why don't you just be honest with her and ask her whats going on. Thats what I would do. Honesty is the best policy. If she's your friend she will understand that your feelings are hurt and shes being a PITA to your sisters and Mom.

If she seems disinterested then I would say - bye!

Got home from work a few minutes ago, and was informed that she responded to my sister's last ditch email from earlier this week, and she apologized for it taking so long because she's been busy at work and said she was coming and asked if there was anything she should do.

Which is fair enough...except that she is at home on her computer from like 7-midnight every night lol. So I guess I don't need to throw a smackdown yet, but I am still a little annoyed at how this all transpired. I hope my sister gave her a laundry list of duties.