RSVP article from Newsday
http://www.newsday.com/mynews/ny-adcova4262199may16,0,1236987.story
You're requested to RSVP
What's become of the simple courtesy of answering an invitation?
BY SHAWNA VANNESS
Shawna VanNess is a news manager at Newsday.com.
May 16, 2005
There they were, those rows of pristine white wedding invitations with crisp black script lettering and delicate silver borders. Ten weeks before her wedding, Alison Kamler tenderly tucked creamy white RSVP cards inside tiny stamped addressed envelopes and mailed the ensembles off to 280 guests invited to the June 5 event.
But all was not soon-to-be wedded bliss.
With less than a month till the big day, Kamler, 27, still isn't sure who's coming.
'It's frustrating,' says Kamler, a North Bellmore resident. 'They have the card, they have the stamp,' so why is it she's missing the official 'gladly accepts' or 'kindly regrets' from nearly 40 people?
'I think that's just really the lowest of the low,' says Manhattan-based manners expert Charlotte Ford, the author of '21st Century Etiquette' (Penguin, $14). 'What does it take to respond - one minute?'
Indeed, RSVP is the long-standing English translation for 'Répondez, s'il vous plaît,' or 'respond, please,' yet party planners, etiquette experts and engaged couples say they're appalled at how many guests don't bother.
'You have to know,' says Leigh Harrington, 26, a Manhattan resident who regularly organizes special bashes for friends and is getting married in September. Caterers need head counts, brides want to plan seating and hosts have to know how many steaks to get for dinner, points out Harrington, who works in advertising.
Costly just-in-case
Rates for peak-season catered events on weekend nights in the metro area can easily top $100 a plate, so paying for a few dozen guests who don't RSVP 'just in case' they decide to show can spell big bucks.
So what's the problem?
'This has been going on for a long time,' says etiquette expert and author Peggy Post, but lately it seems to be spreading like an epidemic. Guests may lose RSVP cards or forget to phone the host. Some may feel self-conscious declining while a few may think they're only supposed to respond if they're coming. Others are just taking their time.
'People are just so afraid to commit,' says Harrington. For her last soiree, she sent 35 e-mail invites through the free Web service Evite.com. The site prompted guests to simply click a button to indicate whether they'd attend, but more than half her invitees didn't respond.
Her theory? Most were waiting for a better offer.
'They figure if they don't RSVP, the worst that can happen is that they just show up - they're not going to get kicked out.'
Not so fast.
Guests who fail to RSVP to Teralynn Elan's June 18 wedding in West Hempstead but have the gall to show up anyway are in for a surprise (unless, of course, they read this).
'They will get to the reception and realize there isn't a seat for them,' says Elan, 38, an interior designer who lives in South Ozone Park.
Ouch.
But she has her reasons, and protecting her pre-wedding time and energy are among them. Responding to an RSVP, she says, 'is a responsibility for people who want to come.'
'These are adults we're talking about,' she adds. 'We're not going to make excuses for them.'
Knowing exactly how many guests will be attending a wedding or bar mitzvah may help for logistical reasons, but when it comes to dinner parties and other intimate events, experts say it's critical.
Hosts need to know how many meals to prepare and how many place settings to lay out on the dining room table. 'If somebody shows up, you'd have to squeeze them in,' Ford says.
To lessen the odds of a surprise, she recommends phoning guests who've not responded to an invitation, leaving messages, if necessary.
And if somebody suddenly surfaces at your doorstep anyway?
'You muster up as much graciousness as you can and welcome the person,' says Post. Even if it means giving up your own meal.
Dialing for answers
Certainly non-RSVPing is bad behavior, but experts agree guests who are lax should be phoned for a verbal response. Clearing the air this way will leave less to chance on the day of the event, Post says, and it prevents strained relationships later.
'Try to be as gracious as possible,' says Post. 'Don't show how frustrated you are.' Confirm the invitation was received, then say warmly, ''we hope you can join us.' '
Guests who still squirm at this point will need to be nudged for a final answer, says Ford.
Don't allow them any more time. Put them on the spot.
'How embarrassing is that?' says Kamler. She's ticking questionables off her list every day by e-mailing offenders or getting others to call on her behalf.
It's a little awkward, but she says it's easier if she focuses on getting answers and resists the urge to make people feel foolish for not responding.
Sometimes the best lesson comes from first-hand experience.
Says Harrington, 'Now that I'm having a wedding, I look back at the times when I've waited until the last minute and think, 'How rude!''
STRATEGIES
Strategies abound for minimizing RSVP stress for hosts and guests. Here's a look at the latest and what they mean:
RSVP, Regrets only
Only guests who can't attend need to reply and those who can't make it should feel more compelled to respond, knowing the host will be planning on their presence.
RSVP by ...
Guests should respond yes or no by the date indicated on the invitation. Setting a date gives guests a deadline and hosts a benchmark by when to start following up with guests who haven't replied.
RSVP by e-mail
Guests respond via e-mail to the host. Unlike phone calls, e-mails can be sent without regard to time of day or location.
Evite.com
The free Web-based invitation service sends e-mail invitations with links for guests to indicate whether they're coming. Hosts can track when guests view their invites and see at any given time who's responded yes, no or maybe. Best for casual gatherings like barbecues or birthday parties.
RSVP service
Hosts can put the dirty work of policing the guest list in somebody else's hands altogether. A third-party company manages the responses, and guests who don't respond are called for an answer. The cost? About $200 to track 100 to 125 invitations.
YOU FORGOT?
So you slipped and forgot to RSVP to the last party invitation you received. Now the fete has come and gone, and you're feeling guilty about being so rude that you never told the host you couldn't attend.
Don't allow the oversight to ruin your relationship, says R. Thomas Boone, a social psychologist at St. John's University.
Send an e-mail, make a phone call or reach out to the host another way. 'I would show up with a bottle of wine and say, 'I owe you one. I'm really sorry,'' Boone says.
Whatever the method, do it as soon as possible, because the guilt you're feeling and the tension in the relationship will only worsen.
'Everybody has a busy schedule now,' Boone says. If you know you're a procrastinator when it comes to making phone calls, try e-mailing or text messaging RSVPs as soon as the invites arrives. Even if it's not the designated means to reply your intentions, surely the host will think it's better than no response at all.
DONT BULLY THE HOST
Perhaps equally as frustrating as no response to an invitation is getting an RSVP from a guest who bends the rules.
Consider any of the following - somebody indicates they'll be bringing their children to an adults-only affair, someone invited solo RSVPs for a party of two, or a guest demands not to be seated next to so-and-so at dinner.
Bride-to-be Teralynn Elan of South Ozone Park has already dealt with all this and more as she prepares to get married next month. To avoid honest confusion (and curtail RSVP abuse), Elan filled in the 'number attending' space on each guest's response card before mailing the invite.
She's fielded a tense phone call or two. 'Be stern,' she advises other brides. 'It's an honor to be invited in the first place.'
If an invited guest is married, engaged or lives with a significant other, it's actually not a faux pas to call the host to inquire about bringing that companion along, says etiquette expert Peggy Post. The omission was likely an oversight and hosts should accommodate, unless there's an overriding issue with finances or space.
But belaboring the host with requests to accommodate kids, friends or other third parties is almost always inappropriate.
Says Post, 'Don't bully the person doing the inviting.'
Copyright 2005 Newsday Inc.
You're requested to RSVP
What's become of the simple courtesy of answering an invitation?
BY SHAWNA VANNESS
Shawna VanNess is a news manager at Newsday.com.
May 16, 2005
There they were, those rows of pristine white wedding invitations with crisp black script lettering and delicate silver borders. Ten weeks before her wedding, Alison Kamler tenderly tucked creamy white RSVP cards inside tiny stamped addressed envelopes and mailed the ensembles off to 280 guests invited to the June 5 event.
But all was not soon-to-be wedded bliss.
With less than a month till the big day, Kamler, 27, still isn't sure who's coming.
'It's frustrating,' says Kamler, a North Bellmore resident. 'They have the card, they have the stamp,' so why is it she's missing the official 'gladly accepts' or 'kindly regrets' from nearly 40 people?
'I think that's just really the lowest of the low,' says Manhattan-based manners expert Charlotte Ford, the author of '21st Century Etiquette' (Penguin, $14). 'What does it take to respond - one minute?'
Indeed, RSVP is the long-standing English translation for 'Répondez, s'il vous plaît,' or 'respond, please,' yet party planners, etiquette experts and engaged couples say they're appalled at how many guests don't bother.
'You have to know,' says Leigh Harrington, 26, a Manhattan resident who regularly organizes special bashes for friends and is getting married in September. Caterers need head counts, brides want to plan seating and hosts have to know how many steaks to get for dinner, points out Harrington, who works in advertising.
Costly just-in-case
Rates for peak-season catered events on weekend nights in the metro area can easily top $100 a plate, so paying for a few dozen guests who don't RSVP 'just in case' they decide to show can spell big bucks.
So what's the problem?
'This has been going on for a long time,' says etiquette expert and author Peggy Post, but lately it seems to be spreading like an epidemic. Guests may lose RSVP cards or forget to phone the host. Some may feel self-conscious declining while a few may think they're only supposed to respond if they're coming. Others are just taking their time.
'People are just so afraid to commit,' says Harrington. For her last soiree, she sent 35 e-mail invites through the free Web service Evite.com. The site prompted guests to simply click a button to indicate whether they'd attend, but more than half her invitees didn't respond.
Her theory? Most were waiting for a better offer.
'They figure if they don't RSVP, the worst that can happen is that they just show up - they're not going to get kicked out.'
Not so fast.
Guests who fail to RSVP to Teralynn Elan's June 18 wedding in West Hempstead but have the gall to show up anyway are in for a surprise (unless, of course, they read this).
'They will get to the reception and realize there isn't a seat for them,' says Elan, 38, an interior designer who lives in South Ozone Park.
Ouch.
But she has her reasons, and protecting her pre-wedding time and energy are among them. Responding to an RSVP, she says, 'is a responsibility for people who want to come.'
'These are adults we're talking about,' she adds. 'We're not going to make excuses for them.'
Knowing exactly how many guests will be attending a wedding or bar mitzvah may help for logistical reasons, but when it comes to dinner parties and other intimate events, experts say it's critical.
Hosts need to know how many meals to prepare and how many place settings to lay out on the dining room table. 'If somebody shows up, you'd have to squeeze them in,' Ford says.
To lessen the odds of a surprise, she recommends phoning guests who've not responded to an invitation, leaving messages, if necessary.
And if somebody suddenly surfaces at your doorstep anyway?
'You muster up as much graciousness as you can and welcome the person,' says Post. Even if it means giving up your own meal.
Dialing for answers
Certainly non-RSVPing is bad behavior, but experts agree guests who are lax should be phoned for a verbal response. Clearing the air this way will leave less to chance on the day of the event, Post says, and it prevents strained relationships later.
'Try to be as gracious as possible,' says Post. 'Don't show how frustrated you are.' Confirm the invitation was received, then say warmly, ''we hope you can join us.' '
Guests who still squirm at this point will need to be nudged for a final answer, says Ford.
Don't allow them any more time. Put them on the spot.
'How embarrassing is that?' says Kamler. She's ticking questionables off her list every day by e-mailing offenders or getting others to call on her behalf.
It's a little awkward, but she says it's easier if she focuses on getting answers and resists the urge to make people feel foolish for not responding.
Sometimes the best lesson comes from first-hand experience.
Says Harrington, 'Now that I'm having a wedding, I look back at the times when I've waited until the last minute and think, 'How rude!''
STRATEGIES
Strategies abound for minimizing RSVP stress for hosts and guests. Here's a look at the latest and what they mean:
RSVP, Regrets only
Only guests who can't attend need to reply and those who can't make it should feel more compelled to respond, knowing the host will be planning on their presence.
RSVP by ...
Guests should respond yes or no by the date indicated on the invitation. Setting a date gives guests a deadline and hosts a benchmark by when to start following up with guests who haven't replied.
RSVP by e-mail
Guests respond via e-mail to the host. Unlike phone calls, e-mails can be sent without regard to time of day or location.
Evite.com
The free Web-based invitation service sends e-mail invitations with links for guests to indicate whether they're coming. Hosts can track when guests view their invites and see at any given time who's responded yes, no or maybe. Best for casual gatherings like barbecues or birthday parties.
RSVP service
Hosts can put the dirty work of policing the guest list in somebody else's hands altogether. A third-party company manages the responses, and guests who don't respond are called for an answer. The cost? About $200 to track 100 to 125 invitations.
YOU FORGOT?
So you slipped and forgot to RSVP to the last party invitation you received. Now the fete has come and gone, and you're feeling guilty about being so rude that you never told the host you couldn't attend.
Don't allow the oversight to ruin your relationship, says R. Thomas Boone, a social psychologist at St. John's University.
Send an e-mail, make a phone call or reach out to the host another way. 'I would show up with a bottle of wine and say, 'I owe you one. I'm really sorry,'' Boone says.
Whatever the method, do it as soon as possible, because the guilt you're feeling and the tension in the relationship will only worsen.
'Everybody has a busy schedule now,' Boone says. If you know you're a procrastinator when it comes to making phone calls, try e-mailing or text messaging RSVPs as soon as the invites arrives. Even if it's not the designated means to reply your intentions, surely the host will think it's better than no response at all.
DONT BULLY THE HOST
Perhaps equally as frustrating as no response to an invitation is getting an RSVP from a guest who bends the rules.
Consider any of the following - somebody indicates they'll be bringing their children to an adults-only affair, someone invited solo RSVPs for a party of two, or a guest demands not to be seated next to so-and-so at dinner.
Bride-to-be Teralynn Elan of South Ozone Park has already dealt with all this and more as she prepares to get married next month. To avoid honest confusion (and curtail RSVP abuse), Elan filled in the 'number attending' space on each guest's response card before mailing the invite.
She's fielded a tense phone call or two. 'Be stern,' she advises other brides. 'It's an honor to be invited in the first place.'
If an invited guest is married, engaged or lives with a significant other, it's actually not a faux pas to call the host to inquire about bringing that companion along, says etiquette expert Peggy Post. The omission was likely an oversight and hosts should accommodate, unless there's an overriding issue with finances or space.
But belaboring the host with requests to accommodate kids, friends or other third parties is almost always inappropriate.
Says Post, 'Don't bully the person doing the inviting.'
Copyright 2005 Newsday Inc.
