Sad and confused.....

...Sorry for the sad post on Christmas Eve but, for all of the girls on here who have unfortunately lost their dad, are you having problems with the holidays and this whole wedding thing?

I'm trying so hard to keep it together but it's not that easy. I just got back from the cemetary and I'm about to lose it. Besides the holidays being hard and missing my dad more than anything (it will be 3 years this February), the whole wedding thing is killing me.

My parents were divorced a long time prior to my dad's accident/death. I love my stepfather-he's a great guy but he is not my dad. He wasn't before my dad died and he isn't now. I want everyone to be happy. I don't feel it's right to penalize my mom or stepfather by not asking him to be part of things. But, I feel beyond guilty allowing him to be part of things when my dad can't be. But, I don't want to hurt my stepfather or my mom either. I want to know if it's ripping my dad's heart out if my stepfather is in wedding pics and he isn't. I want to know if it's going to kill my dad when FH and I have kids and they call my stepfather grandpa or whatever. Do any of you girls in this situation think about these things? If so, how are you dealing with it? I'm having my mom walk me down the aisle and I'm dancing the father/daughter dance with my brother but I still feel bad that my stepdad will be there for everything that my dad dreamed of my whole life. AHHH!!! Ok, I'm sorry for being a downer on Christmas Eve.

I am so sorry i wish i knew what to say but all i can say is that I am sorry you have to deal with this

don't get sad thinking that its hurting your dad that your step-father will be in pics and all that. He knows he is #1 in your heart and if he was around it would be him...he understands and i think on that day when he is looking down on you, he won't be hurt or angry but just happy to see his beautiful daughter on the happiest day of her life

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way- its a very tough time of year when you lost someone close- I will keep you in my prayers

awwww Tara....I'm sorry!

Honestly...there is no good answers to any of your questions. Its one of those...it is what it is...even though it is incredibly hard.

I hope I'm not out of line, but, I'm sure your dad would want your wedding to be a happy time. I believe it would upset him more if he knew you were upset, because you were worrying about how he would feel. I'm sure your step-dad and mom care about you very much. I'm willing to bet they both know you are struggling with not having your dad there too. Unfortunately, there isn't anything anyone can say to make it easier. Stay strong!!! The people around you are so excited for your wedding. Just know your dad would be too. Get your crys out and feel free to talk to us ANYTIME you need to.

Hang in there.

Tara, I lost my Dad in 1971. It was a sudden death, at age 43 and I was 22. He was not there to walk me down the aisle either. My Mom never remarried. I think the feelings you're having are normal. It took me years before I could not start crying when I thought of Dad. I still do sometimes.
But, I know this, your Dad would not want his little girl to be hurting. Love and prayers for you, Tara,that THE LORD will lift your burden for you. Hugs!!!! Mary MOB

I just read your post, and I had written up a whole deal just to realize that I was not logged in..

I am sorry you are going through this.. I feel that every dad from the day they have a daughter, has dreamt about her wedding.. and has doted on her more than anything..

I hope that you find the strength within to believe that you dad is not far away from you.. you can have you step father involved but only to the extent you want him too... no one will ever question you.. and if they do.. then i hope you find the answer to those questions in your heart..

I am a firm believer that the people you love the most and loves you the most, are never far away from you.. even in death, they are still with you.. so as your mom walks you down, I am sure your dad will join you.. and that you will feel his presence.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday season..

Thanks everyone! I just don't want anyone to be hurt or upset -especially my dad. And I just wish he could tell me himself that he's okay and happy with everything. The weekend before he was in the car accident, we were at my cousins house playing with his kids , and he told me how jealous he was of his older brother (my uncle) because he has 3 grandchildren. He was teasing me that I needed to hurry up and meet a nice guy because he wants to walk me down the aisle and give him grandkids to spoil. And then he went away on vacation and never came home. And now he's missing everything. It's just hard- I want everyone to be happy and I know my mom and stepdad deserve to be included in everything but I just don't want my dad to be hurting. But I know you are all right, I know my dad would be hurting more to know that I am upset.

First of all for you. I lost my dad 6 years ago the other day and I know how difficult it is around holdiays. If you ever need to talk please FM me.

I have the same situation with my stepdad. My parents divorced when I was a teenager and my mom remarried almost 4 years ago. MY brothers are walking me down the aisle and I am dancing with them.

I feel bad about my stepdad but it just doesn't feel right dancing with him, etc because he is not my dad. He does alot for us and is good to us but it isn't the same. He will be in pictures but other than that I would feel like I am replacing my dad who is irreplacable.

As far as the grandpa situation, it is sad but for my child's sake that is the only grandpa they will ever know so I don't have a problem with that. Of course I will still explain to them who their real grandpa is but I want them to call my stepdad grandpa.

Hi Kim,
I'm so sorry for your loss too It's weird- everyone says things will get easier but I don't see that happening. And as you said 6 years and it's still so hard for you. FH's dad died in the line of duty when FH was only 12 and FBIL was only 10. He says things eventually get a little easier but they never go away. Holidays and weddings make it that much harder.

I feel as you do- my step dad is a wonderful guy. But my dad is not replacable. My step dad will be in the pictures and all that but he will not walk me down the aisle or take the father daughter dance- although, I know he would be honored if I asked him. As for grandkids- you said it perfectly. I wouldnt want to penalize my future children by not letting them have another grandpa but I will definitely explain to my kids (when they are old enough to understand) that they have another grandpa that would have loved them very much. It's just so hard to think that he's gone and won't be here for all of these things.

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Posted by SoontobeMrsMc

Hi Kim,
I'm so sorry for your loss too It's weird- everyone says things will get easier but I don't see that happening. And as you said 6 years and it's still so hard for you. FH's dad died in the line of duty when FH was only 12 and FBIL was only 10. He says things eventually get a little easier but they never go away. Holidays and weddings make it that much harder.

I feel as you do- my step dad is a wonderful guy. But my dad is not replacable. My step dad will be in the pictures and all that but he will not walk me down the aisle or take the father daughter dance- although, I know he would be honored if I asked him. As for grandkids- you said it perfectly. I wouldnt want to penalize my future children by not letting them have another grandpa but I will definitely explain to my kids (when they are old enough to understand) that they have another grandpa that would have loved them very much. It's just so hard to think that he's gone and won't be here for all of these things.

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I know it is so hard and unfair but sadly there is nothing that we can do. All we can do is remember the good memories and hold onto them and just remember our dads and keep them with us in our hearts everyday

I'm so sorry you have to go through this...I can't even imagine how diffisult this must be for you but your dad WILL be there....maybe not physically, but just know that he will be there with you. (I know it sounds sappy but I believe its true)....FMIL passed a while ago and my FH's brother got married over the summer, it was supposed to rain that day and it was GORGEOUS out. We KNEW! They also got a piece of mail sent to her that day....its sounds so silly but they haven't gotten mail sent there to her in YEARS! Its almost like her way of saying that she showed up for the occasion.

Just make sure you keep him in your heart. I'm sure your step-dad will understand. You're going to have a beautiful wedding. As long as you keep your father in your heart he'll be there with you. Merry Christmas. I'll say a prayer for you guys tonight

Thank you! You have all been so sweet and helpful. I can't tell you how much it has helped knowing I have you guys to talk to. Thank you

i am so sorry
i know there are no words to make things better,

just remember, its ok to 'lose it' and cry your eyes out for hours if you need to - it DOES help