Sensitive Invitation Question

I have 2 cousins that are challenged. They are both about my age, one has pretty severe cp, and the other is autistic. Sadly, the autistic one isn't brought out very often because of how difficult he is to control.

We are not very close with their parents because of a history of disagreements. But since they are our first cousins we will probably invite them as a formality - and they will come out of respect. Strange.... I know!

Here is my question - do I put the names of their handicapped sons on the invitation as well. They probably won't bring them, but I really cant say for sure. If I put them on the invite, will they feel obligated to give an excuse if they don't want to bring them? Could I actually invite some of the family and leave them off the invite. I think that would be horrible, but if they come they will probably act out during the ceremony. Is there etiquette on this?
Uggg I feel so bad about it

IMO..i don't think you have anything to feel bad about..
THis is the situation..they aren't appropriate for a wedding atmosphere...The parent sknow this i am sure...
So no i wouldn't put their names on the invite..

Personally I would NOT invite the sons. Address the invite as 'Mr & Mrs So-and-so' and if they ask or RSVP for more than just the 2 of them, nicely explain you are trying to keep #s down and costs down...so you must keep the list short.

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Posted by oct.2004bride

IMO..i don't think you have anything to feel bad about..
THis is the situation..they aren't appropriate for a wedding atmosphere...The parent sknow this i am sure...
So no i wouldn't put their names on the invite..

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thanks -

Could I invite their brothers and not them? I actually really like one of the brothers - more that both his parents. I would hate to leave out one brother because I couldn't invite the other. I just want to be fair

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Posted by kelleherkm

Personally I would NOT invite the sons. Address the invite as 'Mr & Mrs So-and-so' and if they ask or RSVP for more than just the 2 of them, nicely explain you are trying to keep #s down and costs down...so you must keep the list short.

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actually thats a good idea. if I want to invite the other sons, perhaps I can send another invite.

Totally understand..
My FH and I each have an Autistic cousin. I approached the topic with my Aunt right after we book our date and hall. I asked her if she wanted him (and his brother) at the wedding... that I was leaving it up to her, because I couldn't make that decision. She said she would enjoy the night out along with my uncle...
FH's cousin is another story. He actually does not live with his family anymore, he lives in a group home. He still comes to all of the family functions, and yes, his outbursts can be a little trying on members of the family at times. But I wouldn't think it would be a party without him there....
I would try to approach the subject with your aunt or uncle and just ask them point blank. They may be far more understanding than you think. Just let them know you don't want to insult or hurt anyones feelings.. and so on... Sorry to write a book, but I know how much of a touchy subject it truly is:) Good luck, and I'm sure you will do what is right for you and your wedding:)

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Posted by Ronkonkomonga

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Posted by oct.2004bride

IMO..i don't think you have anything to feel bad about..
THis is the situation..they aren't appropriate for a wedding atmosphere...The parent sknow this i am sure...
So no i wouldn't put their names on the invite..

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thanks -

Could I invite their brothers and not them? I actually really like one of the brothers - more that both his parents. I would hate to leave out one brother because I couldn't invite the other. I just want to be fair

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YES you can..i would do a separate invitation!
I understand you situations completely...I work with the MR and mentally ill population and let's face it...they parents are realistic about these things and wouldn't feel that what you are doing is rude and unfair at all. If you are really worried you can just try talking to them about it...but since you don't have the best relationship i would just do what you want...
It isn't rude at all! You have nothing to feel bad about!

We had a similar situation. My great aunt and uncle have 3 grown children. One of them is severely autistic and lives in a residential setting. We did not invite her, but did invite my father's other two cousins and their spouses. It is well accepted that having my father's autistic cousin at the wedding would be disruptive, especially for my great aunt and uncle, who are too old and frail to really take care of her, and for her siblings.

I work with the disabled and MR population as well, and at first it didn't sit well with me to be excluding her, but I understood why we had to.

I would address the invitation in the following way:

The Smith Family

It's technically not proper etiquette, but I think it covers alot more and gives the parent more leeway. They can RSVP w/just the one son that would be fine going... or not. And you won't be offending anyone because technically the whole family is invited.