Hi guys, i hope you can help. i have a friend for over 35 years... she has had one boyfriend her whole life... they got married a few years ago.. (more on that later) Unfortunately the man she chose to spend her life with is a drug addict... Now i have stood by her, gone on jail visits, everything for over 20 years with her.. I have never judged either of them because that is who she chose to love and give her life to.. My issue is..... i dont want him at my wedding.. Am i wrong to tell her that while i love her dearly and would love to have her there, he is unstable and unpredictable and i really would prefer he not attend? Just a side note, he is a heavy drug user, not just weed. i mean like crack, and meth.. he got arrested the night of his own wedding for fighting and ditching the reception to get high. so how can i say to her you are welcome but he is not?
MrsSparacino2B
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Very tough subject, you've got some time b4 you have to make you decision; maybe he'll get his act together(doesn't sound likely though). In the case that he doesn't, I would just be honest and explain your concerns to your friend. This is one of the biggest moments in your life and you're paying a lot of money to make sure this day goes well. She should be understanding and respect your wishes. Good Luck!!
MrsSparacino2B
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double post sry!
xBudgetBridex
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be prepared to loose a friend if u say that. I'm sorry. you have been so supportive for all this time it will be a harsh surprise to hear now. again sorry just being honest
Diorprincess
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I have a friend like that..... well my friend is the actual addict, not like her bf. I don't even think she'll notice not being invited at least not until afterwards.... I just didn't want to risk her doing anything bad in front of my entire family, or fh's family. it's bad enough my mom sees her fb status's begging for drugs... anyway.
I'd be honest and explain how you don't want him there. she should understand if he's really that bad. it's nothing against her but who wants an unstable might get in a fight and end up with the cops being involved at their wedding? addicts have no place at a wedding they are unpredictable.
most likely it's gonna be him complaining to her after she tells him he can't come. because addicts never understand how bad they are.
cupcakegal930
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I had this same situation with one of my closest friends although they weren't married. I honestly had thought about not even inviting her at all but I wanted her to be their. I just had an honest conversation with her and told her my feelings on this and she understood. She has since broken up with him but he keeps trying. It's sad but you can't let this ruin your day. If you have been friends for 35 years than I think honesty is the best.
KTF11
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Posted by cupcakegal930
I had this same situation with one of my closest friends although they weren't married. I honestly had thought about not even inviting her at all but I wanted her to be their. I just had an honest conversation with her and told her my feelings on this and she understood. She has since broken up with him but he keeps trying. It's sad but you can't let this ruin your day. If you have been friends for 35 years than I think honesty is the best.
Agree. Honesty is the best policy in this situation. A face to face conversation would be best.
MarryTheNight24
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I agree with the above. You need to be honest with her. Just tell her that you would love for her to be there, but you aren't comfortable having her husband there. You can use her own wedding as an example. DH and I had a similar issue with someone who was supposed to be IN our wedding. We explained to him he was just too much of a liability and he actually understood. It's rough, but you have to do it. Good luck.
Caity828
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Posted by xBudgetBridex
be prepared to loose a friend if u say that. I'm sorry. you have been so supportive for all this time it will be a harsh surprise to hear now. again sorry just being honest
This. Your friend might be shocked to hear that you don't want him there becuase you have been so supportive over the years. However, I am 100% behind your decision not to invite him. Your wedding is supposed to be a day for love, joy and family. If he's there you'll be more worried about your friend and your guests experience that you wont be able to fully enjoy a day that's supposed to be the happiest day of your life. Such a hard situation im sorry to hear!
Stephanie621
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kadymry
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That's tough. I agree with the ladies that you should be honest. She will be upset, and I'm sure is upset about the situation with him anyway because of the challenges his addiction adds to their world all the time. Its safe to assume she might become withdrawn in your friendship because of it, but she isn't blind, I'm sure to the chaos his addiction brings - especially if he got arrested the day of their wedding. She just may not want to hear it. Its a sad situation. Its an upsetting situation for everyone involved. You should say what you need to say.
Jocelyn1977
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I also believe you just have to be honest with her and do whats best for your wedding (and your sanity). I had to have a similar conversation with my FH regarding a good friend of his - who is a complete oxy and cocaine addicted mess. I don't like being around him even in a casual social setting - he's always sweating profusely and has something rude or off-color to say. But, FH still considers him a friend and thought he could pull it together for our wedding. It took some help from another one of FH's friends, but we finally got him to realize it wasn't a good idea at all to have him there. Personally, I would be a nervous, stressed out mess the whole night - wondering what he was doing, saying, or looking like in front of our family. Your friend may be hurt and initially shocked a bit, but she should understand. She knows the worst of her husband best of all.
MrsDtoBe
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Definitely honesty. I'm sure you've been supportive over the years, but I'm sure that she also knows you feel she deserves better. She might surprise you and tell you she wouldn't have planned on bringing him anyway, you never know.
terrylovesroy
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thank you.. i will talk to her
sgf2
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I think you should be honest with your friend, but be careful with your choice of words. It seems that you have been supportive of her for a long time, but does she realize that he is a risk, or is she in denial?
If she knows he is unpredictable and is realistic about the situation, she will understand if you say something like 'I love you, and I want you by my side on my special day, but this is MY special day, and I worry that (husband's name) is too unpredictable to be a presence at my wedding. I hope you'll attend regardless, but this is a once in a lifetime day for me and my fiance, and our whole families will be there.'
If she is in denial and doesn't believe anything is wrong, you have a whole other situation on your hands. You have to be willing to lose her as a friend.
To be honest, if I was you, I'd rather neither of them come than have him there. I know this might sound horrible and callous, but I've been to events where someone makes a scene, and it will ruin all the happy memories you have of that day. And if she can't see the risk factor with him attending, then if she really a great friend, or does she expect more from you than she's willing to give in your friendship?
(I apologize for sounding like the worst person on the planet. I swear, I'm really nice. I just feel strongly that this is YOUR day. Once in a lifetime. And no one should get to ruin it.)
MrsSparacino2B
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Posted by Diorprincess
I have a friend like that..... well my friend is the actual addict, not like her bf. I don't even think she'll notice not being invited at least not until afterwards.... I just didn't want to risk her doing anything bad in front of my entire family, or fh's family. it's bad enough my mom sees her fb status's begging for drugs... anyway.
I'd be honest and explain how you don't want him there. she should understand if he's really that bad. it's nothing against her but who wants an unstable might get in a fight and end up with the cops being involved at their wedding? addicts have no place at a wedding they are unpredictable.
most likely it's gonna be him complaining to her after she tells him he can't come. because addicts never understand how bad they are.
Agreed, I have a family member whose an addict, and he happens to be in my bridal party too (he's the only sibling I have)...Although I love him very much, and he's doin well now, I still made it really clear how I felt. I know what you're going through good luck!
