Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

Original post by Monkeybride

Apr 17, 2004 09:01 PM

OK so my dad and I are not close at all. I haven't even seen him in 2 years and he really make no major effort to stay in touch with me nor I with him. I love him and he loves me but there is just no way to undo the past and have this great relationship.
Anyway when I got engaged I asked if he could help with any of the wedding costs and he basically said no and asked why I needed a wedding when I had a new car and a new house and really showed no excitement for me at all. So I let it go for a few months.
Now it was getting closer to the wedding I felt like I needed to decide if I was even going to have him there or have him walk me down the aislse. So anyway he calls about a month ago and for the first time brings up the wedding and asked when it was so I tell him but don't bring up money.
I called him about 2 weeks ago to talk about him coming to the wedding to which I get the answer 'it's a long way away and I really can't answer that. I don't know what will be going on then.' OK nice dad. I get upset and try not to cry. So I bring up the money issue again and tell him how inlaws are giving us money and it makes me feel wierd that my family isn't helping so he says he will see what he can do and call me in a few days to let me know. Well a week goes by, we go back to NY and I come home to a message from him.
I call him back, talk about the wedding, how much it's costing and he asks if I would be insulted if he sent me $1,000. HELLO is he freaking kidding me. My wedding is going to be about $35K most of which we are paying for ourselves. My dad claims he doesn't have money which is a LIE. He has always lied about money and never paid what he was supposed to when I was growing up (parents divorced). My mom is truly broke. She is on disability and there are times I have to help her out. She raised me not my dad and I have no resentment toward her about this just my dad.
Am I being selfish? I don't expect him to pay for the whole wedding. I was hoping for $5,000 or a little more maybe since that's what DF's parents are giving us.
Now I don't know if I send the money back and tell him forget it and don't come or do I just go ahead and let him come and walk me down the aisle....if he even decides he can make it.

dm24angel Posted: Apr 18, 2004 06:21 PM

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

I have a similair situation with my Dad...saw him last night for the first time in like 2 years, I could not even come up with the courage to ask for money, so you are braver then me....I would take the money, he is your father and I will take anything my dad offers me....hugs to you, I know how hard it is!!!!!

Maribelle7777 Posted: Apr 18, 2004 07:55 PM

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

I'm sorry he's being so cold and indifferent about the wedding.

I know that a wedding is alot of $$ but if he's not really making an effort to even go, then I am surprised you're upset about him giving you money for it, even when you know he's got it and is not generout with it.

I would perhaps rethink your budget if you can, maybe cut back here and there, if you can and not take the money. A thousand isn't going to make or break you here.

JMO

ETA: just thought of something - if he wants to give you a grand, maybe you should say yes and give it to your mom instead? Just a thought.

nferrandi Posted: Apr 18, 2004 08:03 PM

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

Your mom walking you down the aisle is not 'her doing dad's job' unless you make it that way. It's an honor for someone to walk you down not a responsibility. Both of my parents are walking me down, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Monkeybride Posted: Apr 18, 2004 08:10 PM

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

His money is not a factor in our budget. We can afford it ourselves. It's just the fact that this is the last thing I will probably every ask of him as a daughter and he can't chip in and show up. It's really typical of him so I realized shouldn't be a disappointed as I am. It also makes me feel guilty that FH's parents are giving us money when they are not well off either but they won't let us refuse it.

I have decided that mom will walk me down the aisle and I will just invite my dad but no depend on him to be there.

I will take his money as a gift and just accept it for what it is and move on and hope he can at least show up for such a special day in his only child's life.

Stavia Posted: Apr 18, 2004 08:11 PM

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

Unfortunately, sometimes the people we want to do the most for us only do the least. I would be satisfied with $1000, I'd consider it a large wedding gift, as opposed to a contribution to your wedding day. I personally think it would be a horrible idea to have someone your not close to give you away, thats an important job, it should go to someone who deserves it. However, I would definitly invite him, its your wedding day & you will probably be upset if you didn't invite your father, though you may want to brace yourself that he may not come if hes as big of a jerk as he sounds. I know how hard it is to go thru your wedding planning being enstanged from your father, mine hasn't spoken a civil word to men in 10 years.