Should I feel bad?

OK, background for those who need:

About a year ago (a few days before my birthday, no less), the person I thought was my best friend emailed me and told me that my friendship was too much effort and that she didn't want to talk to me for awhile. 2 weeks later, Adam and I got engaged. She knew it was coming. She knew when it happened, and didn't contact me. I didn't contact her because she told me not to.

So fast forward a few months - she starts trying to make amends, and I'm uncomfortable with the whole thing. Mainly because not ONCE does she apologize for what she did, and because I'm tired of this on again off again friendship with her. I'm only her friend when its convenient for her. Nevertheless, we've known each other since we were 2 years old, so I'm cordial.

Her birthday is Sunday, so I just IMed to wish her a happy birthday, and she starts asking all these questions about the wedding. I think she realizes that its close and that she's not invited. She asked about my shower, and tried to make me feel bad by telling me that this girl Adrian (who is a total Biotch but she's being a BM for anyway) is having 3 - I only had one. My ONE was better than Adrian's 3, I'm quite sure. I think it hurt her when it dawned on her that she wasn't invited. Nevertheless, I mentioned how I'd been to a few weddings from the girls on here, and I think it hurt her feelings that I'd be inviting girls who I met from message boards over her.

I don't know, should I feel guilty? I mean it was her choice to not be friends in the first place. She would've been my Maid of Honor, and she knew that she would have. It was HER choice to not be in my life anymore, not mine. I can't help but feel bad for her though.

Any thoughts, ladies?

(BTW, my B-list is WAY too long to even consider putting her on it, and my Mom would FLIP if we invited her - my Mom was angrier than I was!)

Is it possible that something in her life was up and she just needed to deal with it? I only ask because I did something similar when I was diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago. I pushed everyone away cause I felt sorry for myself and thought I was going to die. While that may not be her situation, something else could have been up.

Unless this is somethign that keeps reoccurring.

I don't think you should feel guilty at all.

I think it's awful that she would ever think that your friendship is too much effort but to actually tell you is so appalling that I wouldn't even be cordial to her if I were you.

Okay, she sounds INSANE, you don't need on again, off again INSANE people in your life, goodbye and good riddens.

Seriously, I've had this issue before. If people have things to deal with, they should tell you that, but to tell you that your friendship takes too much EFFORT???!!!! How dare they! How much MORE effort is there in a wedding?

You don't need this kind of drama right now - who knows when she's gonna bail again.

I wouldn't feel too bad

Feel bad for what?> she should feel bad for acting like a child...don't go crazy on ppl like that...time is too precious to waste on ppl like that...

I don't think that you should feel guilty, but I understand you feeling bad for her.

Main reason: because I'm her... not your actual friend, but the person that asked a old friend to stop communicating. Years ago, I did the same as your friend did, but because she kept lying to me & being shady, and caused too many fights. 3 years later (last year), she got engaged, and I felt like I had to bury the hatchet and started contacting her (not to be invited, but because I was generally happy for her). To make a long story short, it ended up right back where it was years ago.. us not talking. I honestly thought that she had grown up, and changed, but she was still the very same person. Anyway, the one thing that makes me feel extremely guilty, is my MOH. She's friends with both of us, and she's been in the middle since '00. I tried to mend things also for her sake, but it just didn't work out.

Anyway, after her and I couldn't mend things, I felt bad for my MOH, and for the situation. It's not like I hated the girl, or lost love for her, I was just very mad at her, and bothered that she didn't want to understand why.

I think I'm rambling.. I don't even remember my point anymore...

Geez, My heart went into my throat for a minute when you said you were her!!!!!!!!

Phew.

Well, the situation you described is very different from mine. The reason my friendship was too much effort was because I used to want to see my 'Best friend' on occasion. Like, once or twice a month, tops? You know occasional phone conversations? But she always had something better to do, even after saying she'd see me. Like, I would ask her to lunch if I was going to be in town, and she'd say yes, and then not show up. I asked her not to do that anymore, and she decided my friendship wasn't worth the effort.

Thats appalling!!! Don't even give it another thought, I could never feel sorry for someone after they flat out told me that my friendship wasn't worth the effort.
Surround yourself with people who genuinely love you and want the best for you.

I think you are doing the right thing because you are doing what is best for you and what will make you the happiest. Not to sound cheezy but this is your time and most importantly your time to be happy. She needed her time she took it and now you need your time. She sounds vindictive. Good luck!!!

I don't think you should feel bad. If she's trying to make ammends with you merely so she can go to your wedding, that's absurd.

Don't feel guilty, she needs to realize that a friendship, like any relationship is give and take... what has she given???

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Posted by PrincessRose

Geez, My heart went into my throat for a minute when you said you were her!!!!!!!!

Phew.

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I had a feeling you would... that was fun...

It's definitely different situations, because your friend wasn't being reasonable, and I tried to talk to mine when certain things happened (after she brushed me off - the 30th time - I knew I had to take a 'break').

Anyway, don't feel bad at all... and your mom is right to be mad. After all those years, and for her to just throw the relationship away just like that!? She came to the decision to 'dump' you, so now she has to deal with the consequences... and that's including not being involved with your wedding. Stick to your guns, and don't feel bad for not inviting her. In the long run, if you want to be friends with her again, let that proceed as it may.

Here's the problem - you're a good person!
You feel guilty because you're nice!!!
There's nothing wrong with that....but you can't let her make you feel badly for too long. Would you really want her in your life now? Would you really ever trust her friendship again?
I wouldn't.
It's tough being a nice person, because people tend to take advantage of you and say things to make you feel guilty, and it usually works.
I mean, after all she did to you, and you still wished her a happy birthday!!! you're a sweeheart!

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Posted by palebride

Here's the problem - you're a good person!
You feel guilty because you're nice!!!

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I totally agree! SHE should feel guilty for dumping you, but you have nothing to feel bad about. Sounds like you've been very mature about the whole thing.

See how often she comes a-callin' after the wedding. Sounds like she just wants to be part of the fun and does not like to feel left out. Do not invite her!

If she does continue to call and pursue a friendship after the big day, then you can reasses your friendship with her, only after you have really put EVERYTHING on the table that is an issue and work through it.

Some people, even the ones you have known forever, are the kind of friends you do not have for life...they have to fade away in order for you to grow.

I wouldn't feel bad. She pushed you away. You don't have to forgive and forget. You continued your life without her in it.

To me a friend isn't someone who intentionally and blatantly enters and exits your life on a whim.

Should you feel bad? FOR WHAT??? For taking decisive action and not let this selfish, imitation of a 'friend' jerk you around? If she wanted to be invited to your wedding, she should do something remarkable - like I don't know, maybe learn how to be a REAL friend. It was 'too much for her' to maintain a friendship with you? PULEEZE! You should not feel bad about not inviting this person. The only thing you might want to feel bad about is if you gave her my seat at your wedding - then you should feel bad

And re: that 3 shower crap - quality vs. quantity. 'nuff said.