Should I reconnect? Need advice.

Ok, need some honest advice.

I used to be great friends with my old college roommate. But we grew apart. Quite honestly she kind of had a mental breakdown after we graduated college and she just stopped speaking to everyone at our school.

It was really sad. We reconnected at homecoming the following year but we had a massive, friendship-ending fight. She was definitely still dealing with some image issues and made some poor choices that weekend - leaving all of us girlfriends kind of dumbfounded. Then she disappeared again for good. Moved across the country, started a new life and completely cut everyone else (from our college) out of her life.

So today I did a google search and found a wedding announcement of hers. She got married last year. I guess I felt really sad inside because we haven't spoken in over 4 years and I can't believe someone I used to hold so dear had such a milestone in their life.

Now, keep in mind that what she did the weekend of that homecoming was completely hurtful (not just to me personally...but it was just so sad to see her self-destructive actions). But I guess now that I'm getting married and she's married it seems like it was so long ago.

Would you contact her? Is it even worth it? We'll never see each other since she lives thousands of miles away...and honestly, until this moment the breakup of our friendship hasn't affected me at all...

What would you do?

honestly, I would pop her an email and say hey - congradulations on her marriage I would put the ball in her court and see if she responds...

but if she does it could be a negative reaction...or she might want to start a friendship up again, ieven if its long distance. Are you up for that?

She might also be like 'how did u know??'

I say email bc you had such a hard falling out. Its the first step, and its a cautious baby step. See what happens!

GL bon!

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Posted by madseason

but if she does it could be a negative reaction...or she might want to start a friendship up again, ieven if its long distance. Are you up for that?

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See, that whole paragraph you wrote just put my stomach in knots. Maybe we're just better off not being friends. The thought of drudging up old things makes me feel queasy.

(Linds - are you doing ok, by the way?! I saw your post the other day....sorry I didn't get to respond. Shoot me an FM)

I recently reconnected with a friend after a 2 year estrangement and no contact what so ever. It was nice to be able to be forgiven for the hurtful things I said.

It was more powerful to know that my friend still missed me and forgave me. I never knew how to ask for forgiveness for fear of being rejected.

Reach out to her...........

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Posted by beachbum05

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Posted by madseason

but if she does it could be a negative reaction...or she might want to start a friendship up again, ieven if its long distance. Are you up for that?

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See, that whole paragraph you wrote just put my stomach in knots. Maybe we're just better off not being friends. The thought of drudging up old things makes me feel queasy.

(Linds - are you doing ok, by the way?! I saw your post the other day....sorry I didn't get to respond. Shoot me an FM)

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Thanks bon! Ill shoot you an FM

Thats where i would be on the fence too. Reconnecting will bring change....but then again, she might have matured since then, and she might indicate shes 'better' and is sorry for what happened and wants to move on with a better state of mind/

Honestly, if your stomach is turning, I wouldnt do anything now. I would just wait. The stomach in knots could be a sign, you know? Your gut might be telling you something. Although I like to think that you can say congrats and she can say thanks, and lets all be mature about it - but you know her better than I do, and you dont need added stress 4 mons before you are tying the knot yourself. Now might not be the time...

have any of your other college friends talked to her? Anyone in touch?

Bon - based on the fact that you thought enough of her to google her....it is obvious you are ready to move past what happened....

The fact that you are thinking of contacting her is also a sign that you have matured & are ready to look back & while you won't have to necessarily forgive - you can look forward & move on...

What you do need to think about...she may not be willing to accept you back into her life. She moved that far away to escape what she had done or whatever... Are you going to be okay if this backfires on you & she doesn't write you back at all or if she writes you back and is NOT nice?

You have some soul searching to do....no matter what we tell you - it's all about what is in your heart & gut. We will all stand by you regardless of what you do...and if you need to cry because she wasn't not nice in her reply - call on us... If you want to celebrate because you are chatting every day - do the same....let us know!

I'm sorry if this didn't help at all....

I would contact her and congratulate her. She's in a different state so you can't be best friends but you 2 can certainly keep in contact and just drop some quick hello's and updates as to what is going on in your lives. I don't know exactly what she did to you but it does sound like you forgive and miss her.

Not to make this super long but I lost touch with my college roommate too, nothing happened, we just grew apart. Last year, she found out she had a brain tumor. She had it removed and she had to be completely rehabilitated, she couldn't speak or anything. She has come such a long way but little things in her personality will never be the same again. We're much closer now but I felt terrible that it took something like that for me to contact her again. It really taught me how much we should value friendships with people we care about.

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Posted by madseason

Thanks bon! Ill shoot you an FM

Thats where i would be on the fence too. Reconnecting will bring change....but then again, she might have matured since then, and she might indicate shes 'better' and is sorry for what happened and wants to move on with a better state of mind/

Honestly, if your stomach is turning, I wouldnt do anything now. I would just wait. The stomach in knots could be a sign, you know? Your gut might be telling you something. Although I like to think that you can say congrats and she can say thanks, and lets all be mature about it - but you know her better than I do, and you dont need added stress 4 mons before you are tying the knot yourself. Now might not be the time...

have any of your other college friends talked to her? Anyone in touch?

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Thank you to both of you guys for responding. I would reach out to her...but I honestly think that she wouldn't be apologetic. In fact, I think she'd be very immature and pick up from where she left off. I dunno though, maybe I'm selling her short. Maybe I already knew that I shouldn't reconnect with her before I made the silly post!! HA!

But Linds, you are right. I think that 4 months before the wedding is a bit too much (especially since I'm finishing up school, interviewing, and moving back to NY in the same 4 months).

And, no. No one has heard from her at all. I think she is happier not having a connection to anyone from college. Looking back now, I remember that she completely cut off her friends from high school when she started freshman year. Wow. Just realized that. Maybe it's just a pattern she perpetuates...? Who knows.

Eh.

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Posted by davenjess

What you do need to think about...she may not be willing to accept you back into her life. She moved that far away to escape what she had done or whatever... Are you going to be okay if this backfires on you & she doesn't write you back at all or if she writes you back and is NOT nice?

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Jess, you have a heart of gold. Seriously. Thank you.

That quoted part is what has kept me from contacting her. She's really stubborn. While it was entirely her fault why we haven't spoken, I doubt she sees that at all. She can be really selfish. If she was unkind in her response I think I'd be really upset.

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Posted by MikeandJess

I would contact her and congratulate her. She's in a different state so you can't be best friends but you 2 can certainly keep in contact and just drop some quick hello's and updates as to what is going on in your lives. I don't know exactly what she did to you but it does sound like you forgive and miss her.

Not to make this super long but I lost touch with my college roommate too, nothing happened, we just grew apart. Last year, she found out she had a brain tumor. She had it removed and she had to be completely rehabilitated, she couldn't speak or anything. She has come such a long way but little things in her personality will never be the same again. We're much closer now but I felt terrible that it took something like that for me to contact her again. It really taught me how much we should value friendships with people we care about.

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Wow. I don't know what I'd do if that happened to her. I wouldn't forgive myself. Wow. That's totally making me think twice.

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Posted by beachbum05

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Posted by davenjess

What you do need to think about...she may not be willing to accept you back into her life. She moved that far away to escape what she had done or whatever... Are you going to be okay if this backfires on you & she doesn't write you back at all or if she writes you back and is NOT nice?

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Jess, you have a heart of gold. Seriously. Thank you.

That quoted part is what has kept me from contacting her. She's really stubborn. While it was entirely her fault why we haven't spoken, I doubt she sees that at all. She can be really selfish. If she was unkind in her response I think I'd be really upset.

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Then I guess the other thing you need to consider is are you going to regret NOT getting in touch? If so - will you be able to move past it better than if you did reach out & she was not accepting of it? In other words.....can you get over the what if easier than the 'please leave me alone'??

My suggestion....write her a letter - you can type it - do whatever you want...but write it out... Put it in an envelope & drawer & let it go....in about a week - re-read it and see how you feel about it.

If your gut says to send it - DO IT...if not, keep it in the drawer - because i promise you, you'll feel better having written it out...sometimes we just need to get things out of our brains and down on paper...

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Posted by davenjess

If your gut says to send it - DO IT...if not, keep it in the drawer - because i promise you, you'll feel better having written it out...sometimes we just need to get things out of our brains and down on paper...

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I am a firm beliver of this. In fact I do this often. 100% of the time just writing my thoughts down makes me feel better. And only about 5% of the time do I send the letter.

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Posted by beachbum05

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Posted by madseason

Thanks bon! Ill shoot you an FM

Thats where i would be on the fence too. Reconnecting will bring change....but then again, she might have matured since then, and she might indicate shes 'better' and is sorry for what happened and wants to move on with a better state of mind/

Honestly, if your stomach is turning, I wouldnt do anything now. I would just wait. The stomach in knots could be a sign, you know? Your gut might be telling you something. Although I like to think that you can say congrats and she can say thanks, and lets all be mature about it - but you know her better than I do, and you dont need added stress 4 mons before you are tying the knot yourself. Now might not be the time...

have any of your other college friends talked to her? Anyone in touch?

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Thank you to both of you guys for responding. I would reach out to her...but I honestly think that she wouldn't be apologetic. In fact, I think she'd be very immature and pick up from where she left off. I dunno though, maybe I'm selling her short. Maybe I already knew that I shouldn't reconnect with her before I made the silly post!! HA!

But Linds, you are right. I think that 4 months before the wedding is a bit too much (especially since I'm finishing up school, interviewing, and moving back to NY in the same 4 months).

And, no. No one has heard from her at all. I think she is happier not having a connection to anyone from college. Looking back now, I remember that she completely cut off her friends from high school when she started freshman year. Wow. Just realized that. Maybe it's just a pattern she perpetuates...? Who knows.

Eh.

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Bon - you know her best. and you know you best. I feel theres more to just ok i am going to reach out to his person and thats that. If you are hesitant and you know her behavior...I would consider reaching out to her when you feel comfortable. Im not getting that from you.

You think enough to congradulate her. I think you are taking a step to and thats great, but I wouldnt yet. I mean, it goes both ways, she could reach out toyou too, but its never to late to pop an hey how are you email or call ( u know what i mean that its never too late...) Right now tho, honestly, might not be the best time - for you, and right now, after reading yor first post.... I think you have a lot of feelings to sort, plus everything else that is going on....Obviously you do care about her, enough to think about contactingher again, but since you are so on the fence, take some more time to try and figure out what side of the fence you are on exactly. Your still sorting out and Hurting too.

xxxxoooo

I think you should reach out to say hello and congratulations. It's what's in your heart to do (seemingly, or you wouldn't be thinking about it) and maybe you'd regret it down the line if you didn't. A former very close friend of mine contacted me a couple of months before my wedding after she heard through the grapevine I was getting married and just wanted to let me know how happy she was for me. It was very heartwarming, and although we haven't rekindled our friendship at all, it was really special to me that she reached out. It also helped me to remind that although we had our differences in the past, she cared enough to put that aside. HTH!

if you feel that you would like to maybe keep in touch from time to time, then i say do it. its just an email, people change

only you know how you feel so its up to you
'
GL