Shower etiquette

Is it proper etiquette to NOT invite guest from out of town to a shower? I have never heard this one before!
My fiance's entire family is from Albany and it is a at least a 4 hour drive to my shower. My FMIL told my FH to tell me NOT to invite his aunts or his grandmother who all live in Albany, because it is too far for them to travel and then it would obligate them to send gifts.
Has anyone ever heard of this??? I was kind of upset, but I did what my FMIL asked and did not invite his aunts and his grandmother. In hindsight, I am feeling bad about it...won't they feel insulted? I mean it is his GRANDMOTHER and AUNTS, not a wife of his best friend or some distant cousin that lives in Albany, these are his immediate family members.
My family is very upset about this, my mom feels it was in bad taste that I didn't invite them. She feels I should have invited his aunts and grandmother and then let them decide if they wanted to take the 4 hour trip down to attend the shower or not, I shouldn't assume and decide for them. Also, them sending a gift or not is not my concern (the insulting them part is my concern) if they didn't want to send a gift if they responded no, it would be totally fine by me and completely up to them.
I am just getting to know his family I certainly didn't want to insult them before they even get to know me!
Thoughts please!

There are 2 things to consider.

1. Invite them and let them make the decision.

2. Dont invite them with the best of intetions.

Honestly, your FMIL TOLD you not to. It was not YOUR decision. Tell you mom the FMIL TOLD you not to. So if you do, you piss off the FMIL. I would rather have grandma mad than the FMIL!

I think you did the right thing in the circumstance presented to you. I had the same problem with family that live in Virginia for my moms 70th surprise party. We opted to invite them and let them make the decision.

BUt, in YOUR case, you were TOLD not to, and you had the best of intentions. If they ask you, you can be honest. You spoke with the FMIL, and you decided you didnt want to OBLIGATE them to make such a long ride, and you didnt want to seem like you were fishing for gifts either.

Honestly, if anyone is mad, own it, say your sorry and move on. One thing I have taken with all the wedding planning is you CANT please everyone, so please yourself. You had NO bad intention. Say your sorry. If they wat to hold a grudge, so be it. You can be open and honest with them and they have the choice to either be bent out of shape or let it go.

YOU should not let it bother you anymore and JUST let it go.

Hope this helps a little.

I agree with you 100% and think an invite should've been sent just as a courtesy at least. Like you said, these aren't just some friends, this is his grandmother and his aunts. They could've called them and said they understand it is a far drive and don't expect them to come and not to feel any obligation.

What if they start asking about your shower and actually do want to come?

DH has an aunt who lives upstate along with her 3 daughter in laws, i sent them an invite and didnt expect anything but they did actually end up coming. Also, he had some family in Pennsylvania and they ended up coming too. His family should've let his grandmother and aunts make the decision, not make it for them.

Can you express to your FH how youre feeling about this, i would just let him know.

I agree with you! My Fh godmother/aunt and his grandmother both live in Florida and they are def not coming to the shower but my FMIL put them on the list to invite.

I would say to invite them it is their choice to come or not.

Have you spoken with FMIL to see whether she discussed this with FH's aunts and grandmother? Maybe the OOt'ers expressed to FMIL that the trip would be too difficult for them.

If you're worried about hurt feelings, you could always send them a note. Maybe generally update them about the planning and mention the shower, as well as your disappointment that they can't be there because of the distance, etc. Then, you could tell them that although they can't be there physically, they'll be in your thoughts that day and that you can't wait to see them at the wedding.

I would just call these people and explain that you're interested in having them come but that you don't want them to send any gifts -- that it's their presence you are most interested in but you don't want them to feel obligated either way.

Unless you really do want the gifts, in which case listen to what the other people on here tell you. If I have a shower at all, it's going to be a 'no gifts please' shower. The last thing I want right now is people to get me more stuff now and then stuff for the wedding.

I agree with you; I think they should be invited. When is the shower happening? Is there still time to do damage control?

I would talk to FMIL and explain that this whole situation is making you extremely uncomfortable. You can always call these guests and tell them to please NOT send a gift. You just want to extend the invite.

This situation would make me terribly uncomfortable; I'm just not comfortable excluding people ever (which I need to get over since I cannot invite the entire universe to my wedding!)

Ultimately, at the end of the day, this is your wedding, your shower, your day. I think you should have the final word.

I don't really know what the etiquette is, but I was kind of in the same situation as you. I had OOT family in Pennsylvania (about an 8 hr drive away) who were invited to the wedding. I knew without a doubt that they would not be able to make it to the Shower. It would just be too much. But we sent an invite anyhow. I wouldn't want them to feel as though they weren't wanted there. And I'm VERY close with them.

HOWEVER - Dh's family (who lives in Colorado) were not even coming to the wedding, let alone the Shower. I didn't send an invite to them, partly because DH said not to bother, but also because they're the type of people who I could see complaining about my family apparently expecting them to fly out TWICE when they can't even afford to do it once Just looked like drama waiting to happen...

So it depends on the people.