Shower: Mother vs. Stepmother

Here's some background:

History with Mom

My BF is throwing a baby/bridal shower for me.

So I ask, since my mother made it clear that she doesn't think I should have a shower (see above link) & since she has made it clear on several occassions that she hates her former in-laws, what do I do about inviting her to my shower? My stepmother, who is a very nice normal woman, would like to come but she said she doesn't want to go if my mother is going b/c she knows my mother will cause a scene. Do I invite my stepmother & not my mother?

Ugh...that's tough one

I would invite both (they are going to have to face each other at the wedding anyway) from reading all of your post I'm going to venture and say she probablly isn't going to come...and if she doesn't she can't told it aganist you for not inviting her.

I'm sorry you are going through this and can relate

My first question (before answering yours) is did you ever send her that very well written letter outlining the issues regarding her '30' friends? If so, how did she respond? If not, why not?

The rest of my thoughts are as follows:
despite every single nasty thing she said about the shower she will in all likelihood be offended if she isn't invited. If the shower is in Boston and she is here in NY, she probably won't come anyway (unless she knows your step mom is coming and then she might just to cause a scene - I'm guessing here based on what you have said in earlier posts)

Now, offending her might be exactly what you need to do here. She will at some point have to get it through her head that it is your wedding, and you will plan it, pay for it, and invite who YOU want, not who she demands (and that includes picking your own MOH). This might in fact be the point in time to draw the line in the sand and just NOT invite her to attend the shower and then have the big knock down drag out fight which will end in her saying she isn't coming to the wedding, and you saying find then don't come (and crying for a day, and then realizing how relieved you feel over not having to worry about what kind of drama she'll start that day).

Just as a side note regarding baby shower, in the jewish faith baby showers are not held for the reason you mother not so nicely screamed at you. It's considered tempting fate, or bad karma or something. With regard to that, try not to take her comment so hard.

Good luck with whatever you decide, but remember one thing - it's about YOU and your FH and your - not her.

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Posted by cindyandkevin

Def invite your step-mother, she's shown a true interest in your happiness and wants to celebrate with you. I think she would be very hurt if you didn't invite her, don't punish her bc of your mother's faults. Your mother doesn't even think you should have a shower, so why would you invite her?

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I agree!!! She didn't want to throw you a shower so why should she be invited. Your step-mother sounds like she really cares about your happiness and about what is going on in your life. And you don't want your shower to be runined by your mother. And you do want ALL of your family there. So If you do want to invite your mom I would sit down with her and explain that She didn't want to throw u a shower so she dosen't have a say in who is to be invited and all And that it's YOUR DAY!! Not hers. And you want it to be Civil and to have a good time.

I say invitie both and let them decide on their own. You don't want to offend one by not inviting them. They both need to face each other on the big day, they should be civil and do nothing but make you feel special and not caught in between. This is a tough one!
I hope they both come and I hope your mom is ok with her being there.

Caroline,

You are a better person than me! I would tell my mom if she keeps this S H I T up, then she's (and her 30 friends w/ red hats) will never see the inside of your RH I would NOT deal w. that, especially pregnant.
Who in the H E L L mentions dead babies to a 5 month preggo person? Not someone you love.
I'm mad for you! Good luck

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Posted by cindyandkevin

Def invite your step-mother, she's shown a true interest in your happiness and wants to celebrate with you. I think she would be very hurt if you didn't invite her, don't punish her bc of your mother's faults. Your mother doesn't even think you should have a shower, so why would you invite her?

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I agree completely!

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Posted by October Bliss

My first question (before answering yours) is did you ever send her that very well written letter outlining the issues regarding her '30' friends? If so, how did she respond? If not, why not?

The rest of my thoughts are as follows:
despite every single nasty thing she said about the shower she will in all likelihood be offended if she isn't invited. If the shower is in Boston and she is here in NY, she probably won't come anyway (unless she knows your step mom is coming and then she might just to cause a scene - I'm guessing here based on what you have said in earlier posts)

Now, offending her might be exactly what you need to do here. She will at some point have to get it through her head that it is your wedding, and you will plan it, pay for it, and invite who YOU want, not who she demands (and that includes picking your own MOH). This might in fact be the point in time to draw the line in the sand and just NOT invite her to attend the shower and then have the big knock down drag out fight which will end in her saying she isn't coming to the wedding, and you saying find then don't come (and crying for a day, and then realizing how relieved you feel over not having to worry about what kind of drama she'll start that day).

Just as a side note regarding baby shower, in the jewish faith baby showers are not held for the reason you mother not so nicely screamed at you. It's considered tempting fate, or bad karma or something. With regard to that, try not to take her comment so hard.

Good luck with whatever you decide, but remember one thing - it's about YOU and your FH and your - not her.

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AMEN!

Thank you everyone for your support.

To answer someone's question, I actually haven't sent the letter I wrote her yet b/c I didn't want to start a fight over the holiday season. I am sitting on it until after New Years.

I hadn't spoken to her since her comments about my baby dying, but I tried to be the bigger person & called her on Thanksgiving. She was relatively civil. She had an attitude and made a comment about how I should have been on LI that day. But I live in Boston, I'm now 6 months pregnant & I had to work on Friday so it just wasn't possible.

I think I am just going to invite her but give FULL DISCLOSURE & say that my stepmother & my aunts & cousins from my dad's side will be there. If she chooses not to come, so be it. I will also make a very clear comment on how she is to behave herself. My BF, who is hosting the shower at her home in Seaford, said she WILL ask my mother to leave if she starts any sh !t. And knowing my BF, she will. She's good like that