Sigh.. have the blues.

I KNOW I shouldnt feel this way.. so I am posting this here to get it out of me. I cant say anything to my friends and family because I feel stupid but..
story.
My BF and I met on the internet and have been together for 2 years. We have gone thru a lot .. moving , job changes, divorces.. etc.
er.. but Im still not legally divorced.
I have put mine hold because I moved out of state, and Im waiting for my kids tobe with me full time. They are still with their dad. until Saturday.
Plus.. we have this thing on our house where we cant sell it for 10 years.. so Nov of 08 we can sell.
In my heart.. I have been divorced for years. Just not 'legally'.

so. Here I am living with my BF. I dont work. We share a checking account and bills. I had a HUGE savings that we have burned thru with moving etc.
We are a couple. We have talked about marriage and that it is HIS ultimate goal that we are married. He has even shared a dream of his once that we got married and the details...etc.
I just wonder.. WHEN WILL HE EVER ASK ME???
He brings it up and says stuff like: waiting to see what his options are.. meaning.. he cant/ wont ask me until I am legally divorced.
I TOTALLY understand. I DO!!!! Thats why I feel so stupid.
One part of me feels like I am being ridiculous for even thinking he should ask me.. since Im not legally divorced, and a part of me is like.. 'hmm.. why SHOULD he.. when we already live together and all my money is gone.. now we are living off his'. .. questioning things.. as usual. The whole' buying the cow when getting the milk for free'..LOL!!!
Dont get me wrong.. I dont question his love. .. tells me no less than 15 times a day he loves me, adores me.. etc. Calls me beautiful when I answer the phone.. that kind of stuff. He WANTS to get married.. one day...

The other issue is that i have kids. I just dont think its setting a good example that we are living together without the 'commitment'..
Make sense? LOL
I just want to be engaged . Thats all!! .. A ring on my finger , calling him my fiance.. not my boyfriend everytime I have to pay a bill in his name , stuff like that.
sorry. its stupid.. I know.
Just had to write it down...LOL!!!!!!!

Well, first of all, if you are not working and you are living off his money, then technically he is NOT 'getting the milk for free' if you know what I mean. I do understand, I lived with my BF a long time before we got engaged (again) and we have children together. As long as your children know you two love each other, and liuving together IS a HUGE commitment, I don't think your kids will be troubled if you don't have a ring on your finger.

I hope getting it out here helps.

Oh my gosh, that's not STUPID; you are SMART to reach out for objective support...

Your savings has dwindled, you have no job, you're in a new town, you're away from your kids, and things are virtually 'on hold' until the divorce is final, I know I'd be feeling REALLY insecure right about now -- so maybe you feel like being engaged would give you something solid to hold on to? [I've found the OPPOSITE to be true in my life, but that's a whole other board!]

Have you thought about findingwork, even something part time? It could help to create a network for you and alleviate some financial pressure on you both? If you're uncomfortable having a real heart-to-heart with FH about this right now, give it a little time, and decide together to revisit the discussion at some other time, say 90 days, or in November when the house can be sold? Any date will do as long as you're both aware that that's the plan!

Lots of luck to you, your kids, and FH!!

Don't worry.. everything will work out. It is completely healthy for you to vent. The truth is, telling your family and friends would probably make you feel worse since they sometimes have a way of judging us when that's the last thing we need.

Things will work themselves out. Good Luck!

Oh no don't feel stupid. You want some objective opinions and family and friends don't always see the situation clearly.

It'll all work out. I have an older cousin who was in the same position as you. She moved in with someone and everything. He just waited till her divorce was finalized and asked her.

I can see your worry...it's okay to let it out...

Wow.. i just re read what I wrote , er babbled..LOL!!

You ladies really are wonderful.. thank you for not judging me, but also a step further and offering your words.
I hate feeling so needy!!!!!

And like I said.. I completly understand WHY he hasnt officially proposed... and I dont blame him. I wouldnt want to be engaged to a married man.
He has been so patient with me and my mood swings. To the point he worries he is doing something wrong.. which makes me feel worse..LOL! argh.
Im not planning on working for quite a while.. For the first time since I was 16..I am taking time off. And for the first time in 15 yearrs.. I get to be a MOM full time! Once the kids get here I will be so much better.

btw.. I am going to work on the divorce. I realized too that I am worried about my 'ex' and how he is feeling about all this.. he is very concerned with child support because he cant afford it.. ( he really cant) and the fact that I was the main bread winner.. and I left him with the mortgage and bills (his own) .. he really is living pay check to pay check.. and I know.. the state is going to demand him to pay child support.. and i dont want it. I still love him... he is the father of my kids and we met when I was 16, married at 19.. so we were together MOST of my life.
But.. we are not good together and this is for the best ..
Anyhow..... not sure how that is going to work out... ergo.. my putting everything off.

Thanks for your thoughts on this ladies!!!!!
Again.. I have learned a LONG time ago.. there are things you do not talk to your mom and sister about.

:)

I would never get engaged to someone who was still legally married, no matter how long he/she had been separated. I understand your feelings, but I completely understand your BF's.

You need to work on the divorce -- It doesn't matter that you can't sell the house yet, etc. You need to start the ball rolling so you can completely move on with your life. I wouldn't commit marry someone else until you've finalized your divorce.

JMHO.

Good luck to you - It will happen when the time is right.

Oh, and don't say 'I know I shouldn't feel this way...' -- You cannot control your feelings and have every right to feel as you do.

Things will happen in time - I promise!

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Posted by Kara and Todd

I would never get engaged to someone who was still legally married, no matter how long he/she had been separated. I understand your feelings, but I completely understand your BF's.

You need to work on the divorce -- It doesn't matter that you can't sell the house yet, etc. You need to start the ball rolling so you can completely move on with your life. I wouldn't commit marry someone else until you've finalized your divorce.

JMHO.

Good luck to you - It will happen when the time is right.

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Yes.. you are correct. I cant specify enough.. that I agree with my BF. Thats why I want to kick myself sometimes for even THINKING about it. I mean.. I am not in a hurry to get married again.. I think its just being in 'limbo'.. insecure.. you know?
Im going to really get started on things.
I was going to try to save money and looked into doing my own because it will be uncontested, but decided not to. Im sure it wont cost a lot of $$ because it will be pretty cut and dry.