so hurt and upset

I'm not a regular poster, but I have to let this out, and I cant talk to my family or friends about this bc it's way too sensitive of a subject for me. I love my FH very very much, I can't picture my life without him. But as time passes by I'm coming to a very sad realization that I think he is clinicaly depressed and its pretty bad. It's totally affecting and hurting our relationship. His mood and attitude is so up and down up and down night and day. It's draining me so much, I dont even know how I am able to get up in the morning sometimes and go to work bc I'm so sad about this. I've always been such a strong woman and been through a lot in my life but this is just breaking my heart. Everything went from being fine with the wedding planning to a standstill. Long story short, recently, he was not nice, actually pretty messed up. I cooked dinner and when I told him what I was making he said he knew he wouldnt like it and that I would have plenty of left overs to eat bc he was going to order food for himself. Then this led to an argument bc I told him that was messed up to say and I felt he was being kinda mean about it. I work full time, I run home to cook so he has food to eat when he gets home and I felt he was being unreasonable. This led to an argument which led to him telling me he doesnt think we should get married bc he doesnt think we are going to 'make it'. I asked him to elaborate and explain and he tells me when we went to pre-cana the couple who ran the program looked so in love and that we dont seem to be this way. I am so angry at him!!! I feel like he's always comparing us to other couples. I told him you can't measure other people's love and you can't compare your realtionship to others. PLus, the pre-cana couple have been married for 35 years!!! AND they were talking to us about how marraige is hard work, and both people need to put effort and energy, be respectful, and considerate of one anothers feelings. It's like he wasnt listening to what they were saying. I'm soooo hurt and angry right now!!! We went through some issues at the beginning of our relationship but I was sure we were moving foward and said 'yes' to his proposal bc we had in depth talks about..'This is what I want for my future and in a realtionship, if you dont want the same, we need to go our seperate ways....' this is what makes me even more angry that I never pressured him or asked him for a ring I always wanted him to propose when he was ready for marraige and now he's stressing me out!! I dont know what to do anymore, it's like nothing is ever good enough for him and hes always unhappy. He also never wants to do anything together anymore like go on 'dates' to dinner or anything bc he says we cant spend money or he just doenst want to go out at all. I have expressed to him that every realtionshio has to be taken care of, or it wil become routine and boring. We live together now for a few years and I cant believe this is happening.... Thanks for listening....

Has he been always mean to you recently, or has it been like nice one minute and then awful the next? because if so you should also consider that he might have bi-polar disorder. Every relationship is different like you said and he shouldnt compare himself to other couples because im pretty sure that their dirty laundry isnt hanging out for everyone to see. Outside or withothers what they might be putting up is a show. and they just might be miserable he cannot assume that someone else's relationship is perfect. Also, he should have thought about all of this before proposing and taking the next step with you. I cannot tell you to talk to him about it, because it seems like you have already tried that, its a difficult situation that your in, and I only wish you the best.

I am so sorry this is happening. You two need to sit down as soon as possible and talk about this. If one person doesn't think the relationship is going to 'make it' or if they don't want to work at it... then, it just isn't going to work.

See if you can get him to agree to go to counseling, depression is no fun and he might just be at his wits end and lashing out at you, because he can... even couples counseling may help!

It's like he's fine one weekend and then a day later he's unhappy about something. I love him very much so ofcourse I would stay with him if he gets help but he tried going to talk to someone and then never went nack bc he said it was way to overwheming for him, he tried going to a doc and took medicine for a while but didnt like the way it made him feel. I dont know what else to say or do to help him...

I don't know if you're looking for this type of advice, but I'm going to give it anyway. I am completely unqualified to give any relationship advice- I am not any kind of registered anything, nor is my situation perfect. I think we all have pretty considerable doubts, and I think that's the way it should be when you enter into something that's 'for life'. But you say some things here that are red flags, and I want you realize how important they are.

First of all, I agree with the previous poster- he may have a clinical problem. Bi Polar disorder is major, and it's life-altering. If he has a clinical problem, the positive thing is it can, in many cases, be treated medicinally. HOWEVER, if he refuses to go to the doctor, and he refuses to take medication, there is a serious problem. What that means (to me) is that this is a problem he is not interested in tackling head-on. It seems that he would rather feel this way, and drag you down with him, than take the proactive steps to help himself. Now, it's also true that he, in the throes of mental illness (and I don't mean that in a dramatic way- depression is an illness in and of itself) doesn't see the effect his mood is having on you, or on himself. He may not even be able to see that it is really damaging your relationship.

I think that you need to have that conversation with him, but you need to prepare yourself for the fact that if you do have that conversation, it may mean the end of your relationship. I think that people with illnesses like that are VERY reluctant, sometimes, to face their pain or their issues, and the act of being forced to confront those issues can be extremely uncomfortable, even offensive (considering he may not know how you are affected). And I have read studies about relationships lately that say that men IN GENERAL become very uncomfortable when 'talking' about a relationship. Even an innocent conversation from your perspective could be perceived as threatening from his. Any intimation that there is something 'wrong' with him can be perceived as an attack on his 'manhood', or ability to provide for a family. Being confronted with a conversation like this could make him run, so I think that bears mentioning first.

But at the same time, for YOUR benefit, how do you NOT have that conversation? It's YOUR life as well. If you are living with someone, whether just temporarily and naturally 'down in the dumps', or clinically depressed, and that person refuses to get help, or even acknowledge the affect their mood has on you, that is an untenable situation, and one you cannot go into. When you get married, the fights get worse, because now that person is your partner for life. It's not just a boyfriend or girlfriend. There is so much more at stake, so the smaller things I think get exacerbated. If you are arguing over a meal like this, and he doesn't see how offensive what he said was (and it WAS offensive), and he doesn't see that there's a problem, then I worry that your problems will only intensify.

I think you should have a very open and non-threatening conversation with him about how his moods are affecting your relationship. I think you should ask him if any of your behaviors are contributing to his moods, so you can determine if you are doing anything that is getting him so down. I say that only because sometimes we have a tendency to not see our own behaviors (the same way he may not see his). I think that establishes that you are not blaming him, but are looking to get to the root of the problem you share. If it has nothing to do with you, or if he can't pinpoint any legitimate reason (stress over wedding finances is a good and common one), then he needs to pursue help. If he refuses to do so, then now and even more once you are married, then this problem becomes even more your problem. And since you can't fix your problem that lies within someone else, then you have an unmanageable and unfixable situation.

I hope you have a very serious talk with him as soon as you can. Remember that any of these 'talks' are threatening to many men, and proceed with caution. However, moreso than protecting his feelings, you have to remember that this is YOUR future well-being and happiness at stake. If you ignore the problem and marry anyway and it continues, then you gave away precious years of your life that you could have spend building with the right partner.

He may be the man for you- I'm not saying he's not. But from what you say, I think there is some serious work that needs to be done here, and it can't all be done by you. If he won't do his part, then I think you have to seriously consider walking away.

I'm so sorry to be so blunt. Please remember, I have no idea what I'm talking about and no professional credentials whatsoever. I have just seen friends go through a lot, and I'd like to share some of their hard-earned wisdom with you.

Best of luck- I really wish you happiness and strength.

Honestly, before you and your Fh can work on your own problems, he needs to seek help first. Until he does then he will continue to act this way. He sounds like he might be manic depressive and is not medicated for it. If this is the case then I can only imagine what you are going through bc my dh is manic depressive BUT he takes medication for it since he was a teenager. Theres been times he fell asleep before taking his pill and next day he is SO grouchy, i cant imagine what he would be like if he never took it. Its VERY rare that he doesn't take his medication. Not only medication but I think he will need theraphy at first too, this will help him understand what is going on with him. He is just as frustrated as you are, bc he hates feeling the way he does, he hates everything right now probably and just everything goes wrong for him.

Please do not take everything to heart. If he does have what I think he has, then he will do alot of things to test you out and test your love for him. I remember reading up on so much information when I met DH to figure out how his mind works and also for me to learn how to look for patterns of a manic stage of depressive stage and to help him recognize whenever he will get to either stage before it happens. Because although he has been living with this for a very long time, like most others, when they are in the middle and things are going normal for them they want it to stay that way, so although there are signs of an episode coming on they always tend to ignore it bc they dont want it to be true. I read blogs of manic depressive people and saw how they all did this. They tested those that they love, and there are times they dont want anybody around them. They feel sometimes all they do is ruin everyones lives around them and its better to push them away now and they believe in their minds that they are doing people a favor bc their loved ones would be better off without them. His mentality is always glass half empty, my biggest challenge is giving him the glass half full mentality and it is work.

There are different stages so he needs to find out what he has to take. SOme do have to take lithium, and if they go off their meds for even a short period of time then it turns into a disaster, i know somebody else like this and it gets bad. My DH will just become very cranky and you dont want to be around him lol if he misses a day of meds but will never get so bad like this other person, and he doesnt have to take lithium.

If this is the case, then I wont lie and say its not a challenge and not alot of work bc it really is. He told me from the time i met him and did alot of research to see what I was in for. There are times that his pessimistic views do get to me and drains me. In the beginning it was fine bc when we met for a year and a half he had no episodes which was the longest time he had gone without going into a manic stage or depressive stage, no anxiety attacks or anything. But i have had to deal with it after that time. I took advice from another woman whose husband deals with the same thing. When they are angry you cant take everything to heart that they say in that moment. They just are angry at the world at that time and they will push the buttons of their loved ones. I also pay attention to patterns. Some people think that manic is a good stage bc if you read the description it says: they feel on top of the world, they have extremely high self esteem during this time and just want to enjoy life, but the problem is that its to the extreme. Addiction becomes a big part of manic stages, such as gambling, sex, drugs, alcohol, spending money, and so on. Let me tell you that my DH has more clothes, sneakers, jackets, hats then the average person. He has 2 full closets now, 8 drawers and he STILL has most of his clothes at his parents house lol. There are actions that give you an indication when this is about to happen, or when an anxiety is coming on or a depressed stage. It is work but it can be done. This is why seeing a psychiatrist is useful bc the problem is that meds have to be changed often. When they go through a manic stage they have to take a certain amount of mg's, when depressive another amount of mg's and then when they are in between at what they call a normal stage then a different amount of mg's. If they dont do this then this is when they will have more episodes. Dh has asked me MANY times when he is in the normal stage, why i deal with it and to me its worth it. When he is himself he is the greatest person ive met and has an amazing heart. Its just his mind that sometimes plays games with him lol. I tell him at times he has an evil mind but he has a heart of gold. If they monitor themselves then its not something you will have to deal with often. We all go through the same things if you think about it, we have moments where we're happy and life is great and we want to enjoy life and we have moments where we're stressed, have anxiety and just feeling down. The problem is that for them its a bit more extreme, their happy moments go a little too far and their down feelings the same thing.

So I STRONGLY suggest that your FH see's somebody and figures out if something is wrong. If so then medication can help the situation and will make life better for both of you. If he talks to somebody they will help him with how to control these things and how to handle situations in life. Once he does this, then you two can focus on the relationship and fix things. But if you try to fix things without fixing his problem first then you two will continue down the same path.

I wish you the best of luck, and if you need any help with this feel free to FM me

oops!

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i'm sorry to hear about this...

i AGREE with all the ladies above. but its very very important that you speak to someone close to u about this -- that will be a 'just in case' thing... its like a precaution - not to scare you, but i've seen and read too many crazy things that happened to a relationship and to a person -- you should have someone that can look out for you.. hope you know what i mean! good luck. . .

Seems like you guys really need to sit down and talk. The girls above gave great advice. Just curious..have you guys ever got into big fights where he's tried to call it off? Was he always this moody?

I wouldn't jump to any diagnosis unless there is a psychiatrist on this panel, and even so- they would have to actually meet your FH in person and get more information to diagnose him with anything. But it does sound like you are having conflicted thoughts about the future of your relationship. Only you can decide what is right for you, and since you say you can't talk to your friends or family, you maybe could try to speak to a therapist yourself. They may be able to help you problem-solve this situation and help you decide what's best for you.

Good luck.

Someone once told me that you can't love anyone until you can love yourself...sounds kind of corny, but if you can't deal with your own issues, you can't even be in a relationship. It seems like your FH needs some help. Most guys feel uncomfortable expressing their emotions and see something wrong with visiting a psychologist, but there is nothing wrong with either of these. You should express your concerns and tell him you would support him if he decides to get help. On the other hand, maybe something else is going on at like work or something and he is ashamed to tell you. So before jumping to conclusions, a much needed conversation needs to happen. Good luck!

I'm really sorry you are going through this.
I was with someone for 4 1/2 years (lived together for 1 1/2 years). He also became very depressed-Sort of a 'starving artist' persona (he was a performer.) I knew it had nothing to do with me. It seemed like he had a dark cloud over his head all the time. I was definitely younger when we were together (from 21-25) and he was 6 years older.
We moved in together b/c I thought that would make him change and be happy. It only got worse. When I would come home from work he wouldn't even look up and smile at me most of the time. He was never mean, never inconsiderate. He was a great guy who was NEVER happy.
For years I believed he would change and be what I wanted him to be, to be the awesome guy I fell for so long before. His dreary moods caused me to be unhappy also. Slowly I started realizing that I was happier when I wasn't with him. But I pushed the realizations to the side, b/c I didn't want to accept that. All of my friends saw it too.
Then one day I woke up (he wasn't home) and I called my girlfriends immediately & met them for lunch. We were figuring out what to order and out of my mouth popped 'I think I want to break up with ***'. It just sort of spit out, and I burst into tears. Years of holding it back and ignoring it came pouring out. I realized that a) he would never change and b) even if that was my only shot at getting married I decided I'd rather live my life single than with someone who's miserable.
2 days later, I ended it and moved out the next morning. And it was done.
I felt a weight had been lifted off my chest and I knew it was the best decision I ever made. B/C on my own, I flourished and he only held me back. He never tried to call me until a month later, and he was hysterical. He swore he would change, and that I was the one, and how sorry he was for being so depressed. It was too late. I never saw him out until about 2 years after the breakup, and you know what?? He was exactly the same. Nothing changed.

3 years later I met my fiance and I never had to make excuses for him, never had to hold back what I say to people about him, and loved him for everything that he was (not what I hoped he'd become).

We can't tell you what to do, your decision will have to be your own. When the time is right your heart will lead you in the right direction, regardless of what that direction will be.
Good luck

I can sort of understand how he may feel. I have some really bad issues with my emotions and some days I am a total F*ing B*tch to EVERYONE, and the next day it's sort of okay..I am constantly irritable and it's so confusing. Sometimes it includes thoughts about not marrying FH, it includes leaving him, it includes alot of messed up feelings that shouldn't be there. I know I need medication, but until I have the money and time to get to the doctor that has to be put on hold. I hate psychiatrists , but lately I have been wanting to go see one. I guess once you get to a point where you don't recognize yourself anymore, and you want answers as to why you are doing these things, you just realize that you need help.

I would deffinitely tell him how you are feeling, you know that you should talk to each other obviously, but like one girl said...be prepared for the worst. If he is how you say he is, he may just blow up and say Forget it and walk out. I mean, bring up to him about the engagment. Ask him why he wanted to do it in the first place. Tell him that you feel like you are being mentally abused. He has hurt you and you don't feel like you are doing anythng wrong. Tell him that you want to understand how he is feeling, and if he can't talk about it with you, maybe you guys should take a 'break'. Maybe if he feels lke he is going to lose you, it will make him realize that he needs to get some help and work on things. I wish you all the best hun. Marriage is alot of work, and that is what anyone will tell you who has been married for a long time. Bring up the pre-cana couple and what they talked about. Hopefully you guys can work it out.