So time for some popcorn...

Ok, so I'm going to be a little cryptic, because one never knows, although I am pretty sure that I don't need to worry, but in any event, please do not quote because I might take this down later.

So a relative of FH is getting married shortly before us. It appears that they have the much more swanky affair, but completely different than our style and vision, so I don't mind. But everything seems to be a little bit bigger, and a little bit better. So they had a massive eparty, which we attended and gave a nice gift. We didn't really have an eparty, we just had immediate family on both our sides meet for the first time one evening. As a result, since they are extended family, we did not receive a gift. Part of us knew not to expect that since they weren't invited to the party, but part of us was like but we went to yours? The head of that side of the family did send a card with a small amount of money, but the kicker was that it was signed by 3 generations of names, totaling 16 people!!! Those 3 additional family units knew we were engaged, but since we did not have the means to throw a big party for it, it was kind of ignored.

So fast forward. Shower invites go out, and I am invited. Part of me deep down was hoping I wouldn't be, but I guess I'm marrying in, so I'm family now? Besides just not knowing many people there besides FH's immediate family, my calculating beeechy side is upset, because...dum dum dum, it is more likely than not that she will be on her HM for my shower. So it will be like the eparty situation all over again.

So I'm just a bit upset. I feel that we're second fiddle, because, well, we're second. We know how much she's paying, because she told us lol, so it's going to be a very expensive wedding to attend, if we do it 'right'. Because of such, we know that most of our OOT guests, who obviously are invited to that wedding too, will attend theirs and not ours, because we cannot expect families of 4, 5, 6 etc. to make 2 round trip plane trips within months. So we are in grave danger of falling way below our minimum because of the vast amount of OOT guests we have. And, as bad as it is to say, I'm not expecting much from the guests who do attend, because they will have already have been taxed shortly before, and also because most people equate winter with cheap, and reflect that.

So I'm totally expecting a pile that I'm a greedy ungrateful beach. But can you see how I'd be a little upset? I just feel like I'm expected to be this perfect little Stepford and do right by all these family obligations, but then when it's time for the tables to be turned I'm the outsider so who gives a shiz.

Awww, sweetie, I'm sorry. We have had family issues in the past too, and it hurts. But, ya never know, maybe some of the guests will choose to come to your wedding instead!!!!!! Mary MOB

The best thing I can say is, those who believe YOUR wedding is important will make every effort to attend and give the gift they can afford. Who's to say that people will give the 'right' gift to her swanky affair anyway? People may be budgeting these days...

You are having the wedding that is PERFECT for you and FH and that's something that nobody else can change. I do know how you feel - a family member of mine just got engaged and is planning on throwing an e-part 2 WEEKS before my d a m n wedding! GRRRRR. It happens!

Good luck!

I dont think your feelings are unjustified. If you gave them a gift at there eparty they shouldve had the courtesy to give you one (not even for the actual gift but the thought goes with it). Dont go to the shower if you dont want to.
Also you never know the OOT may come to your wedding anyway so I wouldnt count them out just yet.

Thanks girls...

Saying no isn't really an option in this situation, so I need to suck it up and go. I didn't even receive the invite, it was sent to FH's address, so I might not even be the one to RSVP for my own person, lol.

It's not about the gifts...it's more the principle that you take into consideration what other people have done for you, so the eparty was one thing, but I'll be really upset if it happens with the shower now too if i go to theirs and then they are unable to attend ours but do not send anything in lieu. Especially because we would have already attended the wedding at that point, so can't play around with the card contents

A similar situation happened with me and my sister. I got married January 3rd and she got married March 29th. I had the big, swanky affair and she had the low key thing. Most of the people that I invited RSVP'd yes. Most of the people that she invited RSVP'd no. I'm sure she knew that was going to happen though.

As far as the shower/gift situation goes, it's just rude. Go, give something small and then when the wedding comes, don't give a lot. I know it sounds conniving, but, you're getting married too. It's not like money is raining from the sky for you.

Awwwww Ali, Im so sorry!!!

How far apart are the weddings?

I would also be VERY annoyed if I gave an eparty gift and they didnt give me a gift when it was my turn. Since they are spending a lot on their wedding obviously they have the money to go around- why couldnt they acknowledge your engagement like you did for theirs? I think that is rude- but sometimes its how people are. They dont think about anyone but themselves. I wouldnt give her that much for the wedding.

As for her wedding being more expensive... its not to say that it will be better than yours. Your wedding will be special because you have added many special touches (like the whole mask thing- not everyone does that and it would be cool and different). I dont want you start focusing more about her wedding and comparing it to yours because then you'll start trying to up the ante and trying to out do her here or there. You know what I mean?

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Posted by xosweetiexo

Awwwww Ali, Im so sorry!!!

How far apart are the weddings?

I would also be VERY annoyed if I gave an eparty gift and they didnt give me a gift when it was my turn. Since they are spending a lot on their wedding obviously they have the money to go around- why couldnt they acknowledge your engagement like you did for theirs? I think that is rude- but sometimes its how people are. They dont think about anyone but themselves. I wouldnt give her that much for the wedding.

As for her wedding being more expensive... its not to say that it will be better than yours. Your wedding will be special because you have added many special touches (like the whole mask thing- not everyone does that and it would be cool and different). I dont want you start focusing more about her wedding and comparing it to yours because then you'll start trying to up the ante and trying to out do her here or there. You know what I mean?

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Just want to comment: dont assume people have money just bc they are having a 'lavish' wedding... it could be the parents paying for it and the couple could be broke

I don't think it's bad at all to feel like this. .it's all very sensitive and such. . I actually don't think you need to go the the shower though. . you could send regrets b/c you have other plans. .

it's hard to feel like you are second just b/c of circumstance. but ITA agree with the poster who said. . don't worry people will come to your wedding and it will be fabulous and special b/c it represents the people you and your FH are. . IMHO some of my favorite weddings have NOT been the super swanky ones but the classy ones that were super filled with love. .. .

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Posted by FuTuRe MrS MaZz

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Posted by xosweetiexo

Awwwww Ali, Im so sorry!!!

How far apart are the weddings?

I would also be VERY annoyed if I gave an eparty gift and they didnt give me a gift when it was my turn. Since they are spending a lot on their wedding obviously they have the money to go around- why couldnt they acknowledge your engagement like you did for theirs? I think that is rude- but sometimes its how people are. They dont think about anyone but themselves. I wouldnt give her that much for the wedding.

As for her wedding being more expensive... its not to say that it will be better than yours. Your wedding will be special because you have added many special touches (like the whole mask thing- not everyone does that and it would be cool and different). I dont want you start focusing more about her wedding and comparing it to yours because then you'll start trying to up the ante and trying to out do her here or there. You know what I mean?

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Just want to comment: dont assume people have money just bc they are having a 'lavish' wedding... it could be the parents paying for it and the couple could be broke

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Yea thats true- OR they could be putting a lot of the wedding on their credit cards. But, not to give even just a small gift? Even a gift card to Bed Bath & Beyond or something? Its just rude...esp if they received a gift from that couple for an eparty.

Sidenote story: A friend of mine once got me a beautiful gift for Christmas....at the time I was like broke- but I pinched pennies and made SURE to get my friend a gift because she went out of her way to give me one. It can be done if the person really cared or wanted to.

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Posted by xosweetiexo

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Posted by FuTuRe MrS MaZz

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Posted by xosweetiexo

Awwwww Ali, Im so sorry!!!

How far apart are the weddings?

I would also be VERY annoyed if I gave an eparty gift and they didnt give me a gift when it was my turn. Since they are spending a lot on their wedding obviously they have the money to go around- why couldnt they acknowledge your engagement like you did for theirs? I think that is rude- but sometimes its how people are. They dont think about anyone but themselves. I wouldnt give her that much for the wedding.

As for her wedding being more expensive... its not to say that it will be better than yours. Your wedding will be special because you have added many special touches (like the whole mask thing- not everyone does that and it would be cool and different). I dont want you start focusing more about her wedding and comparing it to yours because then you'll start trying to up the ante and trying to out do her here or there. You know what I mean?

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Just want to comment: dont assume people have money just bc they are having a 'lavish' wedding... it could be the parents paying for it and the couple could be broke

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Yea thats true- OR they could be putting a lot of the wedding on their credit cards. But, not to give even just a small gift? Even a gift card to Bed Bath & Beyond or something? Its just rude...esp if they received a gift from that couple for an eparty.

Sidenote story: A friend of mine once got me a beautiful gift for Christmas....at the time I was like broke- but I pinched pennies and made SURE to get my friend a gift because she went out of her way to give me one. It can be done if the person really cared or wanted to.

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oh i agree, they def should have given them something... just another point to consider thats all

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Posted by FuTuRe MrS MaZz

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Posted by xosweetiexo

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Posted by FuTuRe MrS MaZz

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Posted by xosweetiexo

Awwwww Ali, Im so sorry!!!

How far apart are the weddings?

I would also be VERY annoyed if I gave an eparty gift and they didnt give me a gift when it was my turn. Since they are spending a lot on their wedding obviously they have the money to go around- why couldnt they acknowledge your engagement like you did for theirs? I think that is rude- but sometimes its how people are. They dont think about anyone but themselves. I wouldnt give her that much for the wedding.

As for her wedding being more expensive... its not to say that it will be better than yours. Your wedding will be special because you have added many special touches (like the whole mask thing- not everyone does that and it would be cool and different). I dont want you start focusing more about her wedding and comparing it to yours because then you'll start trying to up the ante and trying to out do her here or there. You know what I mean?

---

Just want to comment: dont assume people have money just bc they are having a 'lavish' wedding... it could be the parents paying for it and the couple could be broke

---

Yea thats true- OR they could be putting a lot of the wedding on their credit cards. But, not to give even just a small gift? Even a gift card to Bed Bath & Beyond or something? Its just rude...esp if they received a gift from that couple for an eparty.

Sidenote story: A friend of mine once got me a beautiful gift for Christmas....at the time I was like broke- but I pinched pennies and made SURE to get my friend a gift because she went out of her way to give me one. It can be done if the person really cared or wanted to.

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oh i agree, they def should have given them something... just another point to consider thats all

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Oh yea def! Sometimes I forget that there are parents that pay for everything... I wish that were me!! lol

here is my take -

don't attend the shower - you said you are going to feel uncomfortable there and you know she won't be attending yours anyway, you aren't obligated to go and you already attended the e-party. i would just send something small to be nice and *hopefully* she will do the same when its time for your shower....

i will be honest and yes, you might lose some OOT guests b/c they can't attend both - but you'll be surprised, there will still be people who end up coming to your wedding that you thought would decline. i had a great uncle who i haven't seen in years (at least 10 years!) who flew in from georgia - we were sure he was going to be a definite no due to his age and his location but he actually flew up for the wedding! so you just never know....also, almost everyone who was invited sent a gift even if they didn't attend the wedding which i was surprised to see - yeah, some people only sent $25 bucks but i thought it was nice to get a card in the mail congratulating us - anything we got was very much appreciated....

worst case scenario is that you are below minimum - if you get to that point talk to your RH - there has to be something they can do for you. we cut our list A LOT right before we sent out the invites b/c we were SO afraid of going over (since we had already paid off the RH). instead of inviting 250-260 people we only invited 215 and in the end we ended up being short - but the RH took care of us. dont be afraid to ask for extras if you are under.

i had the same wedding date as you - 12/5 and i dont think ANYBODY thought our wedding was 'cheap' (and it was a friday in the winter) and EVERY gift we received was very generous - seriously, we were suprised at how generous people were!

what i am trying to say is although it seems like a big deal now the day of the wedding it won't matter, so dont get bummed out

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Posted by Future Mulligan




i had the same wedding date as you - 12/5 and i dont think ANYBODY thought our wedding was 'cheap' (and it was a friday in the winter) and EVERY gift we received was very generous - seriously, we were suprised at how generous people were!

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ITA! I would never give a different gift based on time of year, day of week, or venue. The ONLY thing I base the amount of $$ I give is my relationship with the couple, I think the majority of people are like this

I TOTALLY empathize with you! Your reasons for being a little upset are validated! I understand you feeling slighted!

Honestly.... though there's not much you can do about it. It's kind of out of your control. Take it in stride. They are the ones that will look bad in the end. I wouldn't give as much of a wedding gift though.

It's a tough call. What does FH and FMIL feel about it?

Do you have a good reason to not attend her shower? haha. I know it sounds not so nice.. but it is a way of leveling the playing fields kinda. IDK. it's a tough call, like i said.

I'm sorry!