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Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

JessicaM. Posted:

Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

I am not one for following Mrs. Posts's book, but some people around me all of a sudden ( ) are sticklers for it

how far up the family tree do I have to climb to extend and invite to a smallish (140 people ABSOLUTE max) wedding?

Am I being improper by having my grandfathers siblings (that I haven't seen or heard from in YEARS and they live in the same borough as I do!) on the B-list?

I have basically no relationship with these people, and I doubt they would care...but some others in my family do.

interested in hearing your thoughts.

TIA!
ShortBride Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

I think you are fine! People get really weird around weddings...

brooklynbridezilla Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

Hah, I had the same probelm with the grandparents siblings. They actually crashed my wedding.
ShortBride Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

Posted by brooklynbridezilla

Hah, I had the same probelm with the grandparents siblings. They actually crashed my wedding.


carlsbride Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

I went by levels-if I invited one great-Aunt-I invited them all. For cousins-I cut it off at a certain age (I have a huge family).

If you are not close with that level of people-or don't even know them, then I wouldn't invite them to the wedding. To me, that is proper etiquette.
MJDoc12 Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

i see nothing wrong with them on the 'B' list. this is your wedding, and you have to put people on there that you want to invite. not people you feel like you HAVE to.

i follow these basic guidelines when i have been creating my list:

1) Have I talked to this person within the past 6 months?

2) Would I invite this person over to my house for dinner?

3) Have I seen or visited this person in the last year?
Thumballina Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

Posted by carlsbride

I went by levels-if I invited one great-Aunt-I invited them all. For cousins-I cut it off at a certain age (I have a huge family).

If you are not close with that level of people-or don't even know them, then I wouldn't invite them to the wedding. To me, that is proper etiquette.


I agree...I have a few cut off lines on my list as well...basically if we have no contact or I haven't seen you in forever - NO invite for you...you have to put your foot down...FH & I did and told both our parents that if anyone has a problem with who is and isn't on our lists (i.e. cousins children or Aunt Betty's sisters children - whatever the case is) to please have them contact FH & I...

Sorry...I'm just starting to feel the stress...
JessicaM. Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

Posted by carlsbride

I went by levels-if I invited one great-Aunt-I invited them all. For cousins-I cut it off at a certain age (I have a huge family).

If you are not close with that level of people-or don't even know them, then I wouldn't invite them to the wedding. To me, that is proper etiquette.


can you call my mom for me!

thanks.
seta Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

edited to delete and preserve my families dirty laundry!!!!!
cindyandkevin Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

I'm inviting both of my grandmother's sisters, but I see them both fairly frequently (few times a year). However, I don't know any of my grandfather's siblings and they aren't being invited. There are a couple of people on my grandmother's side that I don't know that my mom insisted we invite, and I decided to give in bc it only added 4 more people and we're trying to meet our minimum.

I'd say if you're trying to keep it small and you don't know them AND you know you'll meet your min, then you don't need to invite them. It might be a nice gesture to anyway, if you figure they'll say no. HTH!!
JessicaM. Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

I am glad you all feel the same way. she ALMOST had me thinking I was wrong.

Thanks so much.

oh, and in the 11 years! that I have been with fh, he has never met any of them. people kill me.

btw, if I had the room, I would have no problem extending the invite...but they want me to take people off my list, that I know and love, to accommodate these other relatives (we hit our room maximum already)
103005FallBride Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

Here's what I did...This is harsh, but true.

I asked myself the question...if I died tomorrow...would they care?! I know..., but when it comes to family...you have to go to drastic measures.

I have second Cousins who are closer to me than you could ever imagine. Their kids are super close to me to. We're all one big happy family. They were invited.
I then have first Cousins who wouldn't know me if they passed me on the street...I didn't invite them.

I don't think it really matters where in the family tree they're located...it's all about who really genuinely cares about you and your relationship with your FH.

HTH.
M&S Sept12006 Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

Jess,

Its really up to you sweetie. I think starting with your immediate family and closest friends, if you've reached 140 then thats it...I dont think its inappropriate not to invite people you dont have a relationship with...if anything I think its absurd but thats just my $.02... Mike and I have decided not to invite our co-workers for that same reason. We have a limit of 75 guests set and we're inviting only our closest family and closest friends...we're not inviting 2nd cousins and people we dont associate with on regular basis...
M&S Sept12006 Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

Posted by 103005FallBride

Here's what I did...This is harsh, but true.

I asked myself the question...if I died tomorrow...would they care?! I know..., but when it comes to family...you have to go to drastic measures.

I have second Cousins who are closer to me than you could ever imagine. Their kids are super close to me to. We're all one big happy family. They were invited.
I then have first Cousins who wouldn't know me if they passed me on the street...I didn't invite them.

I don't think it really matters where in the family tree they're located...it's all about who really genuinely cares about you and your relationship with your FH.

HTH.


I agree with this 100%.
SeptBride70 Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

Bottom line... it is your wedding! You can invite or not invite anyone you want. If your family members are upset... they'll get over it. You need to stand firm in your decision, especially if you are paying for any part of it! And that's that. I'm not inviting MY OWN UNCLE b/c he is the black sheep of the family, treated my Mom like dirt, and I have no relationship with him. Granted, everyone in my family agrees with that EXCEPT his son. Oh well, tuff _____! It's completely up to you who you invite. What if you were having an intimate wedding with just immediate?? Like ten people total type thing... they need to respect the type of wedding you want. Good luck sweetheart!!
SomethingBlu Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

Posted by 103005FallBride

Here's what I did...This is harsh, but true.

I asked myself the question...if I died tomorrow...would they care?! I know..., but when it comes to family...you have to go to drastic measures.

I have second Cousins who are closer to me than you could ever imagine. Their kids are super close to me to. We're all one big happy family. They were invited.
I then have first Cousins who wouldn't know me if they passed me on the street...I didn't invite them.

I don't think it really matters where in the family tree they're located...it's all about who really genuinely cares about you and your relationship with your FH.

HTH.


This is a great response! I did the same thing and although my wedding was small (slightly under 100 people) they were ALL family or close friends...no one was a stranger! Except for one couple that crashed (they took DH's father's uncle's spot - and these were people that 'had' to be invited, go figure, they didn't show! )...
itslaurie. Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

I am surpirsed you are inviting them at all, let alone the B listing 'em.

ChrissynRicky Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

Posted by SomethingBlu

Posted by 103005FallBride

Here's what I did...This is harsh, but true.

I asked myself the question...if I died tomorrow...would they care?! I know..., but when it comes to family...you have to go to drastic measures.

I have second Cousins who are closer to me than you could ever imagine. Their kids are super close to me to. We're all one big happy family. They were invited.
I then have first Cousins who wouldn't know me if they passed me on the street...I didn't invite them.

I don't think it really matters where in the family tree they're located...it's all about who really genuinely cares about you and your relationship with your FH.

HTH.


This is a great response! I did the same thing and although my wedding was small (slightly under 100 people) they were ALL family or close friends...no one was a stranger! Except for one couple that crashed (they took DH's father's uncle's spot - and these were people that 'had' to be invited, go figure, they didn't show! )...


AMEN!
October Bliss Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

You only have to go as far as you want. I was being told by my mother I needed to invite certain cousins (5, plus spouses = 10 guests), but not to worry because they won't come. Now, she tells me, she didn't get x-mas cards from them, so she thinks they are trying to distance themselves so they DON'T get an invite. Ummm, hello, isn't a no an appropriate response to an invite????

Beach-e-bride Posted:

Re: Someone help me settle an 'etiquette' debate

im inviting my grandmother's siblings, but my parents are paying and my dad really wants them to be invited- they also insisted that all of my dad's cousins are invited -- but again- if im not paying- its fine with me

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