For those who are adopted, have/would you seek out your biological parents?
My aunt has absolutely no desire to find her biological parents - she always said she only has one mother and father.
If you have found them, what's your relationship like? If you don't mind my asking...
For those who said they would adopt, would you be supportive of your child looking for his/her biologcial parents?
RedHead
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My DH's father is adopted and did not try to find his biological parent...
june262004
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OMG Farrah I was just going to the top of the page to start a new thread with the same QUESTION!!!!
I always thought if I adopted a child I would tell them they were adopted! I watch this show called 'starting over' its about woman who want to start over LOL. There is this lady thats on who is a recovering alcholic and drug addict this is why she gave her son up for adoption. She was told the adoption would be an open adoption. for the first few years pictures were sent to her and then they stopped. Then the family changed their # then the moved. She is clean now and on the show to meet her son. The mother will not allow her to meet him. I feel bad for her. ETA the son is 18 and had a few drug problems himself. The mother blames this on Cassie (the bio mother) in the meantime the adopted mother has been married 3 or 4 times and moves around alot.
But then I read on a website for starting over all these people who were adopted that say she had no rights and is an idiot for trying to find him.
If I adopted I think I would let it be open and I would tell them they are adopted right away I think.
MrsJ
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My ex was adopted and I knew he always wanted to meet them...and find them. Turned out they lived in Brooklyn. I found them for him and we went to meet them on his birthday, everyone was thrilled. Hope their new relationship had betger luck than ours did!
marymoon
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I'm semi curious, but I know it would hurt my mom too much, so I never pursued it. i didn't know I was adopted until I was 15 (they were nevr going to tell me) and it was awful. When I adopt, theya re going to know from DAY 1 that they are adopted!
aliciahelene
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I have to add my two censt worth..I am adopting and I am all for our boys knwoing their families. Their bio parents have passed, but they do have family, they are just to poor to care for them. So I have hired an investigator to find these families and its my intention for our boys to see these families before they come here to America and hopefully they can keep in touch. I would never ever, ever dream of denying a child of where they came from. I feel bad as it is that our boys will never know their parents. An adopted child often wonders where did I get my eyes from? Where did my smile come from? Its WHO they are. I can raise them, I can love them, I will treat them as if they were my own..but the fact remains that they were conceived by two loving parents, who named them and cherished them and then they died of AIDS. I would never in my wildest dreams to act as if that didnt happen.
TwoBugs
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My brother is adopted and had never sought his biological parents. When he was a rebellious teenager he would sometimes say that he was going to look for them, only because he knew it hurt our mother. But he never actually pursued it.
We still celebrate the day our parents brought him home as his 'special day'.
june262004
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Alicia you are awesome and so strong!
FeliciaDA
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I cannot speak personally, but I have known quite a few adoptees -- and these were their experiences:
Two of my ex's were adopted - both stories are very similar. They both had very tumultous relationship with their parents (adoptive parents), so all their lives both searched for their biological parents .. and unfortunately, both were miserable with the outcome. In one case, one of my ex's learned some pretty awful things about how we was conceived and why he was given up, and it changed him for the worse .. in the other case, my ex found some peace with finding his biological mother, but she wanted no part of him in her life
My sister in law is adopted (she is married to my husband's brother) She is Korean and was adopted by her parents as a baby when she was in an orphanage. She has never had any desire to trace her roots or try to determine who her parents were - obviously they were deceased, but she never had any desire to look into who her extended biologial family might be..she loves her parents tremendously and always said that its just not relevant to her
My cousin was adopted by my aunt and uncle .. for most of her childhood, she wasn't told that she was adopted, which I always thought was a big mistake. When she was about 13 she found out, and as you might imagine it did cause her much anger and confusion (not that she was adopted, mainly that she wasn't told the truth all those years) She is now 16 and my aunt and uncle has put her in touch with her biological mom and dad (they had a private adoption so they knew the biological parents well) and so far, they have a limited relationship developing. The jury is still out if it will be long - lasting, but my cousin is happy to have both sets of her parents in her life.
nov04LIbride
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My DH has an older sister who his parents had very young and put up for adoption. About 2 years ago she found his parents and his family. She is much older, and has 3 kids of her own. It's kind of weird--she had a nice life with her adoptive parents, but I think she still harbors a great deal of resentment towards his parents for giving her up. She asked my DH to go to counseling with her to accept her as a sister, and my DH didn't want to. He said to me he will never consider her a sister because he did not grow up with her, and met her when he was 25 and she was 35 or something. She was at our wedding, and when they asked for immediate family pics. she was in the pics., but you can tell she stood aside (and even asked whether she should be in the pics).
aliciahelene
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And just for the record, when I first started looking into adoption, I had no idea it would be from Ethiopia or that oru childrens parents would have passed. and so in my search, I had full intentions of an open adoption. Reasercah has even showed that its healthy for the children to know where they come from. There is afine line with open adoptions, and its up to each individual family to do whats right for themselves, but women who give up their child, they do it out of care and concern and should be commended, but yet they grieve as well. It benefits everyone involed, the whole triad, the adoted child, the adoptive parents as well as the bio parents. I have aclient, hes 16 and was adopted at age 10. His bio parents are users and were very abuseive to him. He struggles every day to find them and his adopted parents wont let him. Yes, his bio parents were horrible to him, but he needs to see that and remember that. It is causing problems with his adopted parents because they arent open to it. Its all very sad. Anyhow..I could speak on and on about adoption..Ive done alot of research, read alot of books and attended alot of conferences..Im very much a firm believer in the child knowing the truth.
reallybehind!
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i don't have any experience with adoption, but i think if i was adopted i'd want to know. so going by that if i ever were to adopt i'd tell my children and be supportive if they wanted to meet their biological parents.
june26- i love that show starting over! i'm not sure what to make of cassie. i mean she did have an open adoption and the kid is 18 now. i wish they could get the son on the phone or in a video or something to prove that he does not want to meet her. that would at least provide cassie with some closure.
usuk2004
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Posted by aliciahelene
I can raise them, I can love them, I will treat them as if they were my own..but the fact remains that they were conceived by two loving parents, who named them and cherished them and then they died of AIDS. I would never in my wildest dreams to act as if that didnt happen.
I agree with you, only, sadly not all biological parents are loving... My aunt's biological parents were both drug addicts and weren't sure they wanted to keep her, yet tried to keep her from becoming attached to my grandparents as well. They used to have to take her to a convent in Brooklyn for visits with her bio parents and her father used to shield her eyes and keep her from looking over to my grandparents
I do believe a child should be told from the beginning. It must be such a shock when you're older to learn you're adopted. I think it's much easier for a child to grasp the fact that they were 'chosen' instead of 'not wanted'
ETA: Alicia we were posting on a very similar topic at the same time RE: abusive bio parents
june262004
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Posted by reallybehind!
i don't have any experience with adoption, but i think if i was adopted i'd want to know. so going by that if i ever were to adopt i'd tell my children and be supportive if they wanted to meet their biological parents.
june26- i love that show starting over! i'm not sure what to make of cassie. i mean she did have an open adoption and the kid is 18 now. i wish they could get the son on the phone or in a video or something to prove that he does not want to meet her. that would at least provide cassie with some closure.
I know. I think the adopted mother is a NUT!
aliciahelene
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I hear what everyone is saying, but even if the parents were abusive..they are still wher that child came from. I dont think its fair to keep that from anyone. The child doesnt have to be happy that he had abusive parents, but he has that right to know. If I didnt know where I cam from..it would be hard. I know that I have my fathers eyes. I have my mothers hands. I share a smile and freckles with my sister. If I had all that kept from me..it would be very hard. Its like lmissing piece to a puzzle..and I think its in the back of most adopted childrens minds..who am I? Where did I get my hair from? What is my health history? etc.
usuk2004
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Posted by aliciahelene
I hear what everyone is saying, but even if the parents were abusive..they are still wher that child came from. I dont think its fair to keep that from anyone. The child doesnt have to be happy that he had abusive parents, but he has that right to know. If I didnt know where I cam from..it would be hard. I know that I have my fathers eyes. I have my mothers hands. I share a smile and freckles with my sister. If I had all that kept from me..it would be very hard. Its like lmissing piece to a puzzle..and I think its in the back of most adopted childrens minds..who am I? Where did I get my hair from? What is my health history? etc.
I totally agree. I think I would have to know as well. I actually think it's really admirable that my aunt feels her adoptive parents are the only ones she ever needs to know. She's always known she was adopted and has always had my grandmother's support should she want to find her biological parents, but she's never felt the need.
nov04LIbride
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My aunt adopted two teenage girls a few years ago. First they had them as foster children because the mother was a drug addict and wouldn't sign away her rights and let her be adopted. Anyway, she finally did, but said she wanted yearly visits. So the first year my aunt gets them all dressed up nice, has their hair done, etc., and the woman never shows. The girls never heard from her again. It's just really sad--I think they were gotten at a point in their life where they are already emotionally scarred from what their mother put them through. Now they won't be living on the streets anymore, but I don't know that they can ever really be happy knowing what they went through.
Kate07
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A couple of years ago I found out I have a cousin who was given up for adoption. He is old enough to be my father. Anyway years ago my father's sister was sexually assaulted by her boyfriend and she ended up pregnant. Well it was this big secret. I don't even think my grandpa ever even knew. My Aunt 'went away' for a year. Anyway my cousin, his name is Michael, got in touch with her a couple of years ago. I thinks she was a little shcoked because he was older, and I guess she thought if he was going to contact her, he would have done so when he was much younger. She was extremely nervous because she had never told her kids.. So that was tough. Turns out my dather had found out years ago so he was supportive. Although I think it was strange because years ago so much was done to keep it a secret and all of the suddeneveryone knew. Anyway I met him once, the relationship really didn't develop between him and everyone that much because we're different - not in a bad way - just different background personality, etc.. They stay in touch but it is more of a friendship.
janet
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i am adopted and last year 3 weeks after i was married my birth mom found me and my sister (which we kept in touch) found out i had a little sister 4 now and a brother 2 now. i don't have that bond with her but i do with my brother and sister. she never changed her ways all that much and welli feel like she wants me to pay for her and the kids , what do i look like i hit the lotto!
i do talk to her mostly to keep a hold of my sister and brother.
as for my birth father he is somewhere in manhatten, and from what i hear he is a reall winner too. i guess it was better for me to have been taken away.
janet
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Posted by aliciahelene
I hear what everyone is saying, but even if the parents were abusive..they are still wher that child came from. I dont think its fair to keep that from anyone. The child doesnt have to be happy that he had abusive parents, but he has that right to know. If I didnt know where I cam from..it would be hard. I know that I have my fathers eyes. I have my mothers hands. I share a smile and freckles with my sister. If I had all that kept from me..it would be very hard. Its like lmissing piece to a puzzle..and I think its in the back of most adopted childrens minds..who am I? Where did I get my hair from? What is my health history? etc.
being an adpotee i always felt i was playing a role in a play, but when i meet her like i said in my other post there was no bond i don't look like her and it's well a hard thing to swallow knowing what i could have been if i stayed with her. my sister on the other hand has a good relationship with her but that is because she is like her in way to many ways.
