Stephchild Advice Please w/ Poll????

Sorry in Advance, this will be long! I'm just looking for everyone's opinion here b/c I put my foot down with FH and now i'm feeling bad and like the dreaded EVIL STEPMOM!!!!

FH's Daughter chopped her hair off unexpectedly last Saturday (a little over a week ago). FH suddenly got a text saying 'OMG I cut my hair, it's short!'. Now, mind you, she absolutely hates her hair short and cries for months every time she does this and she is in the bridal party. Naturally, FH's first reaction is 'WHAT! Why would you do that, the wedding is in 3 months!'

Step-daughter ((Calling her SD)) freaks out and goes off how he doesn't care about her and what he wants and all he cares about is the wedding which is so strange b/c I have a FANTASTIC relationship with her and she has always been super-excited about the wedding. FH proceeds to tell SD that is not the case, he would love her no matter what her hair looks like and she is beautiful but it's too late....she just keeps demanding that his first response should have been 'Do YOU like it and is this what YOU wanted to do.' Now it's getting ridiculous and he's fed up with her so he starts yelling and she's talking back and he tells her to calm down and he'll call her back in 10 minutes.

Fast Forward to 10 minutes later and she won't pick up her cell phone that we got her, she keeps hitting it to voicemail. He sends her a text msg. that says 'if you don't pick up your phone i'm shutting it off!' and she responds 'I don't care shut it off you don't even care about what I WANT!'.

FH shuts off her phone and calls her later on via her house phone and she proceeds to scream at him like he is her child. FH loses temper and the next day when he goes to pick her up for lunch she refuses to come out of the house.

2 Days later she calls FH crying and he says he wants a letter of apology stating what she did wrong and that she will never do it again. Now as of this past Satuday, it was 5 days with NO LETTER. He finally says W*T*F is going on??? He gets an email back from her that was CLEARLY written by her mother saying how he has been harassing her for an email for over a week and the email was truly demeaning and nasty. He says to her that he realizes her mom wrote the letter but he wants one from her and she starts pointing a finger at ME saying maybe I WROTE HIS EMAIL?!?!? At this point i am losing it and I have no idea who this little brat thinks she is! So I email her, get a nasty email back from her saying how she doesn't care and blah blah blah so I remind her of how much we love her and tell her she's being ridiculous but we'll talk about it this weekend when we get her for visitation.

Usually we handle things great as a family and now FH is starting to feel bad b/c he knows how her mom is and through her friend, we heard that she is blowing this all out of proportion to SD and telling her that all we care about is our wedding.

SO.....here is my question???? FH just called me and asked me to turn SD's phone back on and my response was ABSOLUTELY NOT! She is punished and will not get her phone back until she comes here and apologizes for her actions b/c she is a CHILD and will not talk to him the way she did. I feel that he is feeling guilty and by turning her phone back on, he is teachnig her nothing. As a parent, I think that is irresponsible of him and I agree that I have contributed alot to spoiling her but we have never had this problem before.

Sorry so long, just wondering if i'm being a B!tch or if i'm right that Tough Love is needed!

Thanks in advance!!!!!!!

wow! definitely sounds like she is acting out for attention and in my opinion her mother is putting things in her head especially since the date is getting closer- honestly I would have had the same reaction as you but unfortunately you and FH have to be on the same page of things because it will only make the situation worse hopefully he will eventually agree with you- that isn't nice especially since you have such a nice & close relationship with her

Hey there,

Sounds like you are in a similar situation to me. my opinion is 'No'.....let her learn to respect both of you as adults and parents. Turning it back on teaches her nothing and that she can behave that way again. She should have to earn the luxury of the cell phone back.

Feel free to FM me with any questions, like I said I know exactly what you are dealing with...I have a SD to be as well and have dealt with a lot within the last year.

Good Luck!

no way....do not feel like ur mean for not turning her phone back on. The problem is lately that ppl DO feel guilty and then let their kids get away wtth everything and talk to them like dirt.....he is the parent, she is the child. She needs to learn that. she wont die without cellphones.....i didnt have one till i was 18....she can last without it.

i have always felt that you pick your stance and you keep it....your not there to be their friend...your their to be their parent and teach them to be good ppl

HTH

Thanks Ladies, I am feeling very strongly about this. Just to give some additional info, FH was ok with my decision and I told him I would respect him if he really felt he wanted to turn it on. I am just feeling bad now.

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Posted by anamaree77

Thanks Ladies, I am feeling very strongly about this. Just to give some additional info, FH was ok with my decision and I told him I would respect him if he really felt he wanted to turn it on. I am just feel bad now.

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that is good you both respect eachtother like that- don't feel bad your motherly instinct kicked in it definitely sounds like something you feel strong about

Don't feel bad - you are doing the right thing. In the end it is for her own good. Discipline is tough these days b/c a lot of parents do feel guilty for the fact that they are from divorced homes, etc. My FH is very lenient b/c of the guilt and it has caused issues in the past b/c my SD felt she can talk back to me the way her parents allowed her to speak to them. It ends up spilling over to everyone else.

In the end she will respect both of you for sticking to your guns.

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Posted by mariaobride

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Posted by anamaree77

Thanks Ladies, I am feeling very strongly about this. Just to give some additional info, FH was ok with my decision and I told him I would respect him if he really felt he wanted to turn it on. I am just feel bad now.

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that is good you both respect eachtother like that- don't feel bad your motherly instinct kicked in it definitely sounds like something you feel strong about

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While I can't really relate to your situation since we have no kids, from an outsider, you appear to be handling it fine. It sounds like she is looking for attention and probably nervous about how things will change once you get married. I just think that she needs to learn that this is not the way to handle her problems.

Don't feel guilty, she'll get over it just as quickly as she got upset in the first place.

IMO it sounds like you're absolutely doing the right thing! Obviously she's learned nothing yet and turning her phone back on just makes the whole week that has just passed seem absolutely pointless. I mean, I don't have kids but it seems like she's just acting out for attention.

How old is she by the way?

I think no matter what there will be some little issues when dealing with step children and x's.

But as an educator I can tell you that the only way children learn is when they have consistency in their lives.

If she was told that the phone would not be turned on until she gave an apology and then you turn it back on without an apology she will know that she can get away with this behavior whenever she wants. You want to try and stop this behavior and you and fh need to be on the same page and stick to the original plan of the phone is off until she apologizes.
GL keep us updated

I think you are absolutely right in not turning her phone back on. She needs to learn to respect your guys.

Good luck!

Thank you so very much ladies, you have given me such a sigh of relief! She just turned 13 by the way and has learned on both sides that yelling is acceptable. Unfortunately, FH and her mom went through alot of drama and for the 1st year we were together, it almost drove me insane so I can imagine how it is for her!

FH and myself put ALOT of work into making our home a stable and peaceful environment for them and they have been told repeatedly that they are #1 in our lives before anything else. My point to FH is that we need to be a solid foundation for them.

Up to this point, my relationship with her has been AMAZING! It is so disheartening for me to see her do this. I do not want to punish her and make her upset but even more so, I truly desire to be a great parent and role model for her.

You girls are such a blessing and I value your advice and opinions so very much. Thank You!

Wow, you really are living my life. My SD just turned 13 as well.

It isn't easy but you sound like you are doing the right thing as parents. I always say that we have great days and some not so great days...it is a tough age as well.

Good Luck to you!