Page 2 of 2

Stressed now about what I gave as wedding gifts!!!

Original post by HappyPlanner

Thread views: 1,719

So before I joined this board, I seriously was clueless about price per head for weddings. Now that I'm looking up the reception halls that I've been too, I'm worried that I didn't give enough in the past.I mean I know a lot of factors vary..some of the weddings I've been to were about 5-7 years ago. and most of the time I was a poor student or unemployeed, however what exactly is the etiquette?

Are you really supposed to give as much as the person spends per head? Or you give as much as you can? I've always thought I've given a decent amount. I even send wedding/shower gifts to out of town weddings that I can't attend. My friend told me that if you know a place is $$$, don't even bother going or bringing a date!!! Yikes..

HELP! I never thought I was cheap, just want to be more aware...anyone else with these issues? Maybe I'm just stressing for no reason.

HappyPlanner Thread views: 1,719

Re: Stressed now about what I gave as wedding gifts!!!

Agreed!!! Thanks ladies!!

I feel better now. I know that if they are my real friends, they 'shouldn't judge' and respect you as a friend, not how much you gave them!

Brian and Marie Thread views: 1,719

Re: Stressed now about what I gave as wedding gifts!!!

Posted by JnD110808

I usually give $300 for me and my fh and if it's a close friend $500. I try to cover the plate, but I think you give what you can afford to give.

Thats exactly what we give!!

FutureMrsRice Thread views: 1,719

Re: Stressed now about what I gave as wedding gifts!!!

You do not need to cover the plate charge. They are throwing this wedding because they want to have a party and they are inviting you because they want you to be a part of their day, not because they want you to repay them for the day!!!! If someone chose to have their wedding at a very expensive place, does that mean you need to give MORE because they chose to spend a fortune on the party? Absolutely not. $200-300 from a couple is absolutely fine. And if you couldn't give that because you didn't have the money, if you give what you can or a heartfelt gift, that's fine too. It SHOULD BE the thought that counts. It is a gift, not a repayment.

Ditto!!

Summer07Bride Thread views: 1,719

Re: Stressed now about what I gave as wedding gifts!!!

Posted by HappyPlanner

I guess it's cuz I hear brides AFTer they get married talk about ( in general terms) what they got, etc..and I feel kinda bad. I didn't know that there was a rule? I thought people know that you don't make your money back at weddings. (unless a Chinese banquet )...

There is no rule and I really do believe you should give what you can afford. If someone chooses a hall that costs 250 pp that was their choice and you should not feel obliged to give 500. JMHO

betani Thread views: 1,719

Re: Stressed now about what I gave as wedding gifts!!!

Posted by jboothin2008

You do not need to cover the plate charge. They are throwing this wedding because they want to have a party and they are inviting you because they want you to be a part of their day, not because they want you to repay them for the day!!!! If someone chose to have their wedding at a very expensive place, does that mean you need to give MORE because they chose to spend a fortune on the party? Absolutely not. $200-300 from a couple is absolutely fine. And if you couldn't give that because you didn't have the money, if you give what you can or a heartfelt gift, that's fine too. It SHOULD BE the thought that counts. It is a gift, not a repayment.

exactly. i know i would never even expect a gift from my close friends and family (and that's being honest). i'm just glad they can be there to celebrate the day with me. if they chose to give a gift as well, that's more than generous.

on the flip side, i try to give what i can afford and heartfelt. i personally know my friends/family and they feel the same way i do on the gift issue (that's why we get along so well).

PegaLega Thread views: 1,719

Re: Stressed now about what I gave as wedding gifts!!!

Our regular gift is $300 unless its a very very close friend of ours. Then maybe 350-400 but we had guests at our wedding give us $50 or $100-we didnt turn our noses up and say 'how cheap' we knew that was all they could afford.

Dont feel bad-everyone is different and finances and bills and responsibilities are different for everyone

BoxOfRocks Thread views: 1,719

Re: Stressed now about what I gave as wedding gifts!!!

Ditto on not feeling obligated to cover your plate. FTR, giving a gift to cover your plate is an etiquette myth. Give what you can afford, period.

Here are a couple of etiquette guides on the 'covering one's plate' issue. Both say you should give what you can afford, even though thy were written nearly 40 years apart.

'Amy Vanderbilt's New Complete Book of Etiquette,' 1963:

Never feel you must 'match your gift to the circumstances.' If you are the bride's former teacher, living on a small salary, don't feel you must give a gift well out of proportion to the amount you should spend, just because the bride will have a big wedding and perhaps live on a lavish scale.

'Emily Post's Etiquette,' 17th ed., 2004:

[Q:] Am I supposed to buy a gift that costs as much as the families spend on each person at the wedding? [A:] No. This modern myth causes considerably anxiety for guests, but it is false. The amount you spend is strictly a matter of your budget, and what you think is an appropriate gift. Even if someone is brash enough to indicate how much is being spent on the wedding, you are under no obligation to spend more than you can afford.

ETA--the original copyright of the Vanderbilt book is 1952 and has been updated a number times. The most recent version I have is 1963.