T G I FUNNIES!!!!!!!!
-- learn from my fail--
When taking your puppy out early in the morning, do remember what hand the poo bag is on before picking it up. #LFMF
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No matter how old you are, always use the bathroom before going through a haunted maze. ALWAYS. #LFMF
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Do not read zombie books at bedtime, because half-asleep little girls who come looking for a hug after a bad dream can look a lot like a zombie to their half-awake mother. It was bad for both of us. #LFMF
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If you're looking for your cell phone in the dark, don't use the light from your cell phone to find it. #LFMF
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If you have a 200-page print job due the next morning at 9am that your job rests on, set it printing and go to bed, make sure there's enough paper in the printer. #LFMF
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When opening a package of Poprocks with your teeth, do NOT inhale. You will snort said candy and end up sneezing for no less than 5 minutes. #LFMF
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No matter how hot and spicy 16 Slim Jims taste going in, it does not compare to the hot and spiciness of their exit. #LFMF
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(650):
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
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(709):
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
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Today, I was accused of shop-lifting by an old lady in a supermarket. Having proven myself innocent, I tried to storm off to show my displeasure at the situation. In my haste to make a dramatic exit, I tried to go out of the entrance and walked straight into the automatic door. FML
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Today, my 5 year old son and I went out. As I was looking in the window display of a shop, I turned around to witness my son pooping in an open manhole on the street. FML
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Today, I asked my boyfriend if I could call him 'love muffin'. He asked if he could call me 'muffin top'. FML
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Today, I was eating lunch at McDonald's when an older man sat down at the table next to me and told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I'm a 20 year old man. FML
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Today, I woke up to two text messages from my mother. The first said, 'You could've had this for breakfast. How do you like your eggs?' The next text was a picture message of her naked. I think it was meant to be sent to her boyfriend. FML
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the end
