Tell me a joke...

I'm bored....

Mickey and Minnie are in divorce court and the judge says to Mickey 'I see you want to divorce Minnie on the grounds that she is insane..what makes you say that?

Mickey says ' I didn't say she was crazy.. I said she was f**king Goofy'

ba dum bum

All I know are dirty ones:

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, 'What are them cows up to honey?'

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, 'Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!'

She replies, 'Oh, I see!'

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, 'What are them horses doing honey?'

The husband answers again, 'Them horses, they're roping!'

She replies, 'Oh, I see!'

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore
each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

'Oh my!' she cries, 'What is that?'

'Well, darlin'' he chuckles proudly, 'That's ma'rope!'

She slides her hands down further and gasps, 'Oh my goodness! What are those?' she asks.

'Honey, those're my knots!' he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, 'Stop honey, wait a minute!'

Her husband, panting a little, asks, 'What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?'

'No,' the bride replies, 'undo them damn knots, I need more rope!'

A woman goes to the doctor and tells him she has a very big problem.
She said 'Doctor, on Last Monday when I went to the bathroom to pee, penny's came out.. Then on Tuesday, it happened again only nickles came out. Then on Wednesda, once again it happend, and this time dimes cames out.'
So the doctor replied 'Let me guess on Thursday it happened again and this time quarters came out?'
She said 'Oh my goodness, yes. How did you know that?
Doctor replied ' Don't worry, your going through the change.'

Ba-da-dum

An Arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
' your name pls.'
'abdul aziz '
'sex?'
'six times a week!! '
'no, no, i mean male or female!'
'doesn't matters, sometimes even camel'

BA-DA-DUM....

Teacher : what do you want to become? Little Johnny : doctor!!
Teacher: why?
lil Johnny: coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

ba-da-bum....

love them all

A 75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl. on their first night both were crying.
why??? coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.

Ba-dum-bum...

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs Some
potassium cyanide.
The pharmacist said, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, 'Lord have mercy, I can't
give you potassium cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the
law!
They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.'
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of Her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to him.
The pharmacist looked at it and replied, 'Well now, you didn't tell me
you had a prescription.'


THIS IS HILARIOUS... always makes me laugh... lol

Btw, is it evident how bored I am?

'Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?'

She told him, 'Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.' Then

he asked, 'Why is my sister named Cornflower?' She replied, 'Well,

your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her.'

'And why is my other sister called Moonchild?'

The mother said, 'We were watching the moon landing while she was

conceived.' Mother Indian paused and asked her son, 'Tell me, Torn Rubber,

why are you so curious?

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, 'May I ask what the turkey did?'

Here's my contribution:

ALWAYS TRUST WAL-MART

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
' My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a
doctor.'

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds
later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your
arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
weeks.' Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to
Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in
his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart. You can always trust Walmart

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Posted by Jan05Bride

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, 'May I ask what the turkey did?'

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