The 2008 Hair and Makeup Massacre

Okay. So I go for my first hair and makeup trial this weekend. I have been stressing this step of the process for some time now. Let's just say that from some of your pictures, you girls need a bare minimum of effort to look flawless on your wedding day. Unfortunately, due to the cruelty of the Gods, genes, and a regrettable fascination with fried chicken, I require some heavy lifting in order to be fit for public consumption on my big day.

I go to my appointment armed with an arsenal of pictures for reference. Now, this was my first problem. I was looking for a natural looking style, and when I showed the pics to my mom and aunt, they both went into apoplectic fits about how it should be sleek and up.

First- my head is roughly the size of a basketball. On any given day, in a strong wind, I can topple over at any time due to my lack of proportion (think Charlie Brown, but human and a girl ). So it is very important to me that I have some fullness, but no bridal bump, which would just embiggen my head even further. So “up” is not what I was going for. Sort of ‘back’ would be preferable. But not sleek against my head, because that would also, I fear, accentuate the already tremendous head I’ve got going on.

So I show her these pics (hopefully below) of the hair I want, but without the crazy tendril action. She says “I’ll do a variation of this”. I didn’t catch it when she said it, though- I should have said “No, just DO THIS.”

Instead, I get the stock bride hair- plastered against my head (not bad if you don’t have Tyrannosaurus head), and a bun in back that looks like egrets are nesting in it. Flat against my head, to the side, a pinned up but formless bun in back.

My uncle, never one to mince words, said “You look like Hitler”.

Then the makeup. So I am pretty pale and pinkishy. I asked if we could use some pink. “No.”

I asked if we could go light on the make up and use really red lips.
“No.”

So then I just told her to do what she thinks would look best, but that I rarely wear makeup, my FH doesn’t like makeup, and I don’t want any sort of fake tan.

Then she starts airbrushing. I think maybe it was the light in there- I didn’t realize what was happening until it was over and I went into the bathroom to check it out in harsher light-

I looked like J Lo’s bloated older sister/aunt. Now, I have NO hint of darkness in my skin. I am pale and pink. Sort of like Babe. How this lady thought it would look good to paint my face the color of Halle Berry I don’t know. So I said to her “I think it’s a little dark, don’t you?”

She smiles like it was a good thing, and says, in that inimitable Long Island way, “I snuck in some Bronza!” (translation, Bronzer.) I’m telling you, I could have carved my initials in my face, that’s how heavy this looked.

I thanked her, paid her for painting my face and making me look like a Latina Hitler drag queen, and left.

I seriously could have just thrown my money out the window. I just made a new appointment with Jacqueline Nicole, who has gotten raves here, so wish me luck. I mean, how many of these trials do I have to do?? I’m starting to think about doing my own makeup! I originally wanted it like Michelle Williams at that Oscars (also hopefully below), but I’m starting to think that’s not going to happen.

And just a note- I’m sure this lady has done some great work- there were two other brides there who looked wonderful, and that’s primarily why I’m not using her name here (also, I don’t want to mess with someone’s business- maybe she was having a bad day). She was very friendly, etc, but just didn’t listen to what I was asking for. Anyway, if anyone has some make-up/hair suggestions, please help.

Already booked for my day:

M I aaa
Denise Venti
Stacy Pitt
Oksana and Jenn have people minimums, I believe, and it’s just me getting hair and makeup done.

I have a trial with Jacqueline Nicole and Roseanna Amador coming up, so I’m very hopeful this will all end with a minimum of bloodshed and overeating. Not so likely on the latter.