So, my FH and I had a major argument this past weekend about where we are going to hold our ceremony. He was raised Catholic and his mother said it's important to her that he gets married in a church. I was not born with any religion at all (my dad is an atheist and my mother is more spiritual than anything). I would much rather have the ceremony at the reception hall because i'd feel uncomfortable getting married in a church when I wasn't raised a Catholic. My FH's mother suggested that we simply do the ceremony in ac hurch without a mass but somehow, I still feel that i'm getting the short end of the stick. Any of you ladies been in a similar situation? I'm trying to figure out how to compromise with my FH and his mother without compromising my beliefs...any suggestions? Thanks : )
MikesBride2B
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
Forget about FMIL. You and FH have to decide what is best for the two of you. You can't very well be uncomfortable at your own wedding ceremony, it wouldn't be fair. My FH was raised Presbyterian and I was raised Jewish. Obviously there were a lot of parental opinions flying around as to how our ceremony should go...we didn't listen to anyone but each other. Both of us will be comfortable at our wedding and screw everyone else...its something we will only do once, why not do it our way?
I hope this helps!
ellie424
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
Posted by MikesBride2B
Forget about FMIL. You and FH have to decide what is best for the two of you. You can't very well be uncomfortable at your own wedding ceremony, it wouldn't be fair. My FH was raised Presbyterian and I was raised Jewish. Obviously there were a lot of parental opinions flying around as to how our ceremony should go...we didn't listen to anyone but each other. Both of us will be comfortable at our wedding and screw everyone else...its something we will only do once, why not do it our way?
I hope this helps!
ITA with this. A lot of people seem to have an opinion when it comes to weddings...but you need to do what you and FH want. You two are the ones getting married and your wedding should be exactly how the two of you want it and what you feel most comfortable with!
wiggleit28
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
Thanks for the feedback and I have been thinking about just saying forget what everyone else says--it is my wedding right?! I guess one of the major difficulties is that my FH is very close with his mother (his dad passed away) and he's worried about hurting/disappoining her. I love his mother very much--she's so good to me and I don't want to hurt her either or breed any kind of resentment.
It's definitely a tough call and I guess i'll have to give it a lot more thought.
Danielle41209
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
IA with everyone as well. It's your wedding as well as FHs and you both should be happy. If having a church wedding is important for FMIL why not compromise like this: Mention to her that you and FH want to have a ceremony at the reception hall to be respectful to both families and their respective religious views. the compromise could be that you have a 1 year anniversary celebration with only close family and friends at a church (basically a vow renewal ceremony). Your FMIL might like that option because you can leave the planning for that up to her but you and FH will have the original wedding ceremony that YOU want...
HTH Good luck!
MikesBride2B
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
Posted by wiggleit28
Thanks for the feedback and I have been thinking about just saying forget what everyone else says--it is my wedding right?! I guess one of the major difficulties is that my FH is very close with his mother (his dad passed away) and he's worried about hurting/disappoining her. I love his mother very much--she's so good to me and I don't want to hurt her either or breed any kind of resentment.
It's definitely a tough call and I guess i'll have to give it a lot more thought.
I've noticed that some parents have a hard time realizing that they don't get to make the decisions for their children's lives anymore once they are engaged/married. My FMIL is the same way...she resents the idea that FH and I will make our own choices for our own life. I know you don't want to hurt her, but its better to make it clear now that you will be the decision makers so that you don't have problems down the road.
Panamasweet
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
It comes down to what you guys want. If you dont follow your hearts you are going to always have regrets. Also something to think about....some churches and priests in the catholic religion will not marry you unless you convert. My FH is catholic and I am not and the only way his family church would marry us is if i went to classes and got baptized in their faith which I was not willing to do. I also know about 4 other couples in other parishes that went through this. So this might be your way out
jenn_eric
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
I had the same problem - he's Catholic and I'm...well...not. There was a rather long 'battle' with the FMIL in which the FSIL and FH got involved and flat out said 'it's not your wedding.' After many months of aggravation she has backed off (although is still sulking over it). So really, if you are not comfortable then just say so and explain why.
Feel free to FM me and I'll share the full story and the rationale that finally seems to have worked.
JLWSJC
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
In my case, I've known FH's religion was very important to him since we started dating, he's very involved at his church. I was raised CAtholic, but I have a hard tim with their tenets and don't really like to follow the religion. I hadn't been to church since I was 17 when we met. Ho we were going to balance religious beliefs in our lives as a married couple is something we really had to sit down and hash out and we were very careful to do that independent of what anyone's parents thought. We also did it WAAAAAY before we got engaged because we knew it was going to be an issue.
It's about you and what's important to both of you like everyone else already said. But if religion is very important to him and it's part of how he lives his life, as his future wife you have to consider that. IF it's important to his mom, well... that's a whole different issue you need to hash out with FH. If it's important to HIM because it's important to his mom, it may still be something you have to consider.
This issue is going to recur for the rest of your life, so this is gonna take a few serious conversations. Be open minded and remember you both need to compromise for one another, neither of you should feel like you're getting lost, but sometimes one person has to get their way and the other has to come to terms with it. Good luck.
dbs244
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
jenn!! so are you having your wedding ceremony at your reception hall? did you book the swan club?
jenn_eric
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
Posted by dbs244
jenn!! so are you having your wedding ceremony at your reception hall? did you book the swan club?
Hi Diana!!!!!!!! We actually booked at Chateau Briand, with no luck on ceremony site - the church battle is not 100% over yet, we have moved past the Catholic debate but haven't made much other progress.
meg922
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
I may be mistaken, but I believe a Catholic priest can officiate over a wedding outside the Church when one party is not Catholic. If that is the case, could you both live with having a Catholic priest participate in officiating the ceremony at the location of your choosing?
HSsweethearts
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
I think you should really think about this. Does FH go to church? Will he expect you to go to church with him? Do you ever go?
If he's religious and it's important to him (he may be using his mom as a cover so he doesn't have to tell you that HE really wants it) I would consider it. It's a once in a lifetime day for him too. You might not feel as uncomfortable as you think. I'd consider having a meeting with his priest and expressing your concerns. there may be a way to make you both more comfortable.
I may be biased about this (my FH is Jewish and we are actually getting married at my church), but I feel like if one spouse is really religious, they may be losing out more by not having the religious stuff, than the non-religious spouse would be by hvaing it.
I think you should also have a conversation with FH and the officiant(s) about how you could make the RH ceremony seem more religious. What elements are important to him about the church ceremony and how can you replicate them?
I would also really be hesitant to say 'forget what his mom says' I don't think you need to follow it, but you should take it into account before making final decisions. If it were about the RH or the dress or the band I would say forget it, but religion is really an important issue for many people, and I think since parents raised their children and a religious upbringing is a HUGE part of that for some people, it should be respected.
Maybe you can bring your FMIL to your officiant meeting. Ask her what is most important to her about having it in a church. She may believe it's not a sacramental marriage if it's not in a church, she may not understand.
I'm having a hard time convinving my mom that not having a mass will be Ok. In fact, our priest recommended not having a mass at the wedding ceremony, but said we could do another private mass either in the church or at home. This might be enough to satisfy FMIL. Maybe you can invite more of the Catholic side to the RD and have a mass right before or after the rehearsal and that way FH's family can celebrate that blessing on your marriage.
There are a lot of compromises that can be made. I'd just advise you to not dig your heels in on this particular issue. there is certainly room to make everyone feel comfortable if not completely satisfied.
Tracey1979
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
The church might not even let you get married there, if you are not Catholic, so it might not even be an option
FutureMrsLMS
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
Posted by Tracey1979
The church might not even let you get married there, if you are not Catholic, so it might not even be an option
I totally agree - you might want to check first with the Dioceses or your area churches if that is the case. If you aren't able to, then you have to tell FH's family that a Chuch Wedding simply isn't in the cards.
Good luck!
PS FWIW, even if I weren't Catholic, I would still want a church wedding - they are so pretty!
HSsweethearts
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
Posted by Tracey1979
The church might not even let you get married there, if you are not Catholic, so it might not even be an option
There are always churches who d their own thing, but as a rule you can absolutely get married in church if one person is not Catholic. In fact that's preferred by the church. You actually need dispensation to get married outside of church even if one partner is not Catholic
wiggleit28
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
You all have been so helpful. I do think that compromise will have to be key...and one of you made a really good point when you pointed out how much my FH might be missing out if we don't have a church wedding. I can't ignore the fact that religion is important to his family and certainly don't want to do that. I will let you all know how it turns out. Thanks again!
ebloom313
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
Anybody can get married in the Catholic Church, so long as one of the people (bride/groom) is Catholic, and the couple has gone through pre-cana..
And as far as I've heard, Priests can marry you outside of the church, so you have that religious feel, but not all Catholic churches will recognize the union since it's didn't occur 'in the house of God.' Though I've heard some churches are being more lenient b/c not everyone wants to get married in the actual church building.. So who knows
I definitely recommend you just work it out b/w the two of you.. I'm Catholic and my family was pushing for a full mass, and he's Lutheran and his family would basically be sitting there bored while the Catholics were able to participate, take communion etc.. So b/w the two of us, we decided we'd still get married in the church, just because it's so beautiful! But we weren't going to put half of the wedding attendees to sleep while the Catholics did their thing! lol..
MrsCM
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
Your FMIL already had her wedding and her wedding preferences do not matter if you feel uncomfortable with this.
AugustBridein09
Posted:
Member since
Re: The First Major Wedding Disagreement
Posted by MrsCM
Your FMIL already had her wedding and her wedding preferences do not matter if you feel uncomfortable with this.
I agree with this as well. But if it is important to your FH (not his mom) then I would have a discussion about it. But make sure you explain to your FH as well that if it isn't really important to HIM and he'd just be doing it to make his family happy then maybe a reception hall ceremony would make the two of you happier.
