The kinds of bread I want to eat right now.

First of all, I miss you ladies. I have been mired in a misery the likes of which I haven't felt in ages- at least since my boobs were an inch higher. Man, these babies have dropped.

Anyway, I am still stuck in the 'children at the wedding' thing with the family, and it has blown so far out of proportion, that we are all barely speaking to each other. I truly can't believe it has deteriorated into this. It has gotten me so upset, that all of the joy has been $ucked out of the process, I barely post, I don't even want to think about it anymore, and I'm just pretty much waiting for it to be over with so we can all move on. I just think it's the saddest thing, and I really don't think any of us will ever be the same.

I know it all sounds so dramatic, but there are so many other parts of the story, and it has all just culminated into a mass of a$$holery the likes of which I haven't seen since Christian Bale went off on his director of Photography the other day.

By the way, anyone else think this guy is King of the Tools? Get over it, you jackass. You're an ACTOR. You're not curing cancer, for God's sake.

By the way again, speaking of tools, anyone see Tool Academy on VH1? I can't believe these shows at this point. I also can't believe that if FH leaves the room, I quick turn it on, and when he comes back, I quick turn it back to whatever we were watching.

I am actually at a point where I'm embarrassed about my TV viewing habits. And I watch Big Brother, so that's saying a lot.

Okay. ANYway. Compound all of this BS with the fact that the Atkins seems to have stopped working (perhaps because I'm doing my own version of Atkins - the Highest Fat Content Possible diet which consists only of:

1. Breakfast - cheesy eggs and sausage. Sometimes I throw in a piece of bacon, because the sausage doesn't completely close my arteries. I need a bacon booster.

Mid morning snack - Russel Stover sugarless candy. Depending on my mood, one to three pieces.

Mid morning / early afternoon snack - nuts. Right now I'm doing Sunflower kernels. I was on Macadamias last week, but I'm not Trump, and those things cost more than my e-ring. What I like to do is eat a nut, then take a bite of the candy, so I fake myself into thinking that I'm eating a peanut M&M.

TIP- this does not work.

Lunch - I just ate 2 chicken legs, complete with skin. I've been eating hard boiled eggs for a few weeks now. Just one.

Mid late afternoon 2 hour constant stream of mindless eating - soppresatta, or nuts. Don't ask. Sometimes I'll wake from this 2 hour blackout with only removed soppresatta skin on my face, or maybe some cheese has somehow found its way onto my computer monitor. That's the only clue I have that anything has happened at all. Once it lasted longer than 2 hours, and I came to at my desk at work at 8 at night surrounded by eggshells and sugar free jellybeans. Also, my I couldn't find my pants. I found them later in the shredder. It was an embarrassing bus ride home.

Dinner - Buffalo wings, skin totally present and crisped. The ONLY bow to health I make here is that I bake them, instead of frying them. However, I have figured out that if I pour oil in the bottom of the baking pan, and dip the wing in excess oil when I turn them over, you can barely tell the difference.

That's basically frying them, you say? Haven't I told you I'm having a few bad days here? Leave me alone. At least I'm not making a beeline for Roy Rogers. I can rationalize that in ONE minute, if I let myself.

And then more candy.

Why isn't it workinggggg??????? Is it because I'm eating about 627 fat grams in a day? Is it because I destroyed my metabolism in an ill-advised fat-person anorexia a few weeks back? I just stopped eating, and now that my appetite has reared its unwelcome head again, like Putin over Russia, I am screwed with a Karen Carpenter-esque metabolism. It just never stops.

Okay, enough. The original point of this post was to simply discuss the type of bread I am planning on doing myself in with. I feel that it's coming, and I'm not just going to do a momentary cheat. My misery is leading me into a bread frenzy the likes of which have only been seen in places like the amazon, when pirahna eat cows. Only I'm the pirahna and the bread is the cows. Thank you for initially thinking I was the cows. Your fat jokes are really not appreciated!

Ever see that kind of feeding frenzy? That's what I'm anticipating. And as I sit here and contemplate my method of carb suicide, my mind leaps through flights of carby fancy, and I decide on:

Red Lobster Cheesy Biscuits.

Okay. I KNOW some of you are all, 'Red Lobster?!?!' I know. HowEVER, if you have had this biscuit, please stand up and be counted. It is sublime, and defies classification. I would think someone would get a biscuit of this caliber at an Alain Ducasse, or someplace like that. This is the glory of all biscuits (my apologies, old standby Pillsbury Grands! You were my friend. I have grown past you, and am now in love with another. I weep tears of butter).

If they can infuse cheese with biscuits, what wonders await us? Sausage vitamins? A cure for cancer? Christian Bale is upstaged. Pretentious tool.

In all honesty, I am almost- ALMOST- equally anticipating an everything bagel with bacon. Or four. I know I am going to Long Island this weekend (special trip just for the GTG on Sunday!!! Yayayayayayay!!!), and the land of the decent bagel beckons. I just don't know what to do here.

In the interim, I am just DYING for a pizza, and only need one more thing to push me over the edge. If I so much as chip a nail tonight, I'm going straight to Dunkin Donuts, cutting those donuts in half, and making pizza donuts.

Wow. Pizza donuts? Could that possibly be the awesomest thing ever?? Better than curing cancer, even?

Christian Bale, you can bite me.