the last FUNNIES of 2010
enjoy them girls:
--
If a girl you know invites you to a CFNM party, check what the acronym means before accepting. #LFMF
--
When someone at work gives you a piece of paper with their phone number, always hang onto it for awhile even if you don't plan on calling. They may return a few minutes later and ask to double-check the number, and there's no good way to explain why it's now in the trash. #LFMF
--
Just because your boss left about 15 minutes ago do not assume that he is gone for a day and do not settle for a comfortable nap. He will forget something important on his desk and will return. #LFMF
--
--
Today, I finally went running to help me start losing weight. I got 50 metres before someone in a passing car shouted out 'Run fatty, run'. I can't work up the courage to go for a run again. FML
--
Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the very first time in three years. Apparently, all it took was anal. FML
--
Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I ******. FML
--
Today, I was fooling around with my boyfriend. I took off his underwear and noticed something on his penis. He told me he drew a mouse face on it and then made squeaking noises, twitching it. He's 24. FML
--
Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, 'Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1...' and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML
--
Today, my brother asked if he could borrow my razor, since he recently hit puberty and wanted to have a shave. I decided to be nice and let him. When he returned it half an hour later, I couldn't help but notice his facial hair was untouched. FML
--
Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years tell his friend he was going to 'pop the question'. Ecstatic, I wore my nicest dress and got my hair done for dinner. Near the end, he leant in romantically and asked if we could start doing anal. So much for marriage. FML
--
Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML
--
(970):
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the **** out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. **** married life i want out
--
(304):
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to 'settle down' as you tried to clean it up
--
(203):
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
--
(443):
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
--
(240):
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some ****.
--
(845):
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
--
(214):
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
--
(254):
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
--
(919):
I've created a drink called, 'watching the sound of music with grandma.' its straight vodka
--
(206):
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
--
(920):
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
--
(281):
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. **** runs in the family
--
(646):
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
--
(501):
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
--
(906):
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
--
(765):
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
--
(207):
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
--
(925):
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
--
(713):
This dude is being a total ******
(832):
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
--
(605):
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
--
(646):
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
--
(847):
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
--
(914):
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
--
(720):
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said 'im going to get you fed'. if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
--
(207):
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
--
(330):
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
--
(651):
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
--
(970):
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
--
(860):
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
--
(816):
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
--
(973):
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout '**** this'....successful drunk Christmas shopping
--
(817):
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
--
(314):
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
--
(734):
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
--
i think i'll add more... i have an hour and a half...
enjoy.
--
If a girl you know invites you to a CFNM party, check what the acronym means before accepting. #LFMF
--
When someone at work gives you a piece of paper with their phone number, always hang onto it for awhile even if you don't plan on calling. They may return a few minutes later and ask to double-check the number, and there's no good way to explain why it's now in the trash. #LFMF
--
Just because your boss left about 15 minutes ago do not assume that he is gone for a day and do not settle for a comfortable nap. He will forget something important on his desk and will return. #LFMF
--
--
Today, I finally went running to help me start losing weight. I got 50 metres before someone in a passing car shouted out 'Run fatty, run'. I can't work up the courage to go for a run again. FML
--
Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the very first time in three years. Apparently, all it took was anal. FML
--
Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I ******. FML
--
Today, I was fooling around with my boyfriend. I took off his underwear and noticed something on his penis. He told me he drew a mouse face on it and then made squeaking noises, twitching it. He's 24. FML
--
Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, 'Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1...' and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML
--
Today, my brother asked if he could borrow my razor, since he recently hit puberty and wanted to have a shave. I decided to be nice and let him. When he returned it half an hour later, I couldn't help but notice his facial hair was untouched. FML
--
Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years tell his friend he was going to 'pop the question'. Ecstatic, I wore my nicest dress and got my hair done for dinner. Near the end, he leant in romantically and asked if we could start doing anal. So much for marriage. FML
--
Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML
--
(970):
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the **** out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. **** married life i want out
--
(304):
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to 'settle down' as you tried to clean it up
--
(203):
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
--
(443):
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
--
(240):
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some ****.
--
(845):
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
--
(214):
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
--
(254):
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
--
(919):
I've created a drink called, 'watching the sound of music with grandma.' its straight vodka
--
(206):
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
--
(920):
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
--
(281):
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. **** runs in the family
--
(646):
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
--
(501):
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
--
(906):
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
--
(765):
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
--
(207):
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
--
(925):
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
--
(713):
This dude is being a total ******
(832):
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
--
(605):
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
--
(646):
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
--
(847):
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
--
(914):
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
--
(720):
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said 'im going to get you fed'. if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
--
(207):
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
--
(330):
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
--
(651):
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
--
(970):
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
--
(860):
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
--
(816):
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
--
(973):
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout '**** this'....successful drunk Christmas shopping
--
(817):
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
--
(314):
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
--
(734):
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
--
i think i'll add more... i have an hour and a half...
enjoy.
