Ok girls, thank you all for your kind words, you gave me confidence that I didnt have. I took everyone's wonderful advice and said something to my FH...
(Original post is here, long though: http://www.liweddings.com/chat/topic.aspx?ID=457896&P=1 )
I mentioned to him that I wanted to talk, so he says wait, my mom called and told me we have to pay for the food for our engagement party...this really upset me, FMIL said she would throw our engagement party for us and would cover all expenses...so first she asks me to leave the deposit for the hall...fine...then asks me to do all the favors...fine...then she asks me to make 100 cupcakes as part of dessert...fine...now she wants us to pay for the food???!!! What happened to her throwing the party?? If i am correct isnt food and favors the most expensive things at a party?? SO, I said to FH that i felt it isnt fair of her to do it, and if we are having to pay for it that I would like to have it catered by someone other than what his mother chose when she was 'paying' for it. he FLIPPED OUT on me...'how could I say that, we need to do her the favor and pay for it and we need to go where she picked, the food is great' the food there STINKS...for the love of god the pasta was overcooked and had ragu sauce on it!!!!!! you cant serve my family overcooked pasta and ragu, dont tell italians that it is edible like that!!!!!! The tasting we had was horrible and I dislike the food....but he went nuts on me for even suggesting it!!!
what am I supposed to do...i tried to calmly talk to him about it and let him know how i have been feeling and then he freaks on my bc i dont want to pay for food I dislike...i couldnt even get out how i was feeling bc by this point he was irrational...he sides with his mother 100% and wont even let me say what is going on in my head about stuff...he keeps saying that I am getting him in the middle of it but he is my FH...shouldnt he want to work out everything?? I dont understand it, I am greatly disliking his mother and he doesnt seem to want to acknowledge it...the more he acts this way the more I question why I am agreeing to spend the rest of my life with him... any advice for this...im lost girls...
PegaLega
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Re: the situation isnt getting better...**long**
THis is a big issue. I hate when a couple has issues due to In laws, he needs to realize that he IS in the middle of it as its HIS mother and she has told you guys she would do these things for you. There is supposed to be a line, its an invisible one of course-but it divides you and his mom and him and his mom. He needs to talk to you...whether he wants to talk about his mom or not its a factor in you being unhappy. If you are unhappy with his behavior then you say it right? Then why wouldnt you tell him about his mothers behavior?
I think that you really need to talk to him and figure this out and get it out on the table. If its like this now how will it be when you are married? Things dont change just because you are married, I hate to say that to you but if he isnt wiling to try and make you happy by at least listening to you then maybe you should rething getting married~Im sorry to say it but I know DH talks to his mom when I am unhappy with her actions, and he NEVER EVER has told me not to put him in the middle.
FutureMrsLehmann
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Re: the situation isnt getting better...**long**
I'm sorry you're so upset! If you're having trouble speaking to him about it you can try writing him a letter, that way you can get everything out that you want to say without him interrupting. Maybe then he'll finally see how much this situation is stressing you out.
bluegreen08
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Re: the situation isnt getting better...**long**
sending FM
Cpt2007
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Re: the situation isnt getting better...**long**
Posted by PegaLega
THis is a big issue. I hate when a couple has issues due to In laws, he needs to realize that he IS in the middle of it as its HIS mother and she has told you guys she would do these things for you. There is supposed to be a line, its an invisible one of course-but it divides you and his mom and him and his mom. He needs to talk to you...whether he wants to talk about his mom or not its a factor in you being unhappy. If you are unhappy with his behavior then you say it right? Then why wouldnt you tell him about his mothers behavior?
I think that you really need to talk to him and figure this out and get it out on the table. If its like this now how will it be when you are married? Things dont change just because you are married, I hate to say that to you but if he isnt wiling to try and make you happy by at least listening to you then maybe you should rething getting married~Im sorry to say it but I know DH talks to his mom when I am unhappy with her actions, and he NEVER EVER has told me not to put him in the middle.
I agree with Peg. You have to speak up to him and put it all out there. Perhaps if you try writing out what you a feeling and then read it to him? That way your thoughts are all on paper and organized and any curveballs or barbs he shoots won't get you off track. GL!
melissankurt07
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Re: the situation isnt getting better...**long**
I definitely agree with the other posts. Things will not change when you are married. He is in the middle because it is his Mom. If he truly loves you then he should at least listen to you about how you are feeling. My DH has told me that I will always come before his Mom because I am the love of his life and the one that he is spending the rest of his life with. I truly believe that if your FH is truly in love with you he will sit down and listen to you and if he won't then I would say that it is time to cut your loses and move on. I don't want to sound like a horrible person but In-Laws are always a part of your marriage. Why get married with the problems you are having?? I am so sorry you are going through this. I would defintely try sitting him down again and talking to him or writing him a letter to let you know how you are feeling. You should be able to communicate with him about your feelings and if you can't then to me that is another reason of why you should not get married to this Man. Good Luck and keep us posted.
morenita
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Re: the situation isnt getting better...**long**
I am very sorry that you are going through this.
You really have to think is this the type of marriage you want. If this is happening while you are engaged, it will definately get worse when you have kids.
Your fiance has to take a stand and say to his mother, 'This is what WE want....' and leave it at that.
When you are married you and him are one, not him and his mother.
krisa1129
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Re: the situation isnt getting better...**long**
Posted by morenita
I am very sorry that you are going through this.
You really have to think is this the type of marriage you want. If this is happening while you are engaged, it will definately get worse when you have kids.
Your fiance has to take a stand and say to his mother, 'This is what WE want....' and leave it at that.
When you are married you and him are one, not him and his mother.
Well said...and I agree! You need to tell him this is how you are feeling.
SherinJeff
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Re: the situation isnt getting better...**long**
Posted by morenita
I am very sorry that you are going through this.
You really have to think is this the type of marriage you want. If this is happening while you are engaged, it will definately get worse when you have kids.
Your fiance has to take a stand and say to his mother, 'This is what WE want....' and leave it at that.
When you are married you and him are one, not him and his mother.
Soooo hard. But I agree . I have lived this life and hated most of it ...for 20 years in fact. My MIL and 2 SIL's hated me from the day they met me. Then they faked it. But it was always so uncomfortable... and I walked on egg shells for those 20 years. My ex now.. stood up to her tho when we were dating... I was just shy of 17. She told him to pick.. he picked me, and she kicked him out. But ..you know what... it wasnt long before she was begging him back and said she would be nice. Its her SON, and she then knew.. she better learn to shut the heck up about me. Again... it was tough road tho. I could do no right. And any problems were ALWAYS my fault. When we finally seperated last year all things came to a head and we exploded on each other.. after 2o years of pent up anger.. NOT PRETTY. I told her that her son and I were still friends but the fact that she is no longer running my life is ICING ON THE CAKE. I bit my tongue no longer !!
I wish you all the best. Being in the middle of this is the worst feeling in the world and I was always so envious of the other girls that had MIL's that were nice to them. I hope.. somewhere , somehow... something changes for you two.
MrsG2007
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Re: the situation isnt getting better...**long**
I feel for you....and can understand what your going through....I wish you all the courage and strength to get through this time....I wish I could give you advice.....but what I have to say wouldn't be nice....Always remember that you have a right to be happy....and you come first.....remember this when you make your decision....Good Luck....
kafunder
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Re: the situation isnt getting better...**long**
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with previous posters, that you should seriously think if you can and want to life a life like this. FI has to realize that he now has to stick up for you, and that you are his first priority. Also, it sounds like you and FI need some serious pre-marital counseling. He needs to learn how to listen (not just how to hear, but how to listen). If he won't go, I suggest that you go on your own to discuss these issues and try ot decide if this is worth sticking out. I know some people hate the idea of counseling, but FI and I have started some sessions (mandatory requirement of our church) and we already learned there were some times when FI was hearing what I was saying but not really listening. A good counselor can point this out and teach you both ways to overcome it and how to deal with his anger in a noncombative, neutral environment. I think you desperately need this before moving forward with the wedding.
