This Certainly Blows '09.
Let's start with, yesterday was one of the most unsightly displays of gluttony that has ever been seen in the human experience. I almost expected the Discovery Channel to come through my door to film the event. They would call it 'Blood on the Walls- The Descent into Diet.'
The day started off with, as some of you may recall from my post, FH being sent to the supermarket for the staples: Bacon, Bagels, Cream Cheese, Orange Juice. When he got home, he just opened the door a little, threw in the food, and beat a hasty retreat out the door. I proceeded to cook a pound of bacon, and toasted my bagels one by one. I used an industrial trowel to apply the cream cheese, and then layered on the bacon. I think FH, when he finally deemed it safe to return, ate two pieces of bacon. At the end of the feeding frenzy, there was one piece of bacon left, which FH threw away. I immediately beat him about the head and face for having the gall to throw away a piece of bacon without asking me. He went and cried in the corner for a few hours. Every now and again, I'd poke him with a stick and yell at him for so carelessly tossing bacon away.
I don't think he'll do it again.
For good measure, I drank a carton of Orange Juice. 800 calories of pure health. Because I think Orange Juice is the best drink EVER, followed very closely by Grape Juice. I have a very mature palate. But there's Vitamin C in it, so it can't be all bad.
Then I went out to the supermarket to stock up on Atkins foods for D Day. I think I was there for 3 hours. I came home with a bunch of bags of spinach, turkey sausage, almonds, and cheese. I can't believe I'm going down this road again. I know, it sounds crazy, but I've done Atkins before, and the speed with which the weight comes off is amazing. I hope it works again.
I stopped at the 'hot food buffet' they have at our supermarket. I also stopped at the magical donut case. I got two pieces of fried chicken and two donuts.
I sat in my car and ate the fried chicken, a trail of grease and tears making it's way down my face. I love you, fried chicken. Why is there that one place on a thigh that you can bite into, where there is just skin and meat?? Why don't they pass out fried chicken at church, instead of Eucharist Wafers? I'd have a much easier time believing that the body of Christ resides in fried chicken, instead of gross wafers. I simply can't believe that He wouldn't prefer that.
I wept and wiped my face.
Through my tears, I ate a bite of one donut, and then the other. Then I threw both away, as I had gotten angry at the donuts for participating in the unchecked growth of my a$$. It is not right that sugared fried bread is bad for you. How does that make sense?
Then I started to question the existence of a higher power at all. How could He do this to me? If He is All Powerful, then isn't HE to blame for the constant snacking?
Funny, I'm not religious at all, except when I need someone to blame. God is a convenient second to my mom.
Then I had to go home and clean out my fridge.
So home I went, with my bags of salad and low-fat meatery. I threw out all kinds of miraculousness from my fridge and pantry. I am now left with a hole in my soul, and eggs are not filling it.
Then I had my leftovers from New Years- a crab cake and some calamari. Then FH made himself a grilled cheese sandwich. I yelled at him for having the audacity to make himself one, and not me. He said 'But you just had a crabcake. I didn't think you wanted one.'
When he regained the ability to walk, he made me a grilled cheese sandwich and went back to crying in the corner. I left him there to wallow in his stupidity. Then I ate some bite sized Snickers. Probably 5.
Finally, FH went to bed. I stayed up, because, in all honesty, I wanted a peanut butter sandwich before the day was over, but it was not to be. I was immobilized by my sloth, and unable to hoist myself off the couch. Instead, I lie there, staring off into space, and shaking with the realization that the next day, and the day after that...
there would be no bread.
And then, my friends, I let out a wail, shook, and cried myself softly to sleep.
To be honest, thus far today, I have told myself about 14 times that it's just STUPID to start a diet on a Friday. I'd surely be well within my rights to wait until Monday! It's usually against the NIMROD rules to start a diet on Friday, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
THE DEAL SO FAR:
I have been good, Atkins wise. Two hard boiled eggs and a piece of turkey sausage for breakfast.
Okay, I lied already. I also had a piece of pork sausage for breakfast.
I know I have to get off the sausage due to salt content, but this is my first day, so lay off, okay? I'm baby steppin it. Under 20 carbs today. If I have to eat some higher fat/sodium foods today (usually allowed under Atkins, but I'm going to low fat it this time) to get myself over the hump, then I'm going to allow it.
I just went out to grab myself lunch from the buffet place across the street. I just got myself a salad for lunch, and a piece of Tilapia.
I lied again. I also got a small side of sausage and peppers.
I have a sausage issue.
BUT THIS IS THE BEST PART, AND I SWEAR IT'S TRUE.
As I'm crossing the street to get back to work, I am cut off by a truck. The truck is some diet food delivery truck, and as I stand in the middle of the street, watching it drive away, it says on the back:
'It's time to lose the weight.'
Indeed it is.
I hope you're all doing GREAT today. How is it going in YOUR world???
The day started off with, as some of you may recall from my post, FH being sent to the supermarket for the staples: Bacon, Bagels, Cream Cheese, Orange Juice. When he got home, he just opened the door a little, threw in the food, and beat a hasty retreat out the door. I proceeded to cook a pound of bacon, and toasted my bagels one by one. I used an industrial trowel to apply the cream cheese, and then layered on the bacon. I think FH, when he finally deemed it safe to return, ate two pieces of bacon. At the end of the feeding frenzy, there was one piece of bacon left, which FH threw away. I immediately beat him about the head and face for having the gall to throw away a piece of bacon without asking me. He went and cried in the corner for a few hours. Every now and again, I'd poke him with a stick and yell at him for so carelessly tossing bacon away.
I don't think he'll do it again.
For good measure, I drank a carton of Orange Juice. 800 calories of pure health. Because I think Orange Juice is the best drink EVER, followed very closely by Grape Juice. I have a very mature palate. But there's Vitamin C in it, so it can't be all bad.
Then I went out to the supermarket to stock up on Atkins foods for D Day. I think I was there for 3 hours. I came home with a bunch of bags of spinach, turkey sausage, almonds, and cheese. I can't believe I'm going down this road again. I know, it sounds crazy, but I've done Atkins before, and the speed with which the weight comes off is amazing. I hope it works again.
I stopped at the 'hot food buffet' they have at our supermarket. I also stopped at the magical donut case. I got two pieces of fried chicken and two donuts.
I sat in my car and ate the fried chicken, a trail of grease and tears making it's way down my face. I love you, fried chicken. Why is there that one place on a thigh that you can bite into, where there is just skin and meat?? Why don't they pass out fried chicken at church, instead of Eucharist Wafers? I'd have a much easier time believing that the body of Christ resides in fried chicken, instead of gross wafers. I simply can't believe that He wouldn't prefer that.
I wept and wiped my face.
Through my tears, I ate a bite of one donut, and then the other. Then I threw both away, as I had gotten angry at the donuts for participating in the unchecked growth of my a$$. It is not right that sugared fried bread is bad for you. How does that make sense?
Then I started to question the existence of a higher power at all. How could He do this to me? If He is All Powerful, then isn't HE to blame for the constant snacking?
Funny, I'm not religious at all, except when I need someone to blame. God is a convenient second to my mom.
Then I had to go home and clean out my fridge.
So home I went, with my bags of salad and low-fat meatery. I threw out all kinds of miraculousness from my fridge and pantry. I am now left with a hole in my soul, and eggs are not filling it.
Then I had my leftovers from New Years- a crab cake and some calamari. Then FH made himself a grilled cheese sandwich. I yelled at him for having the audacity to make himself one, and not me. He said 'But you just had a crabcake. I didn't think you wanted one.'
When he regained the ability to walk, he made me a grilled cheese sandwich and went back to crying in the corner. I left him there to wallow in his stupidity. Then I ate some bite sized Snickers. Probably 5.
Finally, FH went to bed. I stayed up, because, in all honesty, I wanted a peanut butter sandwich before the day was over, but it was not to be. I was immobilized by my sloth, and unable to hoist myself off the couch. Instead, I lie there, staring off into space, and shaking with the realization that the next day, and the day after that...
there would be no bread.
And then, my friends, I let out a wail, shook, and cried myself softly to sleep.
To be honest, thus far today, I have told myself about 14 times that it's just STUPID to start a diet on a Friday. I'd surely be well within my rights to wait until Monday! It's usually against the NIMROD rules to start a diet on Friday, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
THE DEAL SO FAR:
I have been good, Atkins wise. Two hard boiled eggs and a piece of turkey sausage for breakfast.
Okay, I lied already. I also had a piece of pork sausage for breakfast.
I know I have to get off the sausage due to salt content, but this is my first day, so lay off, okay? I'm baby steppin it. Under 20 carbs today. If I have to eat some higher fat/sodium foods today (usually allowed under Atkins, but I'm going to low fat it this time) to get myself over the hump, then I'm going to allow it.
I just went out to grab myself lunch from the buffet place across the street. I just got myself a salad for lunch, and a piece of Tilapia.
I lied again. I also got a small side of sausage and peppers.
I have a sausage issue.
BUT THIS IS THE BEST PART, AND I SWEAR IT'S TRUE.
As I'm crossing the street to get back to work, I am cut off by a truck. The truck is some diet food delivery truck, and as I stand in the middle of the street, watching it drive away, it says on the back:
'It's time to lose the weight.'
Indeed it is.
I hope you're all doing GREAT today. How is it going in YOUR world???
