Trouble with BM

I wasn't supposed to know but I managed to find out that one of my BM refused to help pay for my shower when my MOH asked. The BM said that it is tradition for the MOB to pay for it, she was not expecting to have to lay out money for this and she has no money to give. I am so surprised. SHe has always been a good friend and I would not have expected this from her. Now I hear that my MOH is really upset and doesn't know what to do. Bear in mind that i have 7 BM's so the cost of the shower per BM is not outrageous. Plus she has a good job and lives at home with her parents. I just don't get it. I know being a BM is a big financial commitment but then she should have said no when I asked her. Am I wrong?

I am sorry this is so long but it really hurts my feelings. Now I feel like I am being a burden on people. I can't say anything because I am not supposed to know.

Thanks for listening to my venting!

Wow, why in the world would your MOH tell you this?? I am in the EXACT same situation (down to who the BM thinks should pay and the number of BMs) as the MOH for my best friend. The only difference is that the BM in my case just got married in August and my MOH did all of this for her . Anyway, I digress... There's nothing you can do now and I'm sorry to be the one to tell you that. To be honest, I'd be pretty peeved at my MOH for even telling me this. If it was something she felt you needed to know, it could have waited until after the wedding, more as an FYI thing.

WOW I can't believe that she did that! I'm so sorry and you're not being a burden on people! Maybe this is something that she should have brought up if it was going to be a problem. Nowadays it's usually the MOB and the girls or just the girls taking care of the shower. I feel bad for your MOH - what is she really going to say? I wonder what's going to happen at the bachelor'ette party now??

Well, I wish she had spared you that piece of information. But MOH is probably pissed with that BM and wants her to be lowered in your eyes (and of course now, she is).

I am sorry this happened to you. The only thing I can console you with is YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN YOUR EXPERIENCE. This website is replete with testmonies of brides who were shocked and saddened by the behavior of a lot of 'good friends.'

Weddings and Funerals - they let you know who is who for sure.

Thanks!!!

My MOH is not the one who told me - it was someone that my MOH told b/c she was upset about it and did not know what to do. My MOH is considering asking each of the girls for more $$ but I don't think that is fair. I told this person to tell my MOH to ask my mom to make up the difference (my MOH is my sis)- if my mom knew the situation she would definitely pitch in for the BM who is not contributing/

I guess unfortunately I am not the only person this happened to - thanks girls

If it were up to me, I would've waited until AFTER the wedding to tell you! Honestly, I bowed out of a wedding after I was asked to contribute money to the brides shower. I have been in 8 bridal parties and never had to contribute money to a bridal shower. The one time I was asked, I just couldn't come up with the money and felt awful about it. I told the bride that I just couldn't afford it (i had already purchased the BM dress!) and she graciously understood. Yes, we are still friends. Sometimes the cost of these things are way too much.

Also, I did have a good job and still lived with my parents at the time, but after being a BM 8 times in 3 years, I started to feel like I was working just to be in these parties.

Overall, the situation sucks and she should've realized what would've been expected of her before she agreed to be in the party.

I just feel bad - I know for some people it is hard to come up with the $$$ but she is one of my best friends. And I know how she loves to spend $$$ on things for herself like LV bags and trips to the Caribbean. She has never been in a wedding party before.

Although I don't know her entire money situation so I probably don't know the real story. I think I feel worst for my MOH because this is my friend and now she has to deal with this.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that. Its always hard when you don't know the other person's side and reasons for why she's not contributing, especially hearing it through so many people. I hope you don't feel as though you are a burden, i think some BM just feel so honored to be asked that they agree and then realize whats actually involved in helping to plan a wedding. I'm sorry your BM assumed that your family/MOH had the money to pay everyone's way for the shower, its so unfortunate and unfortunately with so many weddings, you hear people really finding out things about their friends they never knew....weddings'll do that to you. They talk about bridezilla but they need to come up with other terms for other members as well

YIKES!! but I can't say i'm surprised.

When I was MOH for my friend's wedding, i asked the girls for $, and when they said that the MOH and mother were supposed to pay for it, I tried to be diplomatic and say that her mom and I couldn't swing the whole thing. I believe I asked the girls for about $100 each, so nothing crazy.

The girls wound up giving me $ and so did my friend's FI since it was more his family that was expecting the sit down thing, I was going to do buffet.

I know not the best way to handle it, but they did come around.

And I agree that she shouldn't have told you, I didn't tell my friend I spoke to her FI about it and I don't know if she knows even now 3 years later that he chipped in

I have been in many bridal parties. I've never been asked to contribute money towards the shower. Every friend's mother has always been the one to throw the shower (I include wedding parties I have not been a part of).

Being a BM is a HUGE expense. Dress, shoes, hair, makeup, bachelorette party, shower gift, wedding gift... When all is said and done, most have spent about $1500. How much more do we expect from our bridal parties?

In all honesty, I wouldn't have a shower if my family couldn't pay for it without having my BMs contribute. Sure, traditionally, no one related to the bride is supposed to host a shower, but we must remember these old traditions were way before dresses cost what they do & before we gave hundreds of dollars as wedding gifts.

My FI's brother got married a couple of months ago. I don't like his (now) wife at all and we've never gotten along. Apparently, I'm not the only one who feels this way because she has one friend. Since she hasn't any friends, she decided to ask FI's family to be in her bridal party. At the time, I wasn't comfortable saying no despite my disdain.

About a month after I agreed, I learned that we (bridal party) were expected to host the shower. Each of us was expected to contribute $350 towards the shower. Additionally, she chose a $250 BM dress. She expected the bridal party to have a full weekend bachelorette party for her at Foxwoods (Mohegan Sun, maybe). Long story, short, I was a guest at the wedding rather than a member of the bridal party.

Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't be angry if one of my BMs wouldn't contribute towards the cost of my shower. We make them spend so much money on things they'll never use again (I've NEVER worn a BM dress again & the majority won't). I really think that we need to re-examine our expectations. Sure, these weddings are important because they're OURS. If we want to keep reaching in to our pockets to pay for things we want at our weddings, it's fine. We can't keep sticking our hands in to our BM's pockets.

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Posted by Sweet Pea

I just feel bad - I know for some people it is hard to come up with the $$$ but she is one of my best friends. And I know how she loves to spend $$$ on things for herself like LV bags and trips to the Caribbean. She has never been in a wedding party before.

Although I don't know her entire money situation so I probably don't know the real story. I think I feel worst for my MOH because this is my friend and now she has to deal with this.

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First of all your MOH is supposed to run interference for you. You are not supposed to know of such things... you know, 'let's fix the problem without the bride knowing'

Second, I think the above post gives you your answer. It's not a question about ability to pay it's her lack of generosity. Sometimes the people who have the most ability to pay are the stingiest, cheap, you know what's.

For example, FH's aunt who is disabled and relys on a substantial financial contribution from FFIL gave us a very generous engagement gift while it took his sister (she works full time and her husband is a partner in a prestigious Boston law firm ) who has tons of money 6 months to get us a $25 gift. Go figure?

I am not upset that she can't contribute, but more that I have a feeling she just won't out of principle.

So, since my mom is not throwing the shower, I shouldn't have one???? That doesn't seem right to me. If I could I would pay for it myself but let's face it, no one is going to allow that.

I guess I am the type of person who spares no expense for people who mean a lot to me. I definitely plan to give them a very nice BM gift and to return the favor when they one day get married.

I've been in similar situations before. Where we will do a collection in the office for someones bday and they dont want to pay yet they sign the card. It pisses me off because then they get the same recognition as everyone else yet didnt contribute. I can relate to how your MOH and/or the remainder of the BP feel. What she did is unexpected and disrespectful.

She shouldn't have agreed to be a part of your day if she wasn't planning on making any contributions.

I have a BM pulling the same crap so don't worry, you're not alone!

Christina, my heart goes out to you!

It's amazing how things like this always seem to happen at the worst times! I tell you, getting married really tells you who your true friends are...

i hope everything works out the best for you guys!

One thing I learned while my shower was being planned, you are NOT to get involved. No matter how hard it is, let the girls go through this themselves. I actually ended up in tears 2 days before mine and wanted to cancel it. Not everyone's families can afford to throw the shower and unfortunately, not everyone in the BP is willing to chip in.
I hope they are all able to work it out, without you getting involved.