Trying not to crack ~ Sorry ~ A little long.....
Within a few months of being engaged, FH developed a nagging cough and allergy problem that continued for a couple of months. Eventually, it got to the point where FH would be out of breathe going up a flight of stairs to the point that he was gasping for air ready to pass out. Despite my constant nagging for him to go see a doctor, boys will be boys, and he waited until last May to even go to his regular MD. Immediately upon listening to his chest, he ordered a chest x-ray which pretty much showed what looked like pneumonia all throughout all lobes of his lungs, which the Dr. told us was impossible. He scheduled FH for a CT Scan which came back showing that FH had Metatastic Cancer and needed a biopsy ASAP. My world was CRUSHED. As some of you know, my dad died of Lung Cancer and it was like reliving my worst nightmare.
At this point, FH digs his heels in and refuses to go for the Biopsy. He pretty much tells me that if he has the Cancer then he will have to start some really serious treatment and he refuses to do anything until we go to Florida for a few weeks so we can at least enjoy some time together and after all, we may never get the chance to do it again. So what choice do I have, we book the plane tickets and take off to Florida. In the meantime, FH's dr. calls and advises us that this is completely against his orders and FH only has 40% lung capacity.....I can't even come close to telling you how heart-wrenching this whole trip was. Every time FH would turn around, my eyes would well up with tears. I literally had to lock myself up in the bathroom every half hour or so and burst out hysterical crying, it was agony.
SO, we come home, schedule the biopsy and literally hold our breathe for 2 weeks for results. THANK GOD it turned out that FH did NOT have Cancer and the radiologist was wrong. What he DOES have is Sarcoidosis ~ most of you have probably heard of it as the disease that a lot of people from 9/11 are getting. It's just all over his lungs and he has a really severe case. There is no Cure for this disease. It will either eventually get better on it's own or get worse until it takes over his lungs and he dies. Talk about a double-edged sword, 'No you dont have cancer but you have this horrible disease that leaves you out of breathe and coughing and by the way, we can't do a damn thing to help you!'. UGGGHHHH I just get so mad sometimes when I think about it.
Anyway, so fortunately, if FH takes steroids it can help him breathe easier and reduce side effects of the disease like permanent scarring to his lungs. FH starts steroid and becomes an irrate lunatic, it messes up his whole personality and puffs up his face and body where he doesn't even look like the same person anymore. It leaves him feeling sick and tired and crabby all the time but you know, I really don't care. If that's what it takes to have him here with me then we'll get through it. Great, right??
Wrong....it never ends....FH decides last Sunday that he doesn't want to take the steroids anymore and throws them away. By Wednesday he is coughing up so much phlegm and blames it on that 'he has a cold'. Finally FINALLY today, 7 DAYS LATER, I drag him to the dr. and turns out it is a side effect from coming off the steroids!!!!!!!!! Doctor puts him back ON the steroids so that we can ween him off properly and now he has to use an inhaler which he hasn't needed in months. He can't get comfortable b/c he can't get enough air from all the phlegm trapped inside his lungs so he has to lay face down off the bed with me leaning over him pounding on his back trying to help him get some of that phlegm out of his lungs. I know it sounds comical but it's not, it's just gut-wrenching and I can't stand to see him sick and hurting anymore. I love him so much with every piece of my heart and this is just KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!
Again, like I said, sorry this is so long.......this has been a horrible year for me. ON top of Louie getting sick, it was the anniv. of my dad's death, his Grandfather passed away in July and my poor Uncle passed away this past month of a Brain Tumor and left behind his wife and my 3 beautiful cousins. Life is just so unfair and I had to get this out b/c I can't break or break down and I have to be strong for FH.
I hope none of you really sat here reading this whole thing, it's so depressing. I have thought about putting my wedding off for a year, it's so hard to be motivated about it with everything that's going on. I'm just afraid....and I hate to even ever think this let alone say it....but if he gets worse, we may never get this chance again and ..........
I need a glass of wine. lol.
Sorry Girls!!!!!!!
