Ughhhhhh!!! Need advice

Just a little background as some of you may already know...I am divorced. My ex and I split up when my son was only 2 weeks old (He was cheating on me) Just last week, he married the gilr he was cheating with. They had moved to California together last year, for what was supposed to be for 3-6 months for business. Needless to say, he's been there ever since.
My son is there visiting this week and I just got off the phone with him. He tells me that Lucy (Ex's new wife) is having a baby and is due January 12th. I'm so upset by this. First of all, my son is going to have a half brother or sister that he will hardly know. Second, I know that my ex is going to put my son second and will not be coming to New York to visit nearly as much.
I am so greatful that Scotty has my DH, but the fact is that my ex IS his father. I always force my son to call his dad and do the right thing by him and now I'm thinking maybe I should just back off becasue the inevitable is that my ex is not going to be around.
I'm so upset and confused.

I have no experience with this but I can offer a hug

Stacy, I know this was a concern of yours in the past. It really sucks that his dad chose to move across country, and I'm sure having a baby will mean that he will be able to visit less. I think it WILL be hard, but you have to try and let him get what he can from the situation. He will never be lacking a dad because Jim is ALWAYS there for him. He will always have a positive male role model in his life, and hopefully that will keep him from feeling that he is separated from his biological father. I think you do the right thing by keeping the lines between Scotty and his dad open. When he gets older, he will be able to make the decision of whether or not the relationship between him and your ex is what is needs to be. And if it's not, he may choose to not continue seeking his biological dad out. But in the meantime, I would not speculate as to what MIGHT happen, but continue to do the things that you think are right. Cross those bridges as you come to them. Stay strong!

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Posted by 121502

Stacy, I know this was a concern of yours in the past. It really sucks that his dad chose to move across country, and I'm sure having a baby will mean that he will be able to visit less. I think it WILL be hard, but you have to try and let him get what he can from the situation. He will never be lacking a dad because Jim is ALWAYS there for him. He will always have a positive male role model in his life, and hopefully that will keep him from feeling that he is separated from his biological father. I think you do the right thing by keeping the lines between Scotty and his dad open. When he gets older, he will be able to make the decision of whether or not the relationship between him and your ex is what is needs to be. And if it's not, he may choose to not continue seeking his biological dad out. But in the meantime, I would not speculate as to what MIGHT happen, but continue to do the things that you think are right. Cross those bridges as you come to them. Stay strong!

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I know, you're totally right. I don't know why I am letting this bother me so much, but I am. It's just so frustrating when I try to do the right thing with my son and his father is off living his life without the parenting responsibilty. Seeing your child MAYBE 3 full weeks out of an entire year does not a father make. Sometimes I kick myself because I feel like I short changed Scotty by giving him an irresponsible father. If I knew then what I know now.....

121502 is right. and being blood related doesn't make a dad either.
My step niece has a similar situation. Her father and mother split up when she was just a baby (maybe even while my step sis was pregnant). She visits her father now and then, but she calls her step dad 'Dad', and thats what he is to her. He's been there all her life. and she tells her mom she can't wait till she's 12 and can tell the court she doesn't want to see her real dad anymore. It's sad, but its good to know that SHE knows she's loved by the man who has REALLY been her dad!!
her father has also remarried and has new kids that come first.

I am sooo in the same boat with you.

I ask my daughter to respect her father as much as he respects her. He hardly calls her... maybe every couple months or so.
He sees his child maybe once a year. And that's only because *I* go to HIM every summer so she CAN see him.

Given the situation - I don't 'make' her call him or anything. I remind her about Father's day and other holidays. She can choose to send a card or not. She usually does of course. If she ASKS to call him I certainly don't forbid it. But you know - she never asks.

Bottom line - she's a kid. The PARENT is supposed to be in control of the relationship for a long while yet. I am not going to build a relationship with his child FOR him! I hide his major failings from her and I try to be diplomatic about them with her when she asks. It would be just as bad to poison her - if not worse actually.

Teaching respect for your elders is one thing. Forcing a 'one-way' relationship is another. My mom did that to me - and I grew up wondering what was wrong with me that my dad didn't ever come around or call or anything. I wish I had known up front what kind of man he is. It would have saved a lot of pain.

Maybe you could see what your son wants to do (if he's old enough to comprehend these issues).

JMO!!

I agree with belleboyd--my mom used to push me having a relationship with my father, because she felt guilty about them splitting up. Ultimately he (dad) needs to want the relationship, and put in the time and effort involved. My father doesn't put in the effort, and once I realized it was a two-way street and he wasn't doing his part, I was better off. I lowered my expectations of him and don't rely on him for anything, but I am glad my mother didn't try to shield me from what he is.

ETA: Make sure for Scotty's sake that you have the legal issues ironed out of how much he will be contributing throughout Scotty's life. My mother actually didn't divorce my father until after I graduated from college because he threatened not to pay for anything. Make sure he is sharing in the financial responsibilities, even if he isn't there in the emotional or physical sense. He may 'forget' his child support once he has a new family. I have known that to happen to too many people.

I have to say, as much as I think he's a moron, he hasn't been a BAD father. He does call Scotty a couple times a week and pays (for the most part) what he's supposed to. When he moved to California last year, he'd fly back every month for a weekend to spend with Scotty. Then it became every 2 months, now every 3 months. I just see it becoming like twice a year. I have decided that once Scotty is back from visiting, I'm going to have to have a 'chat' with my ex. He himself never even told me that he got married...Scotty told me!! And then I confirmed it with his sister. I go gout of my way to tell him ANYTHING that I think might have an effect on Scotty's life!!!!!!
And it blows my mind how different fathers and mothers are. I don't know any (although I'm sure there are some) Mothers who would pick up and move to the other side of the U.S., and (many) fathers seem to think nothing of it.

On the other hand, I'm so lucky that Scotty and Jim have the relationship that they do. They TRULY love eachother like father and son.

your son is very lucky to have your DH....If his biological father will be too busy for him then that is your ex's loss and mistake, but your son will always have a father in your DH