UNDER DIFFERENT NAME - NEED ADVICE

Well girls, I am under a different name because I do not want my family or DH to realize this is me. I am an 07 bride and already married. I guess I am writing to vent and also to get some advice.
So my wedding day couldn't have been more perfect. Everything was wonderful except for family drama. It all started a few days before the wedding when FIL calls DH and tells him that his mom is really mad and so is he because my MOH wants to give a speech at the RD and they feel that this is totally inappropriate and also because FIL wants to give a speech. Okay you can both give speeches and as far as it being inappropriate, because you are paying for it, that is totally ridiculous considering you haven't given us a penny towards the wedding and my family has easily spent over 50k but you dont hear us say you can't dance at the wedding because that is our thing.
Anyways, DH gets totally on the defense because they started that conversation off saying they were really mad. DH tells them they are being ridiculous. Then MIL (who is a psycho) gets on the phone and says nothing about this wedding has been fun. EXCUSE ME!!! She said because they weren't included in anything. They live about a little over an hour away, but when we first got engaged, I would bring pics over all the time to show them, and try to include them, but I then realized that when we visited, no one ever asked about the wedding, nothing was ever said about the wedding at their house so I stopped bringing pics + it is not like my parents were involved that much. yes, they were financially involved but its not like they went to vendor appts with us. Anyways, DH gets extremely upset with his parents and told them they were being immature and ridiculous and it wasn't fair that they were saying these things a few days before the wedding and that he didn't want to talk to them.
Fast forward to rehearsal day (day before the wedding) DH is not talking to parents unless he has to. MIL was caught several times in church making faces and rolling her eyes. She was upset because I had changed what time she should get to DHs on the wedding day. I made the time later because she refused to have anyone do her hair. It really wasnt' a big deal. MIL and FIL hardly talked to me at the rehearsal and RD. At RD, MIL was diagonal from me and I totally heard her talk about me to her daughter. WHATEVER.
( This is just to give you some background and now it gets really bad for the wedding day)
Wedding Day - Everything was going well. DH was still not talking to parents unless he had to (I know he can be very stubborn, but his parents weren't talking to him either) Church went beautifully, granted MIL didn't say a word to me. She didn't talk to me until we were at RH taking family pics and she was next to me, she said you look beautiful and I told her so did she. That was it. She didn't talk to me the rest of the night, until the end which I will get to later. FIL didn't talk to me either. Obviously, I was extremely hurt by this. While we are outside taking pictures, the photographer calls DH's sisters and brother and parents for a pic. MIL calls the 2 nephews over (meanwhile they weren't supposed to be in the pic, but too late people were holding them) DH SIL gets all upset because she isn't in the family pic and starts crying hysterically. she ran through cocktail hour crying and of course now MIL has an allie. So I guess they were in the bathroom together and MIL comes out of the bathroom and says to DH a little birdie whispered in my ear... DH didn't let her finish and said to her 'are you trying to ruin my wedding' I'm sure DH SIL told his mom something that I said. Now we are lined up to be introduced into the ballroom. DH SIL comes in the room we are lined up in with the kid's playpen she screams at DH's brother that she is not talking to him then she is behind me and I decide to apologize to her about the pic (even though I didn't owe her an apology). I said that I was sorry and it was a complete oversight. Instead of just accepting my apology. She yells at me and says Well I think it is really messed up what you did. I am part of the family and wasn't in the pic. blah, blah, blah. Can you believe she yelled at me on my wedding day? That was it. I will never talk to that ***** ever again! My family went above and beyond treating me likea princess that day and I have this ***** yelling at me and crying on my day, I dont' think so!! I also found out she yelled at my dad too. So on with the night. IL's didn't dance or anything throughout the night and usually they dance all night long. FIL didn't ask me to dance, nothing. They didn't talk to us. I refused to go over to them, because I didn't want his mom starting anything. I refused to go over to where DH sil was because I wanted to punch her. I just felt that they were all so selfish and even if their son wasn't talking to them, they should have just let it go and at least faked having a good time. And now to top off the end of my wedding night, MIL comes up to me when everyone is saying goodbye and puts her hands on my cheeks and gets in my face saying, I DONT HATE YOU, I DONT HATE YOU, I DON'T HATE YOU. I DONT WANT TO LOOSE MY SON. I was in shock. (this is why I didn't go up to her all night). I just told her I don't hate her either and I would talk to him. She couldn't have waited to say that the next day. What a psycho. The next day we had a breakfast. His parents didn't talk to us at all. I didn't say good-bye to them and they didn't say good-bye to me. We came home from the honeymoon and they still haven't called us. I am so angry with them and I just keep replaying things back in my head. Honestly, my day couldn't have been more perfect except for them and that is all I keep focusing on. I will never talk to DH sil ever again, but I want DH to talk to his parents and I want to fix things with them, but he refuses to call them. What would you do? I told DH I wanted to right them a letter explaining how hurt I am and how upset I am but want to work things out and he told me it would only make things worse. I feel so bad for him too. It is so crappy what they did. DH doesn't even want to see our video because he said it is only going to make him mad when he sees them sitting and not dancing. FOR THOSE OF YOU STILL READING (sorry so long) Any suggestions? How would you feel? Would you be as upset as I am? My family is extremely close and treat DH like he is one of their own. I have always felt uncomfortable around IL's but now it is 1000s worse. PLEASE GIVE SOME ADVICE.

i would be just as upset as you are. wow, thats not a good situation. his mother needs some therapy. in the meantime, i think you should wait for DH to make the first move in opening the lines of communication. frankly, she seems like a miserable person, and regardless of what you did that day, she wouldve been unhappy as she is 'losing her son'. maybe instead of seeing it as losing her son, she should realize she has the opportunity to gain another daughter. i wish you the best of luck with this

Wow, I am so sorry you're going through this!!! I think that the crap they pulled on your wedding day is ridiculous - sounds like exactly what your MIL said - she didn't want to 'lose' her son... so she acted like a biatch. And your DH's SIL? F that! People get so freakin touchy about the silliest things and they forget what the day is really about (you know, the BRIDE and the GROOM!).

Sending you lots and lots of I would let your DH speak to his parents when he feels the time is right. If you force him to and he's not ready, it could make things worse. Sometimes people just need some time to be able to see things with a different perspective and to get over their anger.

wow soooooo sorry to read this. I agree with both ladies above, WAIT on this - unfortunately DH grew up with these people and intuitively knows what it will take to resolve it. Let him process his feelings first then the 2 of you can make a plan together. I really don't understand the profound selfishness that causes people to act this way, such a limited capacity for JOY... its quite sad, and they miss so much of life because of it.
But luckily enough YOU were blessed with a family that doesn't suffer from that, by the sounds of it. So PLEASE try to enjoy these first few magical days of married life, they are so precious. You had a wonderful wedding and have so many POSITIVE memories, and THAT is where you must focus, especially until you've healed from their meanspiritied behavior.

First off, lots of for you. I'm am so sorry you had to dealw ith this. Unfortunately, weddings bring out the worst in people and I too am learning that first hand right now. I agree witht he other girls. I would let your DH talk to them when he is ready. Last year, my FH got into a huge fist fight with his father and brother and a screaming match with his mom. I was there as well, and stuck int he middle. They kicked him out of the house and diddn't talk for a while. Now we have a pretty good relationship with them. The moral is that time heals all wounds and you just have to let this ride itself out. Feel free to FM if you ever want to talk. I've been in the same situation so I know how you're feeling.

how miserable and petty of your MIL to let little things like this impact the day of your WEDDING. i'm seriously so sorry about the way everything went down...

That's ridiculous. You were a victim of his family's insanity. Let your DH handle the situation and when he is ready to be over it, he'll get over it. But it sounds like this was recent and considering all the time, money and effort put into planning your special day, to have family bring you down is just obnoxious. As Jen said, time heals wounds, so I would let it go until he is ready.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's time to clear the air and have everyone discuss this like adults.

Yes, your ILs were awful and acted terribly at your wedding, but there may be hurt feelings on both sides here. You guys have a phone, too -- and you can be the bigger people and pick it up to call them. Yes, they should have called you - they should have done a lot of things, but they aren't. If you really want to fix things, I'd have your FH reach out to them, invite them over or out to dinner, and see if you can start to rebuild this relationship - if this is in fact what you want to do.

If you REALLY are serious about never talking to your SIL again, realize that this will seriously strain your relationship and your FH's relationship with his entire family. Just make sure you are both on the same page with how you want your relationship with his family to be. At this point, if you want to fix things, call them.

I'm sorry they acted like that on your wedding day -- but I wouldn't let that consume your thoughts of what was otherwise a lovely day.

holy cow ~ I am so sorry you are going through this especially the very start of your new life together... honestly I felt they should have just let it go... or at least for the rehersal and your wedding day and pretended to be a family or not come... what did they come for if they were going to be like that? SIL... tell her to grow up she should have not had a temper tantrum on your wedding day ~ You should not have apologized to her she should have aplogized to you...honeslty I know you want everyone to talk but I would let everyone just get over it I am sure they will talk eventually but everyone needs to cool off... I really think your hubbys family needs to make the move (not you or your hubby) they are the ones that should be aplogizing for being like this on your special day whatever problem they were trying to get past - FMIL is afraid of loosing him... treating him like this she is lucky she has not lost him yet... I would let them make the first move....good luck i hope things get better soon!

We all know your DH's family should make the move to make things right here, but I think we need to also realize that, realistically, that may not happen. You and your DH need to decide if you are going to be the bigger people and reach out to his parents to make things right or sit back and wait for what may never happen.

No one can answer what you should do but you... but the longer you let it go, the more hurt and harder to heal the feelings will get.

As for your SIL... hopefully she'll come to her senses and stop being a *****. Unfortunately, I wouldn't expect an apology. YES, she owes you one, but she probably doesn't see it that way. I'd try to forgive her and your ILs -- not for their sake, but for your own. You're admittedly allowing these bad memories to take away from the wonderful parts of your wedding memories... That's not fair to you at all.

I am so sorry that this had to happen to you on your wedding day and the days preceeding it.

It's a difficult situation, but it is something that your husband has to come to terms with. Re-establishing contact with his parents has to come from him. Give him some time, be there for him if he wants to talk about it, suggest professional counseling if he needs help dealing with his feelings. Something is the basis of all these negative emotions and irrational behavior, and that has to come out in order for this to be resolved.
As for your husband's SIL - she has some serious issues of her own. Crying hysterically becasue she was not included in photos - GROW UP !
Your choice if you want to have a relationship with her or not. Depends how close your husband and his brother are, but suggest that you be the bigger and more mature person in this. Be civil and ignore her as much as possible.

Best of luck, and lots of hugs.

I know it's hard, try not to shift the focus of what that day was about- it was about you guys, and if they couldn't behave like adults, it's their problem.

I know Im new to this site, but I read your post and felt so bad about what you posted.

Sometimes in life in order for you to be happy you have to remove or keep at bay negative people. They never want to see you happy, your MIL was upset that your day went so beautifully. Of course anyone that jumped on her bandwagon just wanted attention. The only thing you have to realize is she is a mother-in-law who is upset at the fact that a woman has taken her son away from her plain and simple and she will act b*tchy the remainder of your marriage (even after you 2 have children). It's just life. Not every mother in law is wonderful or perfect. Just stand your ground like you have been. As for your DH I'm sorry that he has to feel like he has to be on guard with his mother and family, but you dont know what they have talked about before (your inlaws) why they felt the need to gang up on you on your day! Ignore them and live your life. Tell your DH dont let them goose him into any fights/guilt trips or anything! You're his family its you two together-

I am so sorry that they chose to ack that way on your wedding day but you need to works things out with the inlaws...as far as the crazy SIL of your's she's lucky it wasnt me.....i would have asked her to leave

wow, I'm so sorry you have to go through this, this is the best time of your life, I'd say try and don't let it bother you, but how could you really
It sounds like my family, its something that would go, so I avoided it all together, I'm not inviting my sister..
I would just give everyone sometime.. let DH cool off, its harder when its your family, my FH always thinks its easier to get over things with my fam then it really is, when he's ready he will talk to them, and as for you, go on with your life, just cause you married him, you didn't marry his family! You don't need them if thats how there going to treat you, but if thats how they treat you on day one of being in their family, I'd keep your distance from now on.
You have a long time before the holidays start rolling around and your forced to see them again, but make plans with your family and keep them as distant as you can, your DH seems like he wants that now anyway.. Good Luck

Thanks girls for all the advice. It also felt nice to just let things out.

I do want to be able to have some sort of relationship with my MIL and FIL even though I don't think I will ever be able to forgive or forget how they acted and treated me on my wedding day. When I have kids, I don't want them to not know their grandparents because that is not fair to my kids. However, I don't know how close our relationship will ever be.

I will definitely wait until DH is ready to talk to his parents, but I just know that can be an extremely long time. He is very thick headed. He didn't talk to his sister for 4 years (yes, DH definitely has to work on his thick-headedness).

As far as DH SIL goes, I am sorry but I will not forgive her for what she did. She is an immature, jealous person who I want nothing to do with. Of course, I will act cordial to her when we are in the same room, but I want no relationship with her. She had also done a few nasty things during our planning and the wedding day topped things off. I really do believe it was because she was jealous and that she wasn't center of attention and that is something that is totally uncalled for.

I guess for now (even though it is killing me) I will just wait until DH is ready to talk to his parents. Of course, it goes both ways and his parents totally could have called us when we got back from our honeymoon but they haven't either, which really makes me upset for DH, but you are all right, I just need to wait right now, but I don't want to wait too long if you know what I mean.