Updated Sister in Law Dilema

(Last night I got into an argument with my future sister inlaw (a devout born again christian) whom I love so much and have never had any problems with. We had asked her to do a reading (originally we said she could choose something from her heart, something about love and something personal perhaps a poem or something) next year for our ceremony at the hall and she was touched. Since then she has been really going fanatical about this born again stuff (both her brother, my FI and I are catholic but not very religious and very uncomfortable with her talking about the born again stuff) Anyway, last night the two of us got into wedding talk and I said we'd perfer a reading not from the Bible something more us since my FI and I love poetry and stuff. I said we did nto want to make it a really religious thing. SHe said she refused to do any reading then and would not be part of such a wedding without Jesus Christ blessing and went on and on about me taking her brother away from what he was brought up to believe (he was raised catholic, and I would never tell him what to do he could convert to being jewish or muslim and I would support him) Anyway, it turned into a thing I got so upset I cried we then made up and left it that she would show us what she wanted to say prior but Im nervous shell show us one thing and stand up and start preaching another thing. Ughhhh Later in the night my FI and her fought too about something different but they still fought, after hearing about what she said to me he does not even want her at the wedding anymore. What should I do?)

Updated part:
She called this morning to apologize and left a message. I called back to accept and tell her we should talk face to face in a few days I also left a message. She called back and left another message acting all nice and telling us she loved us and thank you for accepting her apology and then proceeded to very sweetly say she still could not be part of our wedding and that I quote 'I have to bow out of your wedding and doing a reading and can not be part of a wedding ceremony not religious' I am so upset #1 that she did that and #2 she did it over the phone knowing how upset I was the other night. Now my FI does not want to ever see hear or talk to her. I had left things with her last night that she would show me a scripture she wanted to read as soon as she found one becasue I wanted to keep an open mind. I was so nice about it and so respectful too. What do I do now? His family is being torn aapart all because of me.

Tara:
It may not seem this way now, but be GLAD that she has made this as easy as she has. By removing herself, you can proceed without the fear of offending. As for the rest of the family, give them time (and that is the one luxury you have) to come around. Appreciate her candor and be grateful that she came around. Move on with your planning and don;t be upset. Religion and family is a complex equation and this is really a good outcome, IMO.

Wow. I am so sorry you're experiencing a rift in the family. I dont' know how long your FSIL has been born again, but she sounds a lot like me when I was first born again - a little over the top and unable to realize that you can't shove Christ down people's throats. I'm assuming the vows will be traditional anyway, I mean, you guys did you say you were raised Catholic? Forgive her - she's just a little over-zealous. And all this is not because of YOU. I am a born again Christian too, but I don't see anything wrong with reading a love poem. To keep the peace, just forgive her, tell her you understand and respect her feelings and move on. And remember, too, the Lord loves you, and is more anxious to bless you than you are to be blessed. I know your day will be beautiful!!
Blessings!

Wait---- is she bowing out of participating in the wedding or of going altogether???


I hope its not the latter. I swear- there is just something about weddings that 1) make people go crazy and 2) think its all about them

My heart goes out to you and your FH- you dont deserve this hurt right now

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Posted by teacherwheart

Thank you again guys. Anti Bride, she just bowed out of doing a reading and taking an 'active' part in our wedding. She said over the answering machine that she cannot be part of the wedding but that she will come and is still very happy for us. Ughhh, she was so condescending and to do it over the phone is so uncalled for.

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I know you feel bad now, but it may be a blessing in disguise. Thinking of you....

Time heals everything. As far you go I think one can only bend so much without breaking, so you have to find where the point is that you stop bending and stand up for you believe in. Continue to be nice, and love her, but stop apologizing. Support your FH in loving her. So she doesn't want to be part of the day, I agree with the other girls, move on and keep planning. I would simply respect her wish not to join and not beg her for her presence. If she approaches, and not through some answering machine message, I would remain very open to talk and calm, but otherwise, just as she walked away on her own, let her approach you.

I know it still hurts though. My own mother declines to participate in any wedding planning and pre-activities. I guess I just try to leave the door open and remind myself to always invite her, remembering it is her loss at not seeing her own daughter's joy if she doesn't come to any events and whatnot. How sad for my mother and your FSIL.

I guess all I can say is that:

Decide if you are upset enough about the way she talked to you to talk with your FH about it. I know usually was lean on our men when we are upset. Before Kevin and I got engaged his family and I did not get along and they talked bad things about me, and I would tell him things they would do. During the time they fought I blaimed myself alot of the time.

While you may be right in feeling you have some sort of part in this, remember that any woman in his life would have probably cause some sort of issue. But perhaps if you feel you can deal with this problem without talking to him about it, and if you have been able to get over some of it, you can tell him that you are 'not upset enough for this tear the family apart' and that, if you do, you respect her decision and that it is time to move on.

May this is a chance to get a close friend involved in the wedding instead. But I would mention it to the sister first.

I really hope all this goes ok and I will be praying for your situation and that everything works out.

I know you're upset. - But believe me speaking from experience, she did you a favor.
b/c your worst fear would have come true and she would have gotten up there preaching .....

My FH's family is strict Irish Catholic, his mom and her 3 sisters were raised that way. -
His one Aunt is born again, which is fine. - But she preaches and like your FSIL refuses to be a part of anyone's life who does not believe practive religion the way she does.......(which I presonally think is totally hypocrital of the whole religon to begin w/ but that's another story) point is, she's alone and unhappy. - She has God, and that's about all she has.
No family, no friends, etc etc.
Don't let FSIL push her beliefs on you and FH, and dont' let her put the guilt trip on you re: 'Stealing' her borther. - he was not raised that way, SHE made a choice to live her life a certain way and no one tells her not to, she's now making the choice to 'bow out' of her own brother's wedding. - Just let it go, b/c nothing you can say or do will change her mind if she is strictly devoted to her religion.