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VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

Original post by xjulietx

Thread views: 2,574

I posted yesterday that FH and I ordered invitations on Wednesday night. Well last night we showed our parents the virtual proof online. Since my mom was there when we ordered them (she is paying for them) she just wanted to see how it looked.

FH's parents on the other hand, were so upset and offended that their names were not at the top with my parents (my parents are paying). They are from Poland (FH is too) and they said that in Poland our invitation would convey the meaning that my parents were aristocratic and he was a peasant boy (???? huh????) and my parents are hosting a big celebration for me and the man I chose to take as a husband. She also didn't like how my parents and his parents were listed as Mr. and Mrs. First Middle Last Name. She feels that she and my mother have first names and they should be listed.

Just for reference, my wording was this

Mr. and Mrs. first middle last
request the honour of your presence
at the Nuptial Mass uniting their daughter

First middle

and

First middle

son of Mr. and Mrs. first middle last

in the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony

details
details
details

My mother, God bless her, has decided to be diplomatic and place his parents under my parents and we will change 'daughter' to 'children'. She refuses to write out both mother's first names though

Is this weird? FH's parents are not contributing financially. It's my parents, and FH and me.

I didn't get to sleep until almost 2AM because I was so upset.

Need a hug or something

Kriss2c Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

The compromise you did is more than sufficient. You are a better person than I - I would have just said to them point blank that you are in the US now and accept our customs.

Maribelle7777 Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

I like how it was the first time around. Everyone has different customs but you're getting married here and therefore (IMO) you should use the customs here.

Then again you don't need to be the one paying to be the one hosting.

If it means no fighting, then have both names on top. But I would explain to her why you had it the way it was (which I think was fine).

solstice Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

okay, at the risk of becoming very unpopular, here's my humble opinion: you chose this guy that you love and his culture is a big part of who he is (and will likely be part of many compromises to come). I am the Spanish part of my marriage, so I know my FH and I have discussed these sorts of things lots ...i am so impressed by your mom being willing to make the change that she did! I actually included my mom's first name on the invite: B/C his parent's are divorced and therefore were listed individually...that meant that only my mom's name wasn't on our invite My fh was great about breaking 'etiquette' Bottom line: new family+new culture=lots of talking!! my best wishes to you guys

september2004 Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

Posted by solstice

okay, at the risk of becoming very unpopular, here's my humble opinion: you chose this guy that you love and his culture is a big part of who he is (and will likely be part of many compromises to come). I am the Spanish part of my marriage, so I know my FH and I have discussed these sorts of things lots ...i am so impressed by your mom being willing to make the change that she did! I actually included my mom's first name on the invite: B/C his parent's are divorced and therefore were listed individually...that meant that only my mom's name wasn't on our invite My fh was great about breaking 'etiquette' Bottom line: new family+new culture=lots of talking!! my best wishes to you guys

i agree with you.

june262004 Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

The wording you had is exactly what we are going to have. My FIL refuse to pay. The told us that they already maried their daughter so they are done paying. You and ure mother are great people to change the wording to make her happy. Heres ure hugs Don't let her get u down.

deby Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

Not to add fuel to the fire, but your FMIL is being unreasonable. Most of the suggested invitation wording in the magazines does not even include FH's parents! And you were kind enough to include them and now they want to be on top?

nferrandi Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

I think if you are close enough to your FMIL to do so, you should give her a wedding ettiquette book 'just to familiarize herself' with some American customs. We plan on having both of our parents names up top, but that's because my FILs contributed to our wedding. If they hadn't, it would have just been my parents name on the top.

spazybride04 Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

what does your fiance think?

Do what you both think is correct, not what your FMIL wants!

xjulietx Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

FH originally didn't even think his parents should be on the invitation since my parents are hosting. I was the one who thought it would be a nice gesture to include them. Now they want their names with my parents names.

Unfortunately, it is simply a cultural misunderstanding to which they took offense. My mother's gesture to rearrange the names will be fine and still acceptable.

FH didn't know this would be offensive. He thought what I thought. We were following etiquette books, so we should be okay.

I can't wait to get the faxed proof, say okay and print them. I am not making any other changes to my wording!!!!!

sp04 Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

Posted by cw0904

I did what your mom said to do. My invite copy went something like this.

mr and mrs first middle last
and
mr and mrs first middle last
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their children
BRIDE first middle
and
GROOM first middle
on DAY
YEAR
at TIME
LOCATION
ADDRESS
CITY, STATE

I wouldn't put the mother's first name on there. Its to cumbersome.

For us it had nothing to do with who gave what amount of money, or who didn't give anything. It was more what we felt was appropriate.

I did the same exact thing.. My invitations were worded this way... And FH and I are paying for our reception.. But both sets of parents are helping financially in other ways.. And i decided to word them this way because it was just something i wanted to do.. It had nothing to do with money or who was hosting what... It was just the mere fact that I wanted both of our parents names to be included on the invitation along with ours and i thought it was also very traditional..
It is what i wanted and it should depend on the bride and groom and what they want.. NOBODY ELSE.

jvs77 Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

What a lousy thing to have to deal with! Sending some hugs your way!

butterfly20 Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

you did nothing wrong... if there from poland tell her 'im american and american tradition dictates whoever pays for the wedding is listed as the host'... that is very sweet your mother is willing to add them to the top of the invitation..

xjulietx Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

I think this solution should be okay. If it is not, I will tell them to send a different invitation to Poland.

My mom said FH's mother is lucky we showed her the proof. She could have been stuck with the invitations as they are. FH said we would have been left with a lot of extras because his parents wouldn't send them out that way.

I hope this the only thing she makes a fuss over. I think I have been an awesome and accomodating bride. No temper tantrums. Somewhat calm and cool.

samsbride Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

The one thing I can say is that I do agree that all women should have THEIR first names listed - not just their husbands.
I do not plan to be Mrs John Doe after I am married. I am changing my last name but not my first name and I hope others will respect that.
I think people should be referred to as they like so if your mom wants to take your dad's first name - she should. Likewise if your FMIL wants her first name on the invite - I'd do it.

charliesgirl Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

The same thing happend to me. I had the same exact wording as you. I showed my MIL the proof and she was ok with it, didn't say anything. So I ordered the invitations and when I showed my MIL the final product she told my fiance at the time that she wasn't happy b/c it looks like it my parents were inviting everyone and my in-laws weren't. My DH was so scared to tell me that his mother wanted me to redo the inviattions that he had a full blown panic attack in front of me. I said over my dead body am I ordering new inviations. I spent over $1000 for my inviations and my MIL wasn't going to pay me to redo them.

Well my parents paid for half of our wedding, all of my shower and much more. My in-laws did not pay for one thing for the wedding. So I read all the wedding ettitiqute books and the traditional way to do the invites is they way you and many of the brides did it. I didn't have to put their names on the invite.

As much as I enjoyed my wedding day I did not enjoy the planning process b/c of my MIL & FIL.

xjulietx Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

Sadly, the idea that it is about who pays seems to offend FH's parents. They are from a post-communist country where invitations were never issued in a way to express who the hosts were. As FH put it, some people have money, some don't, we're both wonderful people marrying wonderful people and both parents want to invite everyone to come watch the union.

I guess following etiquette books isn't fool proof

sarahthegreat Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

holy crap this is what i'm in for!!! I'm going to Vegas to get married by Elvis. Hang in there with the invites, don't sweat the small stuff. i agree with the other board members here, since the wedding is taking place in the USA, not Poland, US etiquette takes precedence.

Happy Wedding!

xjulietx Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

Right now (as of tonight) my mom has decided that this is fine and we will simply place his parents under my parents. My mom doesn't want to make this into a bigger deal than it is. She has bigger things on her mind One of her best friends who is battling ovarian cancer was just given the last rites. The woman is dying is the type of person to not let things get her down and to see the good in everything. My mom has taken a cue from her.

usuk2004 Thread views: 2,574

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

Posted by smm2675

holy crap this is what i'm in for!!! I'm going to Vegas to get married by Elvis. Hang in there with the invites, don't sweat the small stuff. i agree with the other board members here, since the wedding is taking place in the USA, not Poland, US etiquette takes precedence.

Happy Wedding!

I disagree...you have to be sensitive to other people and other cultures--My Fh and I encounter this a lot because we're from two different cultures and we always try to compromise--but I do believe you've compromised enough

And then your mom's friend...that's so terrible. But I think it should help put things into perspective as it seems to have for your mom. There are more important things in the world besides invitations. Don't stress too much! Good luck