vent (sorry, a bit long) and need your advice

isn't it that the wedding is ALL ABOUT THE COUPLE???

whenever FI & I attend weddings, we always go to the ceremony because we feel that it is the most important aspect of the wedding and the reception/party is only secondary. we've decided from the beginning of our engagement that we prefer our guests do the same - respect the ceremony and respect US by witnessing our less-than-30-minute wedding service.

with this in mind, FI & I are doing something different BUT is not something that is impossible or outrageous to ask for our guests and that is: we will only disclose the reception location AT the church AFTER the ceremony. we've been strict with that and only me, FI, our parents and siblings know (and of course you lovely ladies!).

some would say what's with the big secret BUT, can't you just take it as it is and accept that this is a wish by the bride and the groom?!?!?

i just had another almost-heated conversation with no other than my mom (surprise!) and she insists that i should tell HER non-filipino guests (we've designated 10 seats at her request) where the reception is. i told her i will not and there is no exception to it. she then complained about, they're not Filipino's, blah, blah, they won't get it... to which i responded 'it is our decision as a couple to do this. if they're skipping the ceremony, then we do not want them to take part on any of our wedding celebration!' (i honestly really don't care for her guests because i've never met them)

most of you gals here are non-Filipinos (obviously) so, is FI's & my request too far fetched to fulfill? if you were invited to our wedding and heard about this request of us, what will you feel/think?

btw, we are providing a shuttle for those who need transport from the church to the RH and vice-versa.

Honestly? Yea, I think it's a little weird. What if people can't make it to the ceremony? What about OOT people? I have a cousin that lives in NJ. She didn't come to the ceremony, but came to the reception. Didn't bother me.

What if people work in the afternoon but not at night and can't take off of work? Yes, even on the weekends.

JMO, but I'd be a little skeptical.

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Posted by Lsorrent

Honestly? Yea, I think it's a little weird. What if people can't make it to the ceremony? What about OOT people? I have a cousin that lives in NJ. She didn't come to the ceremony, but came to the reception. Didn't bother me.

What if people work in the afternoon but not at night and can't take off of work? Yes, even on the weekends.

JMO, but I'd be a little skeptical.

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ITA. If I received an invite to a wedding like that, I'd probably go to neither. I know it's your day and it's your choice but be prepared for a lot of backlash.

Hmmmm... this is a tough one. I think I would be really confused by something like this. If the RH was going to be far from my home, I'd want to know so I could make hotel arrangements or something of that sort. Furthermore, although dress for a wedding is more or less standard, things could vary. For example, if you were having an outdoor affair, I'd make sure to dress towards the weather.

Also, some people might legitimately NOT be able to make the ceremony. What if some people have children and they need to tell the sitter when they will be back but have no idea how far the RH is from their home?

I DO think it should be about what you want; however, I think there's a whole lot of unknowns with the plan.

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Posted by Lsorrent

Honestly? Yea, I think it's a little weird. What if people can't make it to the ceremony? What about OOT people? I have a cousin that lives in NJ. She didn't come to the ceremony, but came to the reception. Didn't bother me.

What if people work in the afternoon but not at night and can't take off of work? Yes, even on the weekends.

JMO, but I'd be a little skeptical.

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ITA. I would want to know where the reception is in advance so I could plan my traveling and maybe I would want to get a hotel in the area.

I would honestly be a little put off by this. Again, thats JMHO!

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Posted by jennybee

If it is a cultural tradition, then guests should honor and respect that. If it is not something that is customarily done, then maybe it's going a bit too far. Maybe you could handle it on a case-by-case basis. It's not like your mom's guests will tell anyone else where the reception is. It might be worth it just to keep the peace.

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ITA...

But I also get why you want people to come to the ceremony...

BUT lol, im also one of those people that rarely goes to the ceremony... only for family and obviously if im in the BP

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Posted by Lsorrent

Honestly? Yea, I think it's a little weird. What if people can't make it to the ceremony? What about OOT people? I have a cousin that lives in NJ. She didn't come to the ceremony, but came to the reception. Didn't bother me.

What if people work in the afternoon but not at night and can't take off of work? Yes, even on the weekends.

JMO, but I'd be a little skeptical.

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ITA

I understand why you want people at the ceremony, but honestly I think its a little crazy to withhold the reception info from your guests...it feels a little like blackmail. Honestly if someone can't make it to the ceremony but still wants to celebrate with me by coming to the reception I am completely open to that. Them showing up at all shows that they care about us.

If I received an invitation like this I probably wouldn't go...I'd be insulted.

What about sorta-local OOT'ers? (Like NJ and CT folks)
People that get stuck in traffic?
People that actually CANNOT attend the ceremony because of job or school issues?
People who don't have cars and will have to scramble for room in someone else's car or rely on a last-minute call to a car service for the ride home?

Logistically, you're setting yourself up for a nightmare.

It's not worth it.

ETA: Since you asked how we'd feel/think, I'd honestly think it was crazy and feel pretty insulted.

thanks everyone for the responses and it does help to see the other side of this.

it may sound weird but, most of our guests are from NY. the OOT are only few and even with them, we've already arranged their transportation (care of the hotel they all are staying at).

as mentioned earlier, we're also providing shuttle for those who does not have cars so they do not have to worry about getting to the RH.

oh, and we're also giving out phone numbers of people that our guests can contact to confirm if they do need transport (and to RSVP too)

i've gone to weddings where this was done and it was succesful - i'm hoping we'll be able to replicate it as well!

If this is a cultural thing, then I say you can stick to your guns, but for those who are not aware of the cultural aspect of why you are doing it, I think you should provide them either an explanation or provide them with the reception information.

Also if these are your mom's guests, then why care if they attend your ceremony. IMO you should be concerned that your family and closest friends be at the ceremony.

I was upset that many people didn't attend my ceremony, but then I realized that those who did attend, were my closest family and friends and that is what made it even more special.

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Posted by cleokizzy

thanks everyone for the responses and it does help to see the other side of this.

it may sound weird but, most of our guests are from NY. the OOT are only few and even with them, we've already arranged their transportation (care of the hotel they all are staying at).

as mentioned earlier, we're also providing shuttle for those who does not have cars so they do not have to worry about getting to the RH.

oh, and we're also giving out phone numbers of people that our guests can contact to confirm if they do need transport (and to RSVP too)

i've gone to weddings where this was done and it was succesful - i'm hoping we'll be able to replicate it as well!

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ive never heard of this before. i personally would probably be a little put off by this. i am an adult and i can make my own decisions. the last wedding i went to i couldnt take off work early so i missed the ceremony and only went to the reception. i dont think people should be penalized. if they dont want to attend the ceremony for whatever reason, i think you should just accept it and move on. and dont take it personally, its not worth the stress.

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Posted by cateydee

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Posted by cleokizzy

thanks everyone for the responses and it does help to see the other side of this.

it may sound weird but, most of our guests are from NY. the OOT are only few and even with them, we've already arranged their transportation (care of the hotel they all are staying at).

as mentioned earlier, we're also providing shuttle for those who does not have cars so they do not have to worry about getting to the RH.

oh, and we're also giving out phone numbers of people that our guests can contact to confirm if they do need transport (and to RSVP too)

i've gone to weddings where this was done and it was succesful - i'm hoping we'll be able to replicate it as well!

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ive never heard of this before. i personally would probably be a little put off by this. i am an adult and i can make my own decisions. the last wedding i went to i couldnt take off work early so i missed the ceremony and only went to the reception. i dont think people should be penalized. if they dont want to attend the ceremony for whatever reason, i think you should just accept it and move on. and dont take it personally, its not worth the stress.

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ITA...honestly if you want to ensure that people come to both the ceremony and reception then your best bet is to have your ceremony at the RH...then you can be sure that more people will show up to the ceremony.

honestly.... i probably wouldnt even go to the wedding if i didnt know where it was. it just seems too weird. a lot of people cant make it to the ceremony because of work, kids, other responsibilities, traffic,etc. i would defintely disclose the location of ur reception to all your guests. i dont think its not fair to them.

eta:: dh and i are going to a wedding next weekend and cant make the ceremony that is at 3pm because i work til 5pm.... so we can still make the ch which starts at 630 and celebrate with the couple.

Ive heard of this before but its in England in the traveler community, Is this something that is done routinely in the Filipino culture/community?
If this is the way you want to do it then do it your way. I have done both gone and not gone to a ceremony and still go to reception. Due to either the time of ceremony - whether or not I was ready - and the type of service it was going to be.
My banquet manager has told me of a bride who had told them not to let anyone in after the ceremony- so your not the first person to think this way
edit to add: I need to know what the whole deal is before I rsvp yes to something so this would be a major no if you werent a dear friend or family

I think you will run into a lot of problems.

1. If I were a guest, I'd be curious where the hall is so you know the appropriate dress atire. I know I would dress differently for a reception at the Garden City Hotel versus one at the Nassau County Farm.

2. If the RH is some distance away (not like 2 minute car ride), your guests may want to plan their driving directions ahead of time so that they will know how to get home. I know my father does this, as do many in my family.

3. Some may not agree, but a lot of people still feel they want to 'cover their plate' as their gift to the wedding. Not knowing where the wedding is, they may give a certain gift, and later feel embarrassed by not giving enough if you have it at a much nicer place.

That said, I think knowing where the hall is causes excitement. Some of my guests have heard of my hall, they tell me things about it, how much they are looking forward to it.