Vent...I want to elope (Long - Sorry)

First of all I love him so much and have no doubt that we will be happy for the rest of our lives together. None of this changes the fact that I can't wait to marry him.

My problems start with the fact that I wasn't all that keen on spending $$ on a wedding. We are paying for it ourselves, with a few contributions from our parents - sort of. I'd prefer to spend our $$ on a house rather than a party. But he wanted it, out parents really wanted it and, yes of course It'll be nice to be the bride.

So we're doing it. With a strict budget, knowing where we wanted to splurge and where to save, but let's face it weddings on LI just ain't cheap.

So my Mom and told us she was giving us a few thousand dollars for the wedding - months ago even before we were engaged. Yesterday she told me that she can't give it to us because some things have come up. It was a part of our budget.

Top it off - I called her this morning to say we'll figure something out, don't worry and you aren't obligated to give us something. I wanted to make sure she didn't feel that bad. She then proceeds to tell me that she'd be scaling back my shower. Why would someone say that to a bride?

Right now I want to stamp my foot and pout cuz I've been to and hosted plenty of showers. Usually lots of people, in a restaurant, nothing to fancy, or in a back yard - even simpler still fantastic.

Now, when it's my turn it can't be done. It's not like this was a surprise, we've been dating 5 years and planned a wedding date a little over a year from when we got engaged. Now I'm being made to feel like I am a burden. She said she spoke to my MOH and BM's and no one is really in a good position $$ wise. I never expected high tea at the plaza for a shower. Whatever they want to do or not do is fine but why did I have to hear this? Why did I have to be made to feel like a burden. Should I just tell her to skip it altogether?

... right now if I can convince him to elope I'll gladly forfit the deposits I have left and put all of this behind me.

OK, I've vented and I still want to cry.

I'm so sorry. That was totally inappropriate for your Mom to say that. I don't blame you for being mad. Your bridal party should throw you a beautiful shower without complaining, or else they should not have agreed to be in the bridal party.

Not sure what to say. Money woes totally suck.
I hope it all works out and that you have a great shower because you deserve to be happy about your wedding.

I'm so sorry that you're this stressed. Let's take one thing at a time. #1) Your mom promised you money and has now told you you're not getting it. That sucks! Can you and FH afford to make up the difference? If it's going to be a real struggle, or even if it's not, I can totally understand your stress and disappointment. #2) Your mom is now disappointing you about your shower, too. She should never have said that to you. So what if they scaled it down?! You would never have known that or been unhappy if she just hadn't mentioned anything.

I don't know, maybe this is just her style, but could there be something else going on? All of this sounds kind of messed up to me. Is she happy about this marriage? I think if you could convince FH to elope, and that's what you want to do, than go ahead. But do not do it if you think either of you will look back with regrets. You only get one time to do this, so make it whatever will make you happy.

I think we all go through this feeling at one point or another during the wedding process, but you ahve already invested so much time and money into the wedding. You dont want to have any regrets later when you look back. Is there anyway you can cut things out?? maybe lower your packages with the dj and photographer? cut back on flowers? if you want you can fm me your budget and how much you are spending on each thing.. suprisingly im really good with budgets ( who knew)
as for everything with your shower you are not a burden and Im so sorry your mom made you feel that way - I can totally relate b/c my mom dosent have too many friends so when she needs to vent... im the one she does it too. Everything will work out in the end!

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I totally understand your frustration. FH and i freaked out about money and considered eloping but I thought abotu it and it is something I would really regret. You guys have plenty of time to save up.

As for the shower, tell your mom that your wedding is so far away, why doesn't she wait to throw it. Maybe finances will be better at that point. I'm getting married in August of this year and I haven't had my shower yet, but I hear its being planned.

You are going to be OK. You have everything in perspective. You love your FH and you will be getting married. That is what is important.

I am sorry to hear about all of the problems you are facing. Don't worry you are not alone. I think i have said the same thing to my FH at least once a day . It does pass i promise. In the end it is worth all of the stress and headaches. Good luck and relax. It is your day.

All I really can say is sorry and I hope that things get easier for you.

Have you read the book 'The Conscious Bride'? I seem to recall a page or two on parents not being able to really express or even be conscious of why they are 'acting out'. In reality she may be having a difficult time accepting this step in your life for one reason or another. Control? Does she feel left out of the planning? Did she think she would have more of a role/ a different role? And what did she mean by 'scale back'...invite less ppl? ..have it in the backyard versus a restaurant? Do you know what the original plan was? I would get on the same page as her as to what she 'wanted it to originally be'.

Unfortunately for some reason, we brides have to be the 'better people' and talk through everyone else's s**t about our weddings. Ridiculous.

As for eloping...my dream was to be married barefoot on a tropical beach, or the cliffs of California, or in Tahiti (they have an authentic Tahitian wedding day). Eloping and having a small party after your elopment is not a horrible idea.

Thanks to all for your responses! It is so great to have these boards for the hard times and for the fun stuff too.

I am going to go get that Concious Bride book.

Thanks Again to all!