Venting

So last month I asked my mother and FMIL to give me lists of who they wanted to invite so I could work on the save the dates and have them out by the end of April (our 1 year mark). Not only did my mother wait till the LAST week in April to start working on her list, but she had more than her alotted amount of people. We split the invites up, each side of the family gets 100 people and FH and I get a flexible 50 (we weren't going to be too strict with ourselves, but we would try to keep it under).

Now my parents are helping us substantially. FH's family is double the size of mine but they are unable to help out financially. They would if they could, but times are really tough for them. Thats why we left everything equal like this. So for my parents to have more than they are allotted is a big deal! It isn't a whole lot more, but when they tell me the reason behind it is cause they know of a few of them that are automatic 'no's but they are curtesy invites.... thats a problem. My father SCREAMED at me when I made note of the actual numbers. Then when I proceeded to make note of a few people they missed, I was answered with a 'Well, who would you have us take off?' I had an answer, but of course they will not take off their second and third cousins even tho they have no clue who I am or vice versa!!!!

THEN my parents have the audacity to want to invite 2 of my cousins significant others (one has been with her boyfriend for a while, and they are 'pre-engaged' and the other I think will be moving in together in a few months. Them wanting to invite them is not the issue (tho I rather not have ANY couples unless we are friends with both or there is a ring involved), the issue is that they didn't write down my other cousins significant other, WHICH SHE LIVES WITH!!!!! When I pointed this fact out, my mom replied saying that was by my aunts request. WHAT does my aunt have to do with it?!?!?! Thats not right for her to even have a say whatsoever!!!!!!

THEN my father tries to tell me that the list wasn't the final list, so changes may be made..... THE WHOLE POINT WAS FOR THE SAVE THE DATES!!!! you cant send a save the date without them being invited.... and they just don't get it!!!!

OH YEA!!!! And then they try to tell me that anyone they missed can go on OUR (FH and mine) list. I told them that our list is full and I am given a guilt trip bout theirs being a cut back as well. YOU HAVE MORE PEOPLE TO INVITE THAN US and its OUR WEDDING!!!!!!


I don't know what to do! My parents ARE helping out, but it isn't fair to make FH's family suffer cause they are unable to help us. But there is no getting through to my parents! This has given me SOOOOO much aggeda all night at work that a hectic night felt 100x worst

Thanks for listening and any advice!

Oh boy....that was a lot to take in. No offense, but you should have had your parents and FHs parents create a list before you even booked a venue. We did this and have slowly been able to cut some people out.

I know you said your parents are helping out, are they paying for all of the reception? Half? You don't need to tell me, but if they aren't paying for the full thing than I would tell them that they will have to pay for each person they go over the original 100 person limit.

I can also relate with the whole sending invites to people who are definite no's. I'm having an issue with this now. FH has a couple of people like this and I'm against even sending an invitation. You never know, even if they are elderly living in another state they might decide this is the year to go on a trip back to Long Island.

Last thing is the two cousins with boyfriends/girlfriends. If they have been together a long time than I think you should invite them. I think it would be rude not to.

Basically, I think it depends on how much money your parents are contributing. If it's less than half the reception I say they can't win this battle of inviting more people unless they pay. Maybe having a meeting with both families would be a good idea to go over the guest list.

Yea its a lot to take in, sorry bout that! It has been long established (before we booked the RH) how many people each side would invite. There was no problem till NOW when I asked for the final list... thats probably one of the biggest peeves i have right now. They said all along that they understood, and they were ok and would make do with what they got.... and NOW that push comes to shove.... its a problem.

My parents are giving us a lump sum. It will end up probably equating to about half, if not a little less than half of the total for the wedding. The people who are definitely no's don't travel anymore. They are the second and third cousins of my parents I believe who have probably never met me before in my life... and if they did, I was like 5.

My problem is the cousin whose boyfriend who my mom didn't add due to my aunts request! She has no right to request anyone not to be invited. And its not right to invite the others without hers. I do not know how long one has been with his girlfriend and the other has been with her boyfriend for a while, but she always is with someone. She can't be alone.

FH's family has been NO problem at all with the wedding. Any request we have of them, is done. No questions asked. It's MY family thats the problem!

Try to relax and not get overwhelmed right now. I think that some of these people on the list should be 'maybes'. Send STDs to all the definite invites and those 'maybes' do not send STDs to. Whether or not you invite them to the actual wedding you can decide later down the road. Maybe as you book more vendors your parents will come to their senses and see inviting such distance family members is a waste of money and space to you.

You can also still send a STD to your cousin. You don't have to specify 'and guest' right now.

This is tough.

My parents are paying for mine too so a part of me is like 'well do I just go with what they say b/c they are paying even if it makes me unhappy?' or 'do I voice my opinion b/c it's MY wedding, not THEIRS?'. It really is a tough call.

I'm going through a similar situation. I have never had friends at any job I have had but at this job I have a lot of friends- so when I made my list and i factored in co-workers, it came to 10... that's not including spouses. I know that is probably a lot, but it's my wedding and these co-workers are people I see both at work and outside of work. My dad said i had to cut the co-workers list so that we could invite his cousin and family (whom I have never met))...and when i told my dad that i don't really want that man at my wedding he got all offended saying this man is close to him, we share the same last name etc etc and he has to be there. I just don't see why I should invite someone who has never met me to my wedding over people that I spend 5 days a week with. Makes NO sense.

Good luck- I hope this works out for you. I haven't decided what we're doing yet, we haven't gotten to the Save The Date part.

They know that we need to keep budget, its all my mother keeps talkin bout! Which is why I don't understand why they are so insistant on certain people who really don't need to be invited. You would think that if she is so obsessed with money that she would be trying to HELP lower costs, not add to them! grrr

Thanks everyone for their advice!

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Posted by stormstryker

They know that we need to keep budget, its all my mother keeps talkin bout! Which is why I don't understand why they are so insistant on certain people who really don't need to be invited. You would think that if she is so obsessed with money that she would be trying to HELP lower costs, not add to them! grrr

Thanks everyone for their advice!

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My parents are adding to their own costs too and then complaining to me about it.

They said I HAD to have a band and a nighttime wedding... daytime and DJ would have been much cheaper and I was gladly willing to have both... but nope. I try to save them money and they don't want it, lol.