What do I do?

prncssrachel Posted: Mar 08, 2003 10:41 PM

What do I do?

Ok, I'm very upset over something, and I need advice or opinions. I probably will do nothing, but I need to get this off my chest. I have been friends with this guy since childhood, we'll call him Bob. Well, in my heart of hearts, I have always had the gut feeling that Bob is gay. About two years ago, I felt my suspisions were confirmed when I saw him in a bar holding hands and hugging another man. A few weeks later, he began to date a girl I know. My mother, without knowing the bar story, said she swore she saw someone who looked like Bob in the mall walking hand in hand with a man, yet he was still dating this girl. Bob has never said anything to me about any of this, but I still feel I know him well enough. He is high up in the corporate world, and I know that he was upset about being the only one in the office who was not married. So I got a phone call the other day from Bob saying that he and his girlfriend are getting married. Now, I still feel that Bob is gay, I really and truely feel that this is true, but how do I say something, or should I say something at all? I happen to love his fiance and we get along very well, and I am afraid that she will be hurt, and am upset that Bob cannot be true to himself. I don't know, I should probably mind my business, but he is a very close friend, and I am just worried.

CutieLipps Posted: Mar 08, 2003 10:47 PM

Re: What do I do?

I feel that saying something will only push your friend away. JMO

lilmrs Posted: Mar 08, 2003 10:58 PM

Re: What do I do?

I say that you don't say anything. You have no concrete proof. You are talking about messing with this mans life over a feeling. You WILL lose a friend if you say something. JMO too!

prncssrachel Posted: Mar 08, 2003 11:05 PM

Re: What do I do?

It would be a rare lapse of judgement if I ever said anything, but I know what I saw, and I do believe my mother saw him, as well. I don't know, it's just weighing heavy on my mind.

lilmrs Posted: Mar 08, 2003 11:07 PM

Re: What do I do?

If you feel you must say something then do it! Just be fully aware of the reprecussions (sp?)!!

avesur Posted: Mar 08, 2003 11:26 PM

Re: What do I do?

Unless you are 100% sure of what you saw and your mother saw, and have some sort of proof to support your words, I would recommend you to keep it to yourself. If it is true, it will come around sooner or later ... those type of secrets can't be hidden for ever. And what if his fiancée knows about it, what if they hold bi-sexual lives? You don't know what is going on in someone else's sexual life. If you go for talking to her or him, be aware that you might loose them as friends for ever. Even if it is true, what if she does not believe you? You will end up being bandit of the story. IMO.

bride04 Posted: Mar 08, 2003 11:28 PM

Re: What do I do?

I wouldn't say anything. Maybe she even knows about it if he is letting himself be seen out in public.

jennbaby Posted: Mar 08, 2003 11:55 PM

Re: What do I do?

I wouldn't say anything yet I understand how you feel. Let him & his fiance' handle this or you may lose his friendship.

Valenia Posted: Mar 09, 2003 07:46 AM

Re: What do I do?

I am also of the 'stay out of it' mentality. You don't know what you saw. It could have been a dare, it could have been experimentation, who knows. Hand holding/hugging is not proof that he is gay. If you never felt comfortable to talk to Bob about it after seeing him at the bar, I question how well you really know his personal life. That would have been the appropriate time to talk to him. If I saw any close friend holding someones hand (same gender or opposite gender) I would feel free to have asked them about their new love interest. Too much time has passed now for that.

karenJ Posted: Mar 09, 2003 07:53 AM

Re: What do I do?

I would stay out of it. If you want to help, talk to Bob direclty and ask him what the deal is. Since you have known him from childhood, he might feel comfortable answering your questions. But like one of the gals said before, please prepare for the repercussions.

Good luck.
Karen

msmeanie1 Posted: Mar 09, 2003 10:24 AM

Re: What do I do?

you should speak to him about it. I was kind of in a situation where I was the woman engaged to a man that was trying to portray an image of heterosexuality. I do believe that in my heart I suspected what was going on, but did not want to deal with it. Everyone was affraid to speak to me, and I do not know if anyone spoke to him. I wish that someone would have spoken about it. It would have saved a lot of heart ache in the end. Its avery sesnsitive subject and difficult to apprach but if you trully valueyour friendship with them you must do it, and thy will eventually get over it. Good Luck.

Karen H Posted: Mar 09, 2003 10:41 AM

Re: What do I do?

Could you broach the subject in a round about way? Maybe mention that you think he has a twin out there because someone told you they saw him with a guy holding hands. He may laugh it off and say that he's been told that before, or he may tell you it was him and explain further. Don't push, just see what his reaction is.

Could it be that he does have a twin - was he adopted? Newsday just had an article about 2 girls that were adopted and never knew they had a twin until just recently they found each other.

prncssrachel Posted: Mar 09, 2003 10:54 AM

Re: What do I do?

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think that I will keep this to myself. I just don't feel like it is my place to say anything. I mean, it's not my business, and it is entirely possible that his fiance knows about it. I am just not comfortable enough saying something. I would not want to be the catalyst if I were right. I would have to bear the weight of it on my shoulders, and honestly, I do not want to do that. I just needed to get it off my chest. Thank you for listening to me and giving your advice, it means a lot to me.

kmcwed Posted: Mar 09, 2003 11:43 AM

Re: What do I do?

I agree with not getting involved. For all you know, maybe he had a time in his life when he was confused and 'strayed' a little off the path. Could be he experimented and realized he really was straight after all. We never can tell what's behind a persons actions. Bringing this up with his fiance could really ruin things for both of them. Maybe what you saw was innocent in some way...

On the other hand, if his FI ever comes to you with doubts about his sexuality or something she has seen, I say you should be honest with what you know.

My 2 cents.

Km