What do I do with this one??

Okay here's some minor background:

I have had inlaw problems since the beginning of my 10+ year relationship with husband. There has been several let's just say 'breaks' where I have had literally no contact with any of them due to their constant interference in our lives, horrendous actions towards me, etc. These breaks can last anywhere from a few months to almost a year and in the past, I would cave in to my husband's demands to make nice-nice for the sake of the 'family' and apologize to them (for things that I didn't even do) for his benefit. The last official time I spoke to them was in October 2002 when they tried to imply I was having an affair with the guy who was doing our refinance (because he came to my office 2x to have me sign papers and I met up with him at the Deli next door - he works in the same town as I do - to discuss the closing). That was the final straw for me and I shut all of them out of my life completely. Bob only has one brother (who is married with children) and he cut off contact with him at the same time because of this incident when the brother referred to me as a homewrecker, slut, biotch, etc.

Anyhoo....

When MIL found out I was PG, she was less than enthusiastic about the whole thing because after all, a baby would be considered a permanent 'tie' to me, thus her dreams of having me out of Bobby boys life for good are now gone. We had a situation come up in January where there was some long term concerns for the baby's health (due to test results) that might alter the progression of the pregnancy. MIL encouraged Bob to consider term'ing the PG if the final results were not positive (too bad for her, they were and so far baby is fine). Okay, so she's a spiteful witch, what else is new there?

Bob tells me on Sunday (I knew it was coming because he got all quiet and defensive - an early sign that a discussion about his family is on the horizon) that his mother 'feels' bad that she is not involved in the pregnancy. Any information she has found about about the baby comes directly from him. If he choses or not chooses, he provides her with sonogram pics. I offer nothing - why should I?? So he's like 'Well, my mother wants to know if you ever intend to speak to her again?'. Are you kidding? This woman was sitting in MY yard back on Memorial Day weekend and I just happened to come home from an event early. I approached both her and her husband and took the high road since they were visiting my husband in my home and said 'Hello'. Their responses were at that time: The father said nothing, the mother turned her head like the dog had made #2 at her feet. Uh, okay... and now she 'feels' bad because she's not involved? She feels 'uncomfortable' coming to the shower (an invite that I did NOT want to give her - he is insisting on it when it happens) because she knows no one from my side of the family will speak to her. Lady, what do you expect? You treat my mother's daughter like crap and you want her and my aunts to be all snuggly with you?!? It's a hard lesson to her that you reap what you sow.

So now he's trying to 'subtly' make the demand that I once again get down on all fours and kiss the old cow's feet because I'm having HER grandchild. I told him to forget it because at this point I have nothing to lose. If he thinks that subjecting his child's mother to his own mother's constant abuse is promoting a healthy environment for the baby, he can think again. I told him he can push all he wants and pull his usual tantrum over the situation all he wants. And heck, if he wants to leave, he can do that to but he's leaving empty handed (and empty strollered). He is floored that I'm being so unflexible - hey I'm not saying she can't visit and crap, but it's going to be under my terms -not her idea that she will have my child to her home but I'm not welcome there. On Christmas of this year, she sent home gifts for husband and even the pets with NOTHING for me. Not that I expected anything because I didn't, but it really burned my ass when a tray of cookies came in with a sticker across the front 'FOR BOB ONLY' like he is the only one that lives in our home. If she was looking to 'involve herself' she could have used a different approach, no? If it wasn't for the pregnancy, this cold war would have continued for years and years as-is. I know it's burning her a$$ that my mother will be in the delivery room and she will not.

So my question is this: Am I being totally unreasonable? Am I just being biotchy because of the hormones or do you think I'm justified in how I feel about not backing down and letting this woman manipulate her toxic existence back into my life?

Shammee, there is no reason for you to be questioning this, none at all! I completely agree with you 110%. I would NEVER give in to her, you are doing the right thing for you. I could go on and on about what I think of her, but that's not my place... You are a very strong, common grounded person and is absolutely right for standing ground. Good luck with everything and keep us posted...

I agree with you 1000000000000% OMG.. I thought my MIL had her moments, she is nothing compared to the BIOTCH you have to deal with.. Forget her and worry on your baby.. and I'm also commend you on how you handled your husband.. Good luck to you. Please know that you are not crazy and that you are totally on the ball with this situation..

I also totally agree. I can also tell you what can happen after when children are involved.

My IL's who I must say are wonderful to me. Refuse to talk to their daughter's husband. They also live in the same house(2 family house) He is not welcome in their part of the house so he can never come over to watch his children open Christmas presents from us or any other member of My DH's family. He didn't even come to Damien's Baptism because DH parents would be there. (which I told his sister that her husband is more than welcome, but she didn't want to upset her parents) Now what really upsets me is that they all badmouth him in front of his own children. This is not an evil guy, he is just not the brightest bulb and has mad quite a few bad business decisions. Plus the real reason they can't stand him is because his wife runs and tells her parents every little thing about her marriage. So when she makes up with her hubby she forgets what he did but they don't.

I told Steve if their ever comes a time when I am not welcome in his parents house my children will not be welcome either. No one is going to bad mouth me to my children!!

So I agree 100% too!!

Good luck and stand your ground

I have a few questions..Do the inlaws live any where near you or are they far away? This could make all of the difference. An important thing that I have learned is that it is most imperative to keep home life AT home. As much as a Beotch I would like to be, and as insignifcant as I think my in-laws are, they are still the child's grandparent. I don't honestly know. I find sometimes that it is easier to suck it up and deal. It could be much more torturous if she didn't see the child. My inlaws are a pain but I appreciate them much more after I read other people's horror stories!

Good Luck!

Shamee, you are not saying she cannot have a relationship with her g-child, but I do not agree that you should put your feelings out there again. You will be cordial and respectful when you see her, but to go above and beyond again, that is asking way too much of you. What she can't ask or she can't come down off of her high horse?? You stand your ground, let them know you will not be treated like crap and you do deserve to be treated well. All the best to you sweetie. Don't stress yourself over them. They are trying to meddle and live your life for you.

They live near by (two towns over). I'm not saying I won't let them see the baby - they can come to my home and visit but I won't be reduced to 'leaving' as they would like me to when they are there or letting the baby go to their home if I am not welcome there. She does ALOT of underhanded things, like when Bob and his brother cut ties, Bob felt bad because he would miss his nephews, etc. His mother manipulated a situation where she was babysitting them at her house and invited Bob to come see them while the parents were out behind their backs and without their knowledge, yet she told him they said it would be okay. To me, that's totally wrong if the parents specifically DID not want Bob to see the kids and they were furious when they found out (you know how little one's talk). It's situations like those that make me want to limit their contact with the baby, especially since they can never seem to find a kind word about me.

When I was a child, my mother's FIL treated her 3x worse than my MIL does to me and we all felt it and knew that something was 'different' in the way my Mom was treated to the way my aunts and cousins were treated. Not that they were mean to us per say, but we could tell the things he said were wrong when everyone would be laughing as he openly insulted my Mom and she would end up crying in the bathroom. How is that benefiting the child, to subject them to one of their parents being openly insulted/humiliated? They are petty, small people and I'll be damned if I'm going to let them infect my kid with their venomous, ignorant ideas and behaviors.

Sharon, I just wanted to offer some support. This was a bad situation from the beginning, and unfortunately, having a child is only going to complicate matters for ALL those involved - including yourself.

You mention that your MIL was not initially happy about your pregnancy b/c it presented an irreversible 'tie' to you. Well I've got news for you - that works both ways. Because of your child, you will be forever tied to your in-laws. As someone else mentioned, they are the child's grandparents and that is a fact you most certainly cannot deny.

I agree that you should set your own terms - even those of us with supportive and loving in-laws have to do that from time to time. I definitely do not think that you should make a habit of apologizing to these people for your own feelings or falling on your sword to stay in good graces for your hubby's sake. That is ridiculous.

Is there any hope that you can bury the hatchett with this woman? I mean, can you have it out with her and put the issues behind you both? I really do wonder how you will handle this in the long term, given the fact that they've been so insanely mean and hurtful to you. Once the baby is here, this issue is going to come up again and again, with every holiday and event related to the baby's life, they are going to want to be a part of it. I think you need to have a plan on how you are going to address these things with your DH first, and then with them. I wish you the best.

OMG! I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU 150%

I too have my 'feelings' about my ILs...and I agree if you can't get along with ME and respect ME as YOUR grandchild's MOTHER , then you don't have anything to do with my kid! period the END.

Your not asking for your MIL to be your best friend, you just want the respect you deserve!

You stick to your guns honey..if you give in now you will ruin it for years to come. Good Luck..

p.s. My OWN Mother hasn't seen her grandchild yet (Mia is 6 months) until she learns to respect me and my husband we will re-evaluate the situation.

Claud - as always, your focus is so on the ball and accurate

This was probably my biggest/top concern going into this phase of my life. I knew that I would forever be tied to these people. When they first found out and their reaction was apparent, I was somewhat relieved thinking they would want no involvement with the baby because it was a part of me. But as time has worn on, and the pregnancy becomes more 'real' to those involved (including my husband), all of a sudden her maternal needs are kicking in and she's insisting on her 'grandmotherly rights'.

These sebaticals within our relationship are so routine at this point, nothing ever seems to change. Things will come to a head (I'll have had enough and blow my lid), a falling out will ensue, silence for months/up to a year and then the big 'talk/reconcilation' which involves me apologizing to her for feeling like she was stepping on my toes, insulting me, singling me out, making me feel excluded, etc. Never in any of the (4) 'breaks' in the relationship has she ever assumed responsibility and I always have to apologize to her for 'misunderstanding' her intentions. Come on, tell me how I misunderstood her NOT inviting me to my husband's birthday 3 years in a row (the year before we were married, the year we were married and the following year) because SIL (brother's wife) didn't like me?!? Granted, it's not all her fault, Bob is to blame for allowing this scenario to play out for as long as it has, but there is no way I could have misinterpreted years and years of slights, innuendos and abuse that others have been direct witness to? I want the cycle to end, period and if not having direct contact with his parents is the only way to find peace in our marriage, then that's the way it has to be.

I called his parents a few weeks ago because I could not reach him on his cellphone and I was having an emergency with one of the dogs - had to be rushed to the 24 hour vet. She picked up and said 'Hello?' and I was like 'Good evening MIL, this is Sharon. May I please speak to Bob?' in the most calm and polite tone I could muster. I sounded like a damn telemarketer and she found something in that to ***** to him about! If she wanted to 'smooth things over' or ask about the pregancy, there was her chance instead of saying in a snotty tone 'WELL here he IS!!'.

OH NO

This BIOTCH has done so much to you already, now she expects you to make nice...When she treats you with the respect you deserve then MAYBE!!

Stand your ground Sharon, the 'For Bob Only' cooky sticker really takes the

Sharon, I'm just so sorry you have to deal with this horrid situation when you should be thinking nothing but of the joys your child will bring...

Sharon, I am just horrified at how terrible your MIL is - the sticker on the cookies is something I cannot even find the right words for.

I agree with you 150%...yes, she is the grandmother, but she owes you at the very least the respect you deserve for being the mother of her grandchild...visits & the relationship with the child should definitely be on your terms and you should never ever ever be excluded from a family event if your child is included.

This woman will unfortunately learn that you are correct - you reap what you sow. It's a shame that you must deal with this kind of stress during what should be such a happy time in your life. I can't offer much advice except to stick to your guns, continue to give her the minimal respect she deserves as the mother of your husband, and take her crap with a grain of salt...man, good luck to you!!

wow...this is a tricky one.

I have a really healthy does of IL problems. And I could do the back and forth bantering, and the morbid background and all the underhanded comments and so on..but what I have found it comes down to is me and DH setting boundaries and making decisions together on how to handle these issues. In my opinion he should be saying - Mom it's totally inappropriate to write For Bob Only on the cookies. Grow up or don't send me gifts anymore. Either you are going to include my wife, and be an adult, or we are going to have to really sit down and hash this thing out.

I know it's almost impossible to expect this from your husband, but it's a hard road to go alone. Believe me - I try every day and it only gets harder. And now with the baby here things are complicated beyond belief.

i completely agree that you should stand your ground. But I also think your husband and you should really sit down and try to figure out a way to work through this together.This should not be your cross to bear alone.

I think you are 1 million% right. There is NO making this woman happy. I think you've done more than enough and now maybe she'll realize that her being such a biotch has given her limited time in her grandchilds life.

Good luck

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Posted by Shamee

but it really burned my ass when a tray of cookies came in with a sticker across the front 'FOR BOB ONLY' like he is the only one that lives in our home.

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holy crap!!!! what a nasty woman! You are 100% right not to want to be involvd with her!

As downright sickening as your MIL's behavior is, what I find almost as disturbing is the behavior of your husband. It is his duty as your life partner to not only defend you against such hurtful and insulting actions but to refuse to tolerate it. Obviously he's not doing the latter; does he even do the former?

I'm sorry to be so negative, but I don't see how you'll have a trace of your sanity left at the end of this road without your DH's support.

I remember your previous problems and my heart goes out to you. This has been a long road for you with a new chapter about to begin that promises issues that must overwhelm you. You must have had counseling already; either way, maybe you should try again?

I don't have a lot of advice to add to what the ladies have already said. Stand your ground. I can only hope your DH will begin to stand it with you.