What should I do? (sorry lil long)

I have a friend in Florida who I've been friends with since the 1st grade. We obviously don't see each other at all but we talk every few months to keep each other posted with our lives. Now when I got engaged I asked her to be in the BP and of course she accepted. Here's the problem: I want to take her out and put someone in that I'm equally closer to but see more often b/c they live near me. I want her in the BP but I keep thinking about the dress issue, where her and her BF are gonna stay when they come in, and all that other stuff that goes along with it. I want to tell her but just don't want her to get mad and not talk to me. Of course I'm gonna invite her but just don't find it possible for her to be in the BP.

Now the other day she called me and told me that she was engaged and she's getting married 1/21/06 and asked me to be in her BP. I accepted but didn't want to b/c it's b4 my wedding and is going to be too much money for me to afford. I'd rather just be invited and not be in the BP. She lives in Tampa and the wedding is in West Plam Beach (3 hrs away). So that means that I'd have to get the dress, hotel room, plane tickets, and a car b/c how are FH and I gonna get around. Plus I was also thinking about the weather (look what happened this weekend) I don't want to tell her yes and can't make it b/c of the weather.

Do you think I should just keep her in mine and I remain in her BP or kick her out?

If you agree with me then how can I tell her in a polite way w/o feelings getting involved?

Or if someone can change my mind about the whole issue then that'll be great too lol

All opinions welcomed +/-

TIA
Kim

well, here's my 2 cents:

as for her in your wedding party, i would not ask her to step down. you can discuss your concerns, that's fair and valid communication, but you made a commitment by asking her and should honor it. to incorporate your other friend you may have to make your BP larger.

as for you accepting, if you've thought over the costs and cannot afford them with your wedding coming up, then let her know. she may perhaps then step down from yours (solving issue number one), but in the end you have to do what you can afford. she should understand. let her know you'd love to attend her wedding but all of the expectations and obligations of being in it are something you can't afford right now but you are honored to be asked.

again, just my two cents.

Why can't you have both her and the other friend?

I think it is kind of rude (JMO) to kick someone out after you have already asked them...and why not just try to keep costs low for yours and ask her to do the same? There are ways to keep prices down....you don't need to rent a car for hers...try to be close enough to everything to take a taxi (or do you need to be in Tampa and West Palm?)

I would be terribly hurt if someone asked me to be a BM and then 'unasked' me...

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Posted by Jamie&MarkSept.'05

Why can't you have both her and the other friend?

I think it is kind of rude (JMO) to kick someone out after you have already asked them...and why not just try to keep costs low for yours and ask her to do the same? There are ways to keep prices down....you don't need to rent a car for hers...try to be close enough to everything to take a taxi (or do you need to be in Tampa and West Palm?)

I would be terribly hurt if someone asked me to be a BM and then 'unasked' me...

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It's not really the issue of having someone else in the BP it's really the money and craziness that's involved in having out of towners in the BP.
I don't even know how that works with out of towners

Kimmy:

You must think she is a special friend for you to have asked her to be in your BP in the first place. It doesn't sound as if you asked her out of obligation. I don't think you should change it now. You will only hurt her feelings and possibly hurt your friendship.

Also, if she was willing to come here and stand up for you, I am sure that she was fully aware that she would have to pay for flight, accomodations, etc.

Her wedding is a long time before your wedding and you will probably recover financially by then.

If you really can not afford to go to Florida (not just don't want to pay to go) then you should be honest with her about that. You could always segway into the fact that you didn't think of the expenses on her part as well for her being in your BP. Maybe she will tell you she can't afford it either now that she is getting married too.

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Posted by KimmyKim7481

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Posted by Jamie&MarkSept.'05

Why can't you have both her and the other friend?

I think it is kind of rude (JMO) to kick someone out after you have already asked them...and why not just try to keep costs low for yours and ask her to do the same? There are ways to keep prices down....you don't need to rent a car for hers...try to be close enough to everything to take a taxi (or do you need to be in Tampa and West Palm?)

I would be terribly hurt if someone asked me to be a BM and then 'unasked' me...

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It's not really the issue of having someone else in the BP it's really the money and craziness that's involved in having out of towners in the BP.
I don't even know how that works with out of towners

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they have to make a lot of extra effort, but it comepletely do able! and it might be a little more headache for you, but isn't having your friends with you on your day worth it? i have two in mine who live in my homestate of TX and wouldn't change it for the world!

Hey KimmyKim, I found you!! Mention it to your friend, she might be relieved to hear that she does not have to be in your BP, and can just show up as a guest, meaning she can skip out on rehersal dinner, and shower scene, since she is saving for her own wedding now.

eta: I did not have 1 BM living in my state..they were in 4 different states and worked out fine. just needed their measurements.

i went to the store and filled out cards for each girl with their name, contact info and the style/color of the dress. then the girls called in thier measurements and gave their CC #. they are shipping the dresses to them and the girls can have them altered where they live. it also helped that the salon i worked with assigned me a particular sales rep so she knew me and my needs each time i called.

i have bridemaids in 4 different states too
we are ordering dresses online - they all tried the dress on that 3 picked by going to a local salon - they got sized

then i went onto the knot and went to the local board where each lived and found a seamstress close to each of them

it can be done- you can also have her buy the dress from the store that you buy thema nd have the alterations done in florida

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Posted by Janice

Hey KimmyKim, I found you!! Mention it to your friend, she might be relieved to hear that she does not have to be in your BP, and can just show up as a guest, meaning she can skip out on rehersal dinner, and shower scene, since she is saving for her own wedding now.

eta: I did not have 1 BM living in my state..they were in 4 different states and worked out fine. just needed their measurements.

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Hi Janice lol tell Leo I said hi and thanks for the site I'm addicted lol:

I know everyone is right and really want her in the BP I just think about all the negative things (just how I am lol) I am gonna keep her in b/c I'm not that mean lol and wouldn't unask her I just wanted ppl's opinions on this.

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Posted by KimmyKim7481

I really do want her as my BM but how does the OOT thing work with the dresses I'm clueless with that?

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I feel really strongly that your bridal party should be made up of people who mean the most to you, not who are geographically desirable. I've been in 3 weddingsf which were 'out of state' for me. It is no problem at all to get the dresses. You just have the person send you their measurements when you order all of the dresses. Have the dress shipped to her.

Please don't 'uninvite' her from your bridal party b/c of distance. She knew that she would have to travel and may even be excited for it!

If you feel overwhelmed by being in her bp, just be honest with her, but I agree with the other girls that you should not cut her out of yours. You can easily just add this other friend on.

There is no real polite way of saying listen you live too far and I don't want the added aggrivation of you being in the bridal party now. You have been friends with this girl since you were 1 and thought enough of her to ask her to be in the BP BEFORE the other friend. That means something. BM dresses are easy. You find a dress up here with your BP and then tell her the manufacturer and style number and she goes to a salon in FL and buys it there...done.

As far as being in her bridal party only you can make the decision...but honestly if one of my friends told me they couldn't be in it because it was a YEAR before mine (and she was too busy and it was too expensive) I'd be insulted especially since she was going out of her way to be in yours.

You need to think hard about how you would feel if you lost this friend because it could be a very real possibility with hurt feelings.

Kim,

One of my BM is OOT too; what I did with my girls was arranged a weekend to go dress shopping in NY. First, I asked each of my girls individually what their dress budget was and only looked for dresses in the lowest girls price range. I then booked a weekend for the OOT girl to visit and had her stay with me in the apartment. (She only had to pay for her train ride up and back) I picked her up and b/t my parents and I her food and local transportation costs were covered.
I then asked the other two girls to reserve that same weekend for BM dress shopping.

Once we had a weekend booked, I went 'shopping' for BM dresses on my own. I tried on a lot of them while looking for my own dress too. I selected a few that I liked at a couple of different stores and made appointments at 4 different bridal salons for that reserved weekend with my girls. Then the day that I had reserved for dress shopping we went and looked at all the dresses I had picked. I asked them what they thought a good BM dress looked like and we took it from there. I had a fabric and a color in mind and from what was available we selected a dress for the three of them. It was not one of the dresses that I had selected, but we all loved it.

As for keeping costs down come the time of the wedding, the OOT BM is staying at my parents house with me. She will have to pay for her transportation down here, but with over a year and a half notice she could find inexpensive tickets. When she comes to visit for any of the other events she can stay with us too. One of the things that might happen so that her costs are reduced is that all the events (shower/Jack & Jill party/BM luncheon) get compacted into one weekend instead of spreading everything out over a few weekends.

Yes, her expenses will be slightly higher that those for my other BMs but she is a great friend and she knows that when her time comes to get married I will do the same for her wedding.

Good luck!
L

JMO but to ask someone to be in your BP and THEN to find it inconvient is going to hurt her feelings and strain if not end your friendship. For you to accept to be in her BP and then again find it inconvient will also hurt her feelings. Is all of that necessary? I would just explain that it is gonna be tight so there will be somethings you wont be able to do.
My sister and my stepdaughter both live in fla. and they are going to a bridal store there to get there dresses.