What to do with MOH a week before wedding? (long - update)

This week has been hectic for me, to say the least. I'm getting married next weekend and trying to get so many things done beforehand. This past Wednesday, my sister (the MOH) calls to tell me that her friends who were supposed to babysit my 2-year old niece said that they were uncomfortable with the idea and backed out because my sister and BIL would be two hours away. Back in November, we told my sister that my niece is invited to the RD, after wedding party, but not the wedding, and she agreed. Two cousins of ours had a friend each who were willing to babysit and my aunt and uncle (they're not married to each other - different side of the family) said that they trust these friends to babysit in their (aunt and uncle) own home. These potential babysitters are 22 and 23 years old. I offered to pay the babysitters money, so my sister did not have to carry the financial burden. My sister told me a couple of months ago that her friend would watch my niece for the whole weekend. I thought the situation was settled.

As I mentioned before, my sister called me Wednesday to tell me her friend backed out. Then she said that she and her husband are uncomfortable with having strangers (cousins' friends) watch my niece. I said, 'So does that mean you're bringing Haylee (niece) to the wedding?' and she responded, 'Well, otherwise we can't go.' I then explained that I needed to talk with FI as I cannot make this decision by myself. I also asked her to understand that we told other friends of ours that their children are not invited as we are having an adult reception.

I am so numb at this point. I told FI and he was so angry. He does not want children at our wedding. We are paying a lot of money to have the wedding we want and we want no children. I'm also very angry because I feel that my sister gave me an ultimatum - either my niece is going to be at the wedding or they can't come. (they are traveling from North Carolina). One BM observed at my shower that my sister seemed to be insanely jealous. She was supposed to have a wedding last July but had to get married earlier due to Sept. 11. She is my younger sister and has felt this need to be the first to do things: be the first to get married, have the first grandchild, which she did accomplish. I personally don't care for this competition and try not to get involved. However, I am able to have a wedding (of which we are paying for most of it) and go on a nice HM and since she was not able to do this, I think (and my BM agrees) that she is trying to get some sort of attention or something. I also think she feels that she is not living the 'ideal' life (my sister is very into the perfect life where you get married, having 2 kids, a house with a white picket fence, and a dog). She got pregnant one month into a relationship, had the baby, married the baby's father 12 days later in city hall by the Justice of the Peace, and is raising her daughter as well as her husband's three kids, two of whom do not live with them. Money's a bit tight, as it would be for most people who have children, but instead of embracing what she has, she makes comments about my brother and I, about how nice it must be to order Chinese food for lunch, or how mice it must be to go out drinking every Friday night. She gladly accepted to be the MOH when I asked her in the fall, but now she's saying that unless her daughter can go to the wedding, she may not be able to come.

What advice can you give me? I really don't want to create a rift with my sister, but allowing my niece to attend the wedding would make my FI so angry (and I have to admit I may be a bit resentful as well). My parents are pretty ****ed with her, but my mother can't help with the situation because her mother is dying and she's dealing with that. I appreciate you reading this very long post because I don't know what to do. I posted last weekend how I can't stop crying because I felt so overwhlemed and I actually did stop and felt better until Wednesday when my sister called.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this right before your wedding, its hORRIBLE. I know it must be hard because it is your sister, but I would try to talk with her again and let her know that you and FI can't allow the baby beacsue it would offend others who were told they could not bring their kids. Maybe your mom or another family member could speak with her and tell her taht she is acrting pretty selfish right now.

Good Luch

I'm so sorry to hear your story.
Where are his parents? Can't they watch her?
Not for nothing, I do not think it's fair of your sister to call you a week and 1/2 before your wedding and basically offer you an ultimatum. Isn't she old enough to solve her own problems and know that she should not be bothering the bride at this time? I would be furious! Be it as it may, it happened an no sense wasting energy over the fact.
All I can offer you is... to offer her other suggestions. Seems like you tried that, but if she's not comfortable w/ the cousins friends, who else is there in N.C? I do not think you and FI should have to change a decision you made to accomodate her situation. Especially since you told other relatives/friends- it's an adult only reception. There has to be another solution than her bringing Haylee to the reception. Good luck!!!! & try not to stress too ooooo much! It'll all work out, always does!

To keep peace in your family and keep your adult only reception, you should contact your hall and ask if they have a recommended babysitter on the premises. Haylee could enjoy SOME of the party and then someone could come take her to a room in the hall and keep her out of everyone else's hair for the night. I'll bet your banquet manager could help you. Good luck!

OMG, I am sorry to hear that, Claudia I don't have much advice, but have you tried having your parents intervene a bit? You absolutely do not deserve this utimatum and I can't believe your sister is doing this to you!!! Another option is that the father of the baby babysits, while the sister goes to the wedding, but I am not sure they would like this idea... many many to you!!!

Many hugs to you - you do not need this stress the week before your wedding and you definitely should not cry over her. Her ulitmatium was straight out wrong. She is your sister and MOH and should not burden you with her issue. She should respect your right to have your wedding the way you like. Unfortunately, family doesn't always feel the same.

That being said I would throw it back to her or offer suggestions. I would say FI and I decided together to make this an adult wedding and granting this to you would make things very difficult on us. I ask that you pease try to solve this because you are my MOH and sister and I want you at my wedding. You are offered someone's services and you do not like that option and it is not right to impose this on me at this time. Hopefully, she will be mature enough to make the right decision!!

I really like alina's suggestion - that the husband stay home and she come!

I think it's sort of crappy that she had to spring this on last minute- she should have thought of some back-up plans. However- I also would never leave my kids (when I have them) with people I don't know... it's just too risky a chance and they are children, not puppies...

I understand your desire to have no children at the wedding- but this is your sister! Despite the issues that you have (sounds like there's heavy history here) you just need to be the bigger person here. Maybe you can hire someone to take care of your niece at the hall?

Most of my family traveled to my wedding from Florida and I had all my nieces and nephews at the wedding- but they are all super well behaved & I didn't even notice they were there the whole night.

In a way I agree with Sassy. She is your sister and I understand that you are paying for most of the wedding and all and want no children. But I personally, would have my nieces and nephews at my wedding. That is just me.
Unless you have other brothers and sisters and your FH's siblings, don't have children, what would be the big deal if you only have one child there? In this situation (and I really hate this comment) you should be the better person. I don't know how your family is but if my sister was not at my wedding, it would be the biggest talk of the century. So to avoid all of that, I would allow the child at the wedding. I think that your guests would understand. Its not like its your friend's child. She is your niece.
How about trying to get say one of your friend's mom's to watch her that evening or someone close to you that you are not inviting to the wedding that wouldn't mind helping you out? In that case, your sister may not know the person but you do? Or someone suggested having the dad watch her that weekend. So sorry she sprung this on you now. She should know better. Hugs to you.
Edited for grammar.

OK, the exact thing happened in my family...My step-brother was getting married and they were having an adult only reception, no kids at all. So they have my step-sister as a bridesmaid and she has a 1 year old child at the time of the wedding. She says no problem I wont bring the baby, why would I want to (she said this when she was 8 months pregnant, in the planning stages). Then it comes to 2 months b4 their wedding and she flips out bc she can't bring her baby...which she had no problem with earlier. Needless to say it became a HUGE battle. She and her husband dropped out of the wedding party and brought the baby BUT under the condition that the baby stayed in the bridal suite the entire party. I know my step-sister had a miserable time, she sat in the bridal suite all night...but she had plenty of other options. I feel you need to do what you want. I was proud that my step-brother & his wife stood their ground and had their day the way they wanted. I also had this situation with my hubbies 2 sisters (who have 5 little girls between them). We simple explained the wedding was for adults and offered to get sitters for them. Luckily in our case things worked out.....Good Luck

We are having a no children wedding... we are not even having FG or RB. If my friend from Ireland can find a sitter.....


At anyrate, you should do what you want to do. A wedding is a long day for a child & they are being told 'no' all day. No, don't run, climb, play...etc. They don't have any fun either.

Only one couple in my BP has kids & they are sending them away with her mother for the weekend. I originally invited her parents, but they decided it was best for her parents to stay home & take the kids.

I hope everything works out for you.

im soo sorry.. hugs for you If you took time and decided to have an adult reception you should definately keep it that way. You have been more than reasonable to offer her a babysiter for the night... have kids at a wedding 99% of kids are impossible, they are running around, screaming etc... plus at 2 years old she would probably get cranky at bed time but not want to miss all the action...
the only other thing you can offer which hotelcallie said is to get a babysitter which will stay with the kid in the bridal suite.. the only problem with that is the girl may start screaming for her parents, and end up at the reception..
If I were you I would just stick to your decision...she shouldnt be causing you this stress at the last moment... If she doesnt go its HER loss, and it'll be one less jealous person at your wedding

I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. That is horrible.


Is it possible to have someone (that friend) come to the wedding and watch your niece perhaps in the bridal suite. With the understanding that your niece is not to be brought into the wedding itself. I know that it ****s to have to go through the expense but to keep the peace for now it might work. Good luck!!

to you. i'm so sorry your sister is putting you through this! i'm free the day of the wedding - i'll watch your niece for you!!!

i think the other girls have a good suggestion - get a sitter to stay in the bridal suite - that way your sister can check on her frequently, but there won't be a child at your reception. i am also against small children at formal affairs, so i feel for you!!

I spoke with my sister last night. She said that no one told her that there was someone lined up. I know my mother and I told her on several occasions that we had people lined up, but she never gave us a definite answer until a couple of weeks ago, the answer being that my niece would stay upstate with my sister's friend. She kept on saying that we never gave her the opportunity to meet the babysitters. First, my sister never mentioned that she wanted to meet them (though I can see her point of meeting them) and secondly, she lives in North Carolina! I hope she wasn't expecting me to fly them down there! She did come up here to visit twice and never mentioned anything - in fact, she didn't want to hear anything about the wedding in general. So, when I suggested I talk with a cousin to see if her friend is still available for Saturday and invite her to the RD to meet my sister and niece, I was told it was not good enough. What the heck am I supposed to do????

I found out later during this conversation that my BIL is the one who is uncomfortable with the idea of leaving Haylee with a stranger. Apparently my BIL assumed that my sister knew these potential babysitters personally but when he found out that she didn't, he had a fit. Then he said 'to keep the peace in the family, I will stay with her in the hotel room.' What peace is he keeping?! Now my sister is miserable because she wants her husband there at the wedding but he will be in a hotel room instead. So she will mope during the whole wedding (though my father said that her moping is not a concern of mine).

I like the suggestion of hiring someone to stay in the bridal suite on the day of the wedding. She can drop my niece off at the reception for the last two hours (maybe after her nap?). Also, the babysitter and niece are on the premises so my sister and BIL can check on her periodically. Thank you for all of your suggestions and for listening! I'm losing sleep over this!!!

First of all

Seond of all - its your wedding. I agree that the ultimatum is horrible, but IMO - you tell MOH that you and DF have decided that there won't be children a the wedding. I have a sister who is somewhat like that and the only way to deal with her is with a firm hand. Be polite & respectful, but FIRM

good luck