what would you do? (long)

My parents and I have always had a strained relationship. My mom was abusive and controlling, and my dad would go along with whatever she said. It was a long and depressing struggle with them and I even tried to get conseuling for all of us in high school. It didnt' work (they were offended, mom didn't speak to me for months) and when college time came around, they refused to pay for my education. I had to pay off most of my tuition bill and attend a nearby cuny. In any event, it all escalated with other issues, and I couldn't take living with them anymore. So I moved in with my now FH whom I am marrying in 13 days. This was back in 2000/2001.

We didn't speak for a couple of years, they never tried to contact me until my grandma became ill. My dad acted like nothing had happened,didn't address the issues. So I eventually brought it up, b/c I need resolution. We were still shaky and then we stopped speaking for a while, because of the denial issues.
The second time around I just let it go, didn't bring up the issues, thought it was the only way. FH and I get engaged. They don't ask us how plans are coming, don't even mention the wedding when I talk to them. Just plain aren't happy for us.They are rude to my FH' dad. They bad mouth family members I am friendly with. (They don't get along with a lot of the family). I couldn't take the lack of happiness and negativety from them. We got into a huge fight when I bring this up and we go out to eat, trying to sort it out I figure. My mom ignores me the whole time. Later that night I explode about how nothing is going to get resolved if mom doesn't talk to me....well that was that. My dad told me I should be having a huge wedding to begin with. I hang up and don't speak to him for months.

Then I see them at a family get together and decide to be mature, for the wedding b/c it would be weird and unfortunate not to have them there, after all I do love them, they are my parents. They still don't make a ton of effort on mentioning the wedding, but my dad says he wants to help out and be a part of my day.

Okay. So I try to get my mom involved, take her dress shopping for her dress, take her to see mine...well she couldn't be less interested. She barely spoke to me at my shower, or at my engagement party two weeks ago. Now I hear (thru other family members) they are upset my brother isn't in the bridal party. My brother never calls me and never even congratulated me on my engagement, and never shows up to things I invite him to. He is going to be announced at the wedding, and I figure thats good enough.

So now they haven't called me in the last two weeks. They knew I was freaked about a few wedding mishaps, god forbid they see how they got sorted out. I mention I can't afford a RD- FH and I are paying for everything- nothing is offered. They still havent' mentioned how they plan on 'helping out'. Seems all that is happening is my dad is trying in his way, my mom is super pissed that I'm having the wedding she didn't, and I am freaked that there will be drama on my wedding day. I was already so upset when I found out my mom didn't rsvp to my shower, she had to be tracked down by my FSIL if she was coming or not. Not to mention she bought me something for $50 bucks on my registry, that was it- no card, no wishing well item, nada, zip.

I just feel like they will always be mad at me or that I'm always doing something wrong. I really could use their help emotionally as well as monetarily and I think if I at least got the emotional part it wouldn't hurt so much that they have given us nothing, and me nothing all my life. 13 days before my wedding, and they know I'm hurting from paying and doing so much.
Should I say something? Or should I just call them and act like nothing is wrong, see how it all plays out?

I really don't want to ask them for money. Its a weird situation but its so wrong to me when they gloat about the third car they are about to buy but don't ask 'honey, is everything all right with the wedding? do you need help?'



sorry if this post was too long or confusing for you. I guess I just needed to let that out.

Well, you've been really patient with them and it sounds like you really put up with a lot. Personally, I wouldn't even want them at my wedding at this point. Be strong!!

I think you've done everything you could do to make ammends with them and have them be a part of your day...I would just focus on the fact that you are going to be marrying the love of your life in 13 days...I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this - esp this close to your wedding...I wish you nothing but the best...

Wow I'm really sorry. What a crappy thing. Parents really should be an integral part of your day but they sound like they won't put forth any effort for you.

I think you should leave it alone. If it's been this many years and they haven't seen the err of their ways, no matter what you tried, they probably won't now. I think it will add to your stress and resentment of them and you don't need that now.

Do you need a rehearsal dinner? I thought that was something that traditionally the groom's parents pay for. We had a rehearsal but not a dinner, so it didn't come up with us.

Again, I'm sorry. Good luck with everything, it's only a few weeks away!

I am so sorry they are treating you like this. From what you wrote, it seems no matter what you do, you will not win with them. Is it really worth it to you to be in debted to them? Your Dads saying he wants to help and be a part of the day but it's his actions that matter, not the words. I'm sorry if it seems I'm being harsh. I can't stand it when family members (or anyone for that matter) can't step outside of themselves and be happy for family members especially when it is their own child. You should be very proud of yourself for standing up for what is right and being strong enough to not let them drag you down. I would not do anything at this point and let their actions speak for themselves. You will have a fabulous day no matter what.

First off .

Second I sort of understand where you are coming from, as I have several family members that haven't spoken to one another in 20+ years.
Congrats on being such a big person and trying to resolve everything and put it behind you and move on. But, I think you've done ALL you can do. Yes it would be nice if they were there for you - but with all the effort you've made to this point to no avail, I think anymore will just drain YOU further.

I wouldn't call or do anything. Just leave it be and KNOW that YOU did all you could. Then live happily ever after with your FH. Living well is always better than the alternative.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this...I cant imagine why they are acting like this...It is very much there loss. Be strong...sounds like you always have been... just keep thinking about how wonderful your life with yoru FH is going to be...

i am so sorry you are going through this.

the only words of wisdom i can give is...the only person you can control/change.... is YOU.
meaning... they will not change who they are unless THEY want to.
you can only work on yourself... through therapy or counseling.... on how to deal with unresolved issues about people who will not be involved.

this is so hard to learn and to really feel. i went to counseling fo ryears bc of similar things that you have gone through..and now i can honestly say i have done everything i could...and it is their loss.

you can still love your parents for giving birth to you..but you dont have to LIKE THEM or accept cruelty anymore. you are a grown up and about to be a married woman. you DESERVE more respect from strangers..not to mention relatives.

i wish you well and i hope you can find peace in whatever form in comes in.

xoxo jenn

I am so sorry. You have been nothing but patient with your parents and should continue to do so. You are the bigger person. I wouldn't ask for $ if it was me-because they may hold it over you later in life. Any bills you have after the wedding-use your wedding $ to pay them off. Good luck!

Thank you all for your advice and kind words. I really appreciate it. I agree, I am definately not going to ask them for anything, help, money, or otherwise. I thought about the fact that they will have that over my head always, and will be in debt to them, and I don't need it. My FSIL has offered to help out if we need anything, and she has been fantastic and is like sister I never had. I'm so happy to have her as my MOH.
As for the RD, its not really necessary, and we aren't about to ask my FH's dad. He has enough to worry about with paying his bills and stuff. I think it bothers him that he can't help us out more, and I wouldn't want to stress him out. I just thought it would be nice gesture on my parents part, since my mom knew about my shower and didn't offer any of her help.....

When it all comes down to it, it will be a great day. I can't wait to marry my sweetie, and my day will be perfect no matter what. I doubt my mom will do anything the day of and make herself look bad. But I don't think I will able to control myself if she does say something really hurtful, that will just push me over the top....

Thank you again