What would you do? UPDATED

As some of you know, my DH and I moved to NJ. It's about an hour and a half from Queens, where my friends and family are. One couple that we are friends with for years and years, we have invited over several times since we moved. They always have an exscuse but we know the real reason is that they dont want to drive to NJ is that no one from Queens or LI ever wants to LOL no offense to anyone . Any time they invite us to Queens we always make the trip.

So - this Saturday they are having their daughters 1st b-day party. My DH and I are having a GTG at our house the following weekend and they are not coming. (Made up an exscuse). Now my DH is saying we shouldnt make an effort or spend $ etc. I know 2 wrongs dont make a right - and its not the baby's fault - but part of me is thinking 'why do i always go out of my way?'

Would you go?

ETA Updated: I e-mailed my friend again bc i never heard back from her and this is what she wrote:

'You never got my response. I’m sorry I can’t go we actually have a party that day.'

What??? Ok, if you really did have a party that day you would have told me in the first place! Obviously they do not want to make the effort to come 'all the way' to NJ.
Now, I told my DH and he is pissed and says we are not going to their party now - forget it. Why should we spend the time and $? Problem is, I already RSVP'd yes.

hmm...if you asked me this 6months ago - I would have said go - but after my wedding and a few similar events as yours - I would say don't go.

Unfortunately it might hurt the friendship - but a real friendship is two sided - not one sided. It seems to me like they aren't making an effort with you - why should you be the only one?

This is something I have to admit my husband taught me - cause I was always going out of my way and being taken advantage of...it's really not fair to you.

In the future why dont you make plans with them to meet them in the city - or somewhere in the middle...but I wouldn't go out of my way until they started to make more of an effort.

I thought that exact same thing.....yes - i totally want to remain friends with them, we've been friends since HS. But a friendship works both ways, ya know?

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Posted by MrsTC

As some of you know, my DH and I moved to NJ. It's about an hour and a half from Queens, where my friends and family are. One couple that we are friends with for years and years, we have invited over several times since we moved. They always have an exscuse but we know the real reason is that they dont want to drive to NJ is that no one from Queens or LI ever wants to LOL no offense to anyone . Any time they invite us to Queens we always make the trip.

So - this Saturday they are having their daughters 1st b-day party. My DH and I are having a GTG at our house the following weekend and they are not coming. (Made up an exscuse). Now my DH is saying we shouldnt make an effort or spend $ etc. I know 2 wrongs dont make a right - and its not the baby's fault - but part of me is thinking 'why do i always go out of my way?'

Would you go?

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They've never been to your home since you moved? That's just wrong!

If they are a close friend, I would probably go to the 1st birthday. I agree with you that two wrongs don't make a right.

But I would ask them why they can never seem to come for a visit and explain that you and DH are hurt by their lack of action. If they react really negatively I might reconsider the party since friendship does go both ways and from what you are saying they are not putting forth too much effort.

Don't go...believe me...I know exactly how you feel.

It's not right that you have to go out of your way ALL the time in order to maintain your friendships. Let them see how it feels...maybe then they'll realize that they also need to make an effort.

You are right that 2 wrongs don't make a right but here's another cliche for ya - friendship is a two way street. If you keep making the drive to see them...there's never going to be a reason for them to drive to NJ to see you. And if the drive from Queens to NJ is so hard for them...wouldn't it be just as hard for you and DH?

I would go to the party but either 1) leave early (conspiciously early), saying 'oh you know how the bad the traffic is..' or 2) go, and have fun, leave when you want, but don't bother visiting them anymore for the time being. If they get offended, then it's their loss not yours.

updated

while i agree that this friendship will taper off because of the distance, i would say, let it taper off naturally.

Since you already RSVP'ed yes, you're kinda obligated to go. Whether or not they've made up lame excuses in the past to not come is irrelevant. They are spending money for a party with a certain number of people in mind. Backing out at the last minute is just wrong, unless it's truly legit (i.e. sickness). And I would never make up a lie about being sick (bad karma). The friendship will be hurt and it will look as though you're being petty, playing tit for tat and will look like the bad guys. And like you said, the baby is innocent.

I would suck it up and go, and bring a gift. After the party, invite them one more time. If they make up an excuse, don't invite them again. Limit the emails and phone calls. Then when the next birthday rolls around, you probably will not be invited and it will because you both mutually have grown apart and not because of hard feelings.

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Posted by don424

while i agree that this friendship will taper off because of the distance, i would say, let it taper off naturally.

Since you already RSVP'ed yes, you're kinda obligated to go. Whether or not they've made up lame excuses in the past to not come is irrelevant. They are spending money for a party with a certain number of people in mind. Backing out at the last minute is just wrong, unless it's truly legit (i.e. sickness). And I would never make up a lie about being sick (bad karma). The friendship will be hurt and it will look as though you're being petty, playing tit for tat and will look like the bad guys. And like you said, the baby is innocent.

I would suck it up and go, and bring a gift. After the party, invite them one more time. If they make up an excuse, don't invite them again. Limit the emails and phone calls. Then when the next birthday rolls around, you probably will not be invited and it will because you both mutually have grown apart and not because of hard feelings.

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I totally agree with you Don - but my DH is very very very pissed and does not want either of us to go. I may have to go by myself.

give it time -- this email just happened

i know i get really mad and then get over it

and then if he doesn't, go alone, but someone needs to represent.

People (or should I say - supposed friends) that refuse to go places because its 'too far' just piss me off.


If you wanted to play the 'the hell with me... so the hell with you' attitude... i frankly couldn't blame ya.

I agree with Don, if you don't go to the party you will look like the bad guys which is clearly not the case.

But, have you told them you and DH are resentful of the fact that they have not visited you since you moved?

I think you need to clear the air them. They are wrong to never come to any event you invited them to, I doubt they are that busy. But it looks like if you want to keep this friendship, you need to be direct with them.

Believe me, do I understand where you are coming from! I think there is a bridge between CT and NY and only I can get a pass to go over it. It really sucks! I have been down here for 5 years and can count the amount of times my friends come down. Our relationships have definately changed because of the distance (which really isn't that far). I hat they we have to 'plan' everything so far in advanced all the time. Some are better then others. In the beginning I went back to CT all the time, but you know friendship is a two-way street and they need to make an effort.

One of my closest friends (known her since the 6th grade, we have been best friends forever) almost didn't come to my engagement party, because it was 'so far and she had to work the next day'. I went nuts, I told her exactly how I felt and how disappointed I would be if she wasn't there (I was her MOH and she was one of my BMs, self-appointed matron-of-honor). She did end up coming, without her husband, and caught a ride with another friend. She didn't come to my bachelorette though. We moved into our new house almost 7 months ago and she hasn't come to visit yet. Her excuse is she can't drive in NY traffic, scares her. Give me a break. I refuse to go to her house until she comes down. We still talk weekly though.

LOL! I just realized how long my post was. Can you tell this strikes a nerve with me?