What would you do? (warning...LONG vent) (x-post)

Also posted on BHB......

Ok ladies, I need some help here.

I have two old friends from college who I absolutely ADORE. One was my roommate freshman year, sorority sister, and we were on two dance teams together. Love her to death and she has already been informed that she's going to be a bridesmaid. She's super excited for me and ecstatic to be a BM. Keep in mind, she lives in California, but is going to make it a point to stay involved even from across the country.

The other was my next door neighbor freshman year, and roommate junior and senior years. I also love her to death, but she's kind of flaky and VERY unreliable. She lives in Connecticut so is still kinda far, but MUCH closer.

When we were in college we always talked about being in each other's bridal parties, so I had automatically assumed I would be asking her as well. However, now that I'm engaged, she doesn't seem too excited. I got engaged on December 20, and on January 2, the three of us were supposed to meet up (we usually do about once a year around the holidays) and celebrate. Well she canceled on us at the very last minute. I mean like we were supposed to get together at 7 and she canceled at 1. So we never got to see each other. I told her to make sure she was available to come for my engagement party though, and she said absolutely.

Well now my engagement party rolls around. It's set for February 15, the day after Valentine's. Also, her birthday is on Valentine's. Well she never responded until I sent her an email asking if she was coming. She told me she doesn't think she can b/c her boyfriend is taking her to Boston for her birthday and they won't be able to drive back in time. I'm very disappointed and hurt that she's not going to make the effort to come. I would understand if it were a trip she was buying plane tickets for, but she's only an hour drive from Boston and only an hour and a half from here. And I get that it's the day after her birthday, but her birthday comes every year, and I'll only have one engagement party.

Now here's the real problem. I'm debating not asking her to be a BM now b/c I feel that she's not going to put in the effort or involvement that I'd like. But on the other hand, how do I ask the other friend (the one in California) to be a BM and not her when we're all just as close?

Thoughts? Oh and if you think I'm being too bridezilla, you can tell me that too.......

Thanks,
Laura

Thanks ladies. She didn't know the date in the beginning, because I didn't have a definite date yet. But I sent the invites out two weeks ago, giving people almost a month to RSVP and I had to reach out to hear for an answer (which is nothing new with her anyway).

I've responded to her email saying it's fine but that I was disappointed because I was hoping she'd be there. I think I'm going to give it a bit more thought and see what type of reaction she has to what I wrote back.

My friend had a similiar problem. In college she was close to like 8 girls but 6 years later they were still close but not like before. They also talked about being each others BM's but she didn't ask any of them to be in her bridal party just because things change after 6 years.
I wouldn't feel bad about asking the girl from Cali and not the girl from Conn. Even though you say you are close to all 3 it might seem like u are a LITTLE closer to the girl in Cali.
Unless the girl from Conn asks i wouldn't give her a reason why she wasn't asked to be in the BP.

I don't think you need to decide on a bridal party right now. You have no idea what is going on in her life.

If it's her birthday and her BF has something special planned, and may have had that planned for a while, you can't expect her to call it off for your engagement party.

Try getting in touch with her and see if you can get together at a later date. If she keeps blowing you off, then you should reconsider having her in your BP. But if this is just a 1-time thing where they already had plan, don't cross her off the list.

I had some friends who could not make my eparty, sure I was upset but it doesn't make me question our friendship. I think you should wait and see where your friendship goes in the next few months, she could be very busy.

And just so you know, I live in CT and I am two hours to Long Island, but 3 hrs to Boston, so I doubt her drive to Boston is only 1 hr or her drive to Long Island is much longer.....so it really is a long drive to make coming from Boston to Long Island. Its a long trip just from CT to LI in one day! So I kind of agree with your friend. But if her boyfriend did make this birthday plans without knowing her schedule, then that stinks but what can you do, who knows that guy could be planning a proposal! haha!. - jmo

I don't want it to seem like this is the ONLY thing on my mind about not having her. She just has a tendency to do things like this anyway. She's the person who you call and she says she's busy and will call you back but then never does. She's just not very reliable period.

As for the drive, I understand it's long, but it's not terrible. I went to college in Boston (that's where we met) so I know it's only about a 3 hour drive. I've done it MANY times. I would think that since this is a once in a lifetime thing, a three hour drive wouldn't be too much to ask. Maybe I'm being unreasonable though

Oh and I doubt it's a proposal. They've only been dating a few months......

o and you must drive super fast bc from New Haven it always takes me almost 3 hrs to get to Boston!

Or maybe I drive like my grandmother....haha

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Posted by Lsorrent

I don't want it to seem like this is the ONLY thing on my mind about not having her. She just has a tendency to do things like this anyway. She's the person who you call and she says she's busy and will call you back but then never does. She's just not very reliable period.

As for the drive, I understand it's long, but it's not terrible. I went to college in Boston (that's where we met) so I know it's only about a 3 hour drive. I've done it MANY times. I would think that since this is a once in a lifetime thing, a three hour drive wouldn't be too much to ask. Maybe I'm being unreasonable though

Oh and I doubt it's a proposal. They've only been dating a few months......

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where did yougo to school? I went to BU

It's not that I'm so much questioning my friendship with her. It's more that I'm questioning her ability to be an effective bridesmaid. Like will she be able to participate in planning the shower and bachelorette parties? What about the rehearsal dinner? What about picking out dresses? I just feel like there may ALWAYS be an excuse because there almost always is.

I have no doubt that she'll be at the wedding itself, but it's just everything leading up to it that I'm concerned about.

Thanks again everyone. Seems like I've got a lot of thinking to do.

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Posted by FallBride2010

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Posted by Lsorrent

I don't want it to seem like this is the ONLY thing on my mind about not having her. She just has a tendency to do things like this anyway. She's the person who you call and she says she's busy and will call you back but then never does. She's just not very reliable period.

As for the drive, I understand it's long, but it's not terrible. I went to college in Boston (that's where we met) so I know it's only about a 3 hour drive. I've done it MANY times. I would think that since this is a once in a lifetime thing, a three hour drive wouldn't be too much to ask. Maybe I'm being unreasonable though

Oh and I doubt it's a proposal. They've only been dating a few months......

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where did yougo to school? I went to BU

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I also went to BU! I was in CAS and graduated in 2004. You?