What you do after LIW...an instructional manual

I posted this on Kristen's thread, but I thought my loveys should see it:

You move on to LIF.

1. You spend approximately 36 minutes on the Newlywed Board.

2. You hop on over to TTC in record time with some ridiculous 'secret' name like BabyDreamz4Me, forgetting how you promised everyone, including yourself, that you were going to wait a couple years, travel, bake a cake, and buy a Snuggie before having kids. You become obsessed with OPKs, EWCM, smiley faces, the Big O (ovulation, not or gasm, who has time for that I'm makin da baby!), That ***** Aunt Flo, peeing on a stick, temping, babydancing and all the other JOYS of procreation. Screw drunk and messy sex, we are on a MISSION to make a baby!

3. So once you get your Big Fat Positive, you join the Pregnancy army, where all you do is complain about how fat you're size 0 azz is getting, how you cant eat/sleep/breathe/blink/smile/fart/poop/be nice/eat cheese/watch TV/etc because you're preggo. You bitchh and moan that these 9 months are hell on wheels but you can't wait to meet your bundle of joy! Here are pics of my bump! Does baby need a binky, a paci, a onesie, a swaddler, a a bumbo, a boppy? Awww lets just get it all! Sweet shower dress, you totally don't look pregnant!

4. So after that screaming, pooping, peeing bundle of babyness is born (God, I'm SO glad I got the epi ), you venture to the Parenting Board, but only AFTER you've been approved by the Mom Committee for Better Parenting. And if they don't choose you, you're FLUCKED. You will endure lots of as the Stay at Home Moms wage war on the Working Moms, the Daycare verses Sutter battles, the newborn shoots, the my kid isn't walking/talking/potty trained at 3 months, the mini-wedding 1st birthday parties, the OMG MY CHILD PUT A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE IN HIS MOUTH IS HE GONNA DIE, the I hate my Mom because she likes to hold the baby, and so on and so forth. But you're automatically kicked off once your kid reaches that 'awkward and not really adorable' stage.

5. So, since you're an old married hag with crappy tweenagers, you join the Relationship Board where you bitchh and moan about your DH (damn husband, not dear husband) and that he isn't Miss Cleo the psychic and can read your mind. Where did we go wrong? You scream to no one in particular, so you decide to blog about your unhappy marriage, to which no one comments.

6. Ahhhhh, now you've come to the final fruition of your LIW/LIF journey. Since you really have nothing relevant going on anymore you post random funnies on Not Family Related and pictures of your dog in his new raincoat on Pets.

Rinse and repeat.