When you don't like a friend's significant other...
sweetadeline
Posted:
Member since
When you don't like a friend's significant other...
...what do you do?
Of course, I have a reason for asking this question. One of my closest friends (let's call her Mary) has been seeing a guy (let's call him Phil) for a year and a half or so. They are going to move in together before the end of this year. I'm worried about Mary.
Phil has been less than pleasant every time I've met him, and he's obnoxious every time I see him in a group situation. He has very strong opinions and seems to pressure Mary to share them. She caves in and goes along with whatever he says. They go where he wants to go, they eat what he wants to eat for dinner, they rent whichever movies he chooses, and so on. He does not seem to like her friends and family, but insists on hanging out with his homies all the time. Some of Mary's friends have complained that she's completely lost touch with them. She seems to have changed her interests and her views on things in order to 'fit in' with what he wants.
Here is a dramatic example: Mary has not seen her family in a year simply because it would 'bore' Phil to visit them.
Now, I'm paranoid about men I view as controlling, because another close friend of mine married a real loser who cut her off from all of her pals and pretty much runs her life. So, maybe I'm overexaggerating Phil's rampant a$$holity, or maybe I'm not seeing enough of the picture. I also know from unfortunate experience that saying anything even remotely critical about a friend's significant other can be counterproductive.
So, what do you do in these kinds of situations? Keep your mouth shut? Say something? If you say something, how do you say it?
Sorry for the long post...
marymoon
Posted:
Member since
Re: When you don't like a friend's significant other...
I think you have to at least try to gently tell her. My best friend is on the verge of getting into a very detrimenta relationship, IMO, and I tell her my opinions. She may get pissed off with me, but we have a poicy of being honest with each other. I would talk to her and just kind of gently point some things out to her. not even maybe blaming him like 'oh how's your family? Don't you think you should go see them? I bet your mom misses you' and when she says her bf would be bored you can just say 'Yeah, I know, that *****, but maybe you can go without him, or maybe when he loosens up with them he'l realize they're a lot of fun. You stll have to try to see your family'
lrs2005
Posted:
Member since
Re: When you don't like a friend's significant other...
I would gently try to explain how you and others miss seeing her but leave it at that. I tried this with a friend of mine and for the short term lost her as a friend. Eventually she broke up with the guy and we became friends. She actually thanked me for telling her the way I saw it, but she stayed with him for about a year after I talked to her. So you may end up loosing a friend over this....
tray831
Posted:
Member since
Re: When you don't like a friend's significant other...
Sadly, this girl is on her way to a disaster. She has already adjusted her life to the way of pleasing Phil, and not herself. Unfortunately, most times, there isnt much you can do. You can tell her what you feel, but to be honest, she may be so caught up with him so deep, she isnt going to leave him.
So, IMO, whether you voice your opinion or not, its not gonna make a difference.
It will have to be at a point when she gets sick of it, and she will realize it for herself........until then....theres not much to do
dpli
Posted:
Member since
Re: When you don't like a friend's significant other...
I think I would feel like I had to say something. This sounds like a potentially abusive relationship and I would be worried about her. She may not want to hear it, but at least I would know that I tried.
sweetadeline
Posted:
Member since
Re: When you don't like a friend's significant other...
Thanks so much for all of your responses. I am really on the fence about what to do. I agree that the relationship seems borderline abusive, and that's what worries me. I don't want to sit back and do nothing if my friend is in trouble. On the other hand, I wonder if I'm just not seeing the whole picture, or if I'm making unfair assumptions.
Several responses have also made me think about the problem in a new way. Yes, I feel like I want to intervene, but I also now realize that my intervention may make no difference whatsoever. That's the problem... I may (and probably will) risk losing the friendship 'for no reason,' because, in the end, Mary needs to figure out what she wants for herself. Chances are that she will not listen to me.
Still, I think I have to find a gentle way to say something to her. I'm still mulling over the problem...
It's great to have all of your perspectives on the situation. Thank you again!
palebride
Posted:
Member since
Re: When you don't like a friend's significant other...
I have a really close friend who I've known since middle school who is dating a guy I'm less than thrilled about. She has horrible taste in men and very little confidence, so I think that's the majority of the reason.
he seems to make her happy though...so I keep my yap shut - I don't think it's my place to tell her that I think she can do better....
As long as she's happy, I's happy for her
dpli
Posted:
Member since
Re: When you don't like a friend's significant other...
I can only go by what you are saying, but my main concern (as her friend) would be the fact that he seems to be slowly isolating her from all of her friends and family. It would be one thing if you simply didn't like him, or thought he was a jerk. If that was my only objection to a friend's SO, I would probably keep my mouth shut. However, isolating a mate from people who love and protect them is a characteristic of a potential abuser.
I think I would try something like what someone said above....about being concerned that she hasn't seen anyone for a while and they all really miss her.
july06bride
Posted:
Member since
Re: When you don't like a friend's significant other...
I was in a similar situation, friend was dating a guy for a short time and then one day called to say she was engaged.... I missed my opportunity to say something to her about this relationship she was in, she is now married...If i was going to say something it needed to be earlier on in the relationship, but it was such a short dating time that i never had the chance... I wish i did! If you can gently say something to her and the right moment you should...
princess99
Posted:
Member since
Re: When you don't like a friend's significant other...
I wish I knew, I have a friend in a similiar situation, and I have kept my mouth shut. And she has been divorced once already.Maybe we should introduce them and they can be friends.
Preshy7
Posted:
Member since
Re: When you don't like a friend's significant other...
coming from a girl who has dated some azzholes, i always prefer when my friends kept their opinions to themselves.
if anything it leads to feelings of resentment, anger, lying, etc. and I do not recommend it.
if your friend is smart she will figure it out on her own, as I did and many of my other friends did. Although you are her good friends, somethings are better left unsaid. Sometimes in the midst of love, its hard to not see their faults. give her time.
jandt2006
Posted:
Member since
Re: When you don't like a friend's significant other...
ahh i just went through the same thing!!
sweetadeline
Posted:
Member since
Re: When you don't like a friend's significant other...
Posted by jandt2006
ahh i just went through the same thing!!
Stinks, doesn't it?
Thanks to all for your input! Still haven't decided... will probably have some dinner and some wine and think about the problem some more. Don't worry, I won't drink and dial!
jandt2006
Posted:
Member since
Re: When you don't like a friend's significant other...
yeah now he doesn't like me because of what happened, but yet he was at fault, i just have convince myself that i am the better person, she wanted to know so that is a good thing.
kdelace
Posted:
Member since
Re: When you don't like a friend's significant other...
Posted by Preshy7
coming from a girl who has dated some azzholes, i always prefer when my friends kept their opinions to themselves.
if anything it leads to feelings of resentment, anger, lying, etc. and I do not recommend it.
if your friend is smart she will figure it out on her own, as I did and many of my other friends did. Although you are her good friends, somethings are better left unsaid. Sometimes in the midst of love, its hard to not see their faults. give her time.
i agree... i know some of my friends and family didnt think my husband was the best for me (now my ex) he was a drinker, wasnt the nicest at times whenhe drank etc. But at the time, i didnt want to hear it from my family and friends, i was in love and was going to do what i wanted regardless of what my friends and family said. they supported my decision and kept their mouth shut. I learned on my own my mistakes and you know what- they were there for me to pick up the pieces- when i did leave him and for THAT i am grateful for-
september2004
Posted:
Member since
Re: When you don't like a friend's significant other...
tough call...
for me it always has depended on the individual and my relationship to them. rule of thumb for me has always been once the engagement is on my mouth is forever sealed (unless extreme abuse, which to date thankfully i have never witnessed). who am i to judge? i think a lot of people don't understand my relationship with DH (and vice versa), never would have seen the 2 of us together, but we are happy and so far a good match .
i try to listen, ask probing questions without being too obvious (i hope), and just let it go... i used to be very open, honest and candid, but it would wind up being counterproductive and just led to hurt feelings...
