Who is a wedding for? The couple or the family? vent!

cluelessbride Posted: Oct 02, 2002 03:41 PM

Who is a wedding for? The couple or the family? vent!

So my wedding plans are not even under way yet and family members are already chiding me that I should know that weddings are 'not just for the bride and groom'. Usually this comes from my FMIL when my FH and I say we'd like to do something that she does not agree with. I think weddings ARE for the bride and groom, especially if we are paying for it 100% ourselves, and while I certainly wouldn't do anything that would make anyone uncomfortable, I feel I should plan my wedding my way. Is anyone else hearing how they should think of other people when planning their wedding?

NovemberSue Posted: Oct 02, 2002 03:46 PM

Re: Who is a wedding for? The couple or the family? vent!

I think every bride and groom have people telling them how to plan their wedding. If you are paying for it, you plan it the way you want to. People can offer their advice but its really your decision and your fiance's.

Nanjoe Posted: Oct 02, 2002 03:51 PM

Re: Who is a wedding for? The couple or the family? vent!

I agree with NovemberBride. It's YOUR wedding..Plan it the way you want to and have no regrets.

michele31 Posted: Oct 02, 2002 03:52 PM

Re: Who is a wedding for? The couple or the family? vent!

Your problem is that a) you tell people your plans and b) you tell people your plans.
My advise (learned the HARD way) keep your mouth shut. DO NOT share your plans. When asked say, 'Oh, we are not sure yet' or 'I have been sooo busy that is not even on my list yet' When advise is offered say, 'Thank you so much for the advise. Bill and I will consider it' or 'That is very nice. I will think about it'. Then do what you want anyway.

I learned that by NOT sharing the details of my plans I have avoided many fights, arguements and unwanted advise. When I have shared info I get 'Not everyone will like that' or 'But Sharon did it this way and I liked that better' or my favorite 'Not one wedding I have ever been to did (insert topic here) like you are doing it.'
I also keep my Emily Post handy (like a Bible I can quote it) in order to 'prove' many of my plans when I need to, such as NOT doing introductions at the reception.

If you are NOT paying for a paticular item/vendor it is hard to keep stuff to yourself, but if you are paying then it is ALL yours.
Yes, the family/friends/co-workers/other people you barely know, all want your day to be 'their' day too, but it just isn't. It is about YOUR dream, YOUR vision.

dcbride Posted: Oct 02, 2002 03:54 PM

Re: Who is a wedding for? The couple or the family? vent!

I have received the same from my mom and FMIL(But FILs are contributing). FH and I told my mom that every suggestion costs $1000- that shut her up quickly.

cluelessbride Posted: Oct 02, 2002 04:00 PM

Re: Who is a wedding for? The couple or the family? vent!

You guys are the best! Michelle, thanks a lot - your advice was exactly what I need to hear - just keep it all quiet. You are totally correct; this way no one can offer me their $.02

Sonicstef Posted: Oct 02, 2002 04:01 PM

Re: Who is a wedding for? The couple or the family? vent!

Completely agree with Michele. Don't tell anyone ANYTHING!!!! If someone asks, tell them 'its a surprise - you will see at the wedding'

I know I would be really excited about something and someone would totally ruin it for me with their idiot commentary.

Thank goodness I had the wedding boards because it helps a lot to talk about it.

NuBride Posted: Oct 02, 2002 04:05 PM

Re:MIchele31

Great advice, I couldn't of said it better myself!

Scoop Posted: Oct 03, 2002 10:58 AM

Re: Who is a wedding for? The couple or the family? vent!

I agree with Michele31. Good advice. My sister got married last year and would discuss her planning with everyone...and everyone had their opinions, which made things so difficult. My fi & I went out and booked everything and then told our family.

Cindy Posted: Oct 03, 2002 11:03 AM

Re: Who is a wedding for? The couple or the family? vent!

That is the best advice that Michele gave. She is great with advice... I hope it gets a little better for you. Good luck!

ddunne23 Posted: Oct 03, 2002 11:03 AM

Re: Who is a wedding for? The couple or the family? vent!

My FMIL has the biggest mouth and I made the mistake of faxing her a copy of our menu choices and now all she ever talks about is the swan puff pastries we are having for dessert! It is totally harmless exctiement on her part, but after that I decided not to tell her much because she will tell everyone everything and I want there to be some element of surpise wiht our favors, etc.

charliesgirl Posted: Oct 03, 2002 11:34 AM

Re: Who is a wedding for? The couple or the family? vent!

I am in total agreement about keeping your mouth shut about planning your wedding. For my own sanity I can't tell my in-laws anything about the wedding.

michele31 Posted: Oct 03, 2002 12:00 PM

Re: Who is a wedding for? The couple or the family? vent!

Also remember; if YOU ask for advise then you will GET it. Phrasing anything in the form of a question is a deadly mistake while planning a wedding.
You and your FH need to also be a team on all decisions so it isn't him vs. you to the family. When you are a team in-laws (on either side) tend not to pull their kid aside and give their opinion.
And do not ask for a guest list unless you really want trouble. You and your FH know your family. Make a guest list yourself first. Then if you have the $$ or the parents are paying ask them to add guests. Give them a specific number of people that they can add (keep the number a bit low on purpose so when they ask to add 8 more people you can still say yes and sound like you are the good guy).

stacey27 Posted: Oct 03, 2002 12:51 PM

Re: Who is a wedding for? The couple or the family? vent!

If your parents or his are not paying for anything then EVERYTHING is for your decesion only.Im sorry but im totaly against ANYONE telling me what to do if im paying for EVERYTHING.That includes who i invite.Sorry about being so direct with my anwser but parents have no right to say anything if they are giving NO MONEY$.