Im writing this anonymously b/c I dont want my bridal party or friends finding it. Just wondering if anyone can shed some light on this for me? Ettiquette seems to say the MOH and bridesmaids pay but a few of my bridesmaids tell me that it's always the mother of the bride who pays and that they didn't think they would have to pay for it. A couple of them can't afford my bachelorette party if they have to contribute for the shower.
I dont know how to handle this since every shower I've gone to so far, it's been thown by the brides mother. My MOH ( my sister) already sent an email asking the bridesmaids to contribute for it and i feel terrible b/c i told my sister that i was embarrased by her doing that and i even offered to pay for it myself ( which is a lot considering im paying for more than half of the wedding myself with FH). Now my sister thinks a few of my friends are rude and thinks im ungrateful. I also go into a huge fight with my mother b/c i didnt think my friends should have to pay and now i feel terrible. My parents are paying for a lot for our wedding and the shower is a financial burden but they are offering to pay half and expecting the bridesmaids to cover the rest. Are they wrong in doing this?
Please help me...ive been crying all day over this.
davenjess
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
okay.....first things first....i'm not expert...
but i threw my BFF's shower last year - as her MOH. Her mother didn't offer to pay for anything...so all of the BP girls split the cost evenly. We all bought different things and at the end of the day - we added it all up & split it equally...
from what I understand and again i'm no expert....mom's pay for a BABY shower...i've never heard of a mother throwing a bridal shower.
I know for my shower - my mom paid for the food and the girls did the rest..
(eta for grammar)
ValnChris
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
I am not sure what is right or wrong but was in a similiar predicament. I think years ago it was strictly the bridal party that did it but now that things are more expensive, especially on Long Island, it tends to be the mom. I have never been to a bridal shower that wasn't thrown by the mom.
I am paying for my entire wedding with FH and didn't expect a dime from any one.....I told my bridal party not to throw me a shower but asked my mom if paid for it, if she would. That seemed pathetic but I really wanted a shower. Anyway, my mom declined this offer but thankfully my bridal party did step up to the plate and they are paying for a lot of it along with now my mother and father..I also know it is being held at one of their houses rather than a restaurant which definitely saves money.
Honestly though if you're going to stress over it and ESPECIALLY if you're gonig to pay for it, you may consider just skipping it. I seriously was going to...just because if I paid for it, I may as well just buy the gifts on the registry instead and save the stress of plannign it along with a wedding.
I havent had it yet though so don't go by my advice,it may be worht the stress...
I know the whole 'who pays for the shower' topic is a point of controversy - and while there is no right answer, here's my take on it.
My mom (parents, actually) paid for my shower (I actually planned everything), and my bridal party planned all the activities that took place (games, poems, etc.). IMHO, I think it's inappropriate to ask the bridal party to pay for your shower. Your girls have enough expenses as it is - an engagement gift, purchasing a dress (and possibly accessories to go with it), throwing a bachelorette party, hair, makeup, a shower gift and a wedding gift (and if they're staying at the hotel that's even more $ to shell out). That's A LOT of $$$. Being asked to be a part of someone's wedding is an honor - it's not something that your friends should go into debt for.
I have been in two weddings, and one shower was paid for by my best friend's mother, and the other shower the bridesmaid's paid for. I quite frankly, was furious to be put in the latter situation.
Again, I am so so sorry that you've been put in such a crappy position - I really hope everything works out....
sophisticat13
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
Usually it's the BP and the MOB. In my case my sisters are doing everything (they are my maid and matron of honor) and my mother is not (long story....she's really dysfunctional, etc). If my sisters weren't then I don't think I would have a shower. I'm sorry you are going through this. Perhaps you can ask yourself whether you want a bridal shower or a bachelorette party more, since that seems to be what your Bms are saying???
MrsD71208
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
It's however you want it to be. My mom paid for it because in my family, the mom always throws her daughter a shower. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable expecting my BP to foot the cost of a shower. There were over 80 women at my shower and I could never expect my BP to pay that much!
BUT, some people have smaller showers (at houses or low-key places) that are inexpensive, so BP's can afford that. It's however you want it I guess.
chrissybean77
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
I know people have different opinions on this one so I think you have to go with what you feel is right. Traditionally (and you can find this on plenty of websites or in books on wedding etiquette) a non-family member or the maid of honor is supposed to pay for the bridal shower. Also the bridal party would help with some of the expenses but not the majority of it. Basically it wasn't supposed to be the MOB b/c the bride's family traditionally pays for almost if not all of the wedding. Now obviously that doesn't always apply today b/c in many cases the parents of the bride are not footing the entire bill. I have been in a bridal party in 8 weddings and in two of them I was the MOH. In only one situation (my FSIL) did the MOB pay for the shower and the bridesmaid covered the favors, games and invitations. Actually that caused a bit of stress b/c my FMIL felt that she should have a say in the invites, favors, and games since she paid and the MOH did not consult her on it. In all the other weddings the MOH paid the majority of it and the BM's kicked in a smaller portion. Two of the weddings the MOB at the end offered to pay for half of it and in one the MOB came to us the day of the shower and asked how much we had each spent and the wrote each of us a check (which we were not expecting at all). So I know this is long but really what I'm getting at is that it really isn't anyone's responsiblity to throw you a shower unless you go by traditional wedding etiquette and then it is the MOH. I have never been in a bridal party where I did not expect to have to give some funds towards the shower in fact that is why I always assumed being a BM was always so expensive. So I guess I wold say don't be upset with your MOH she was just doing what many already think is proper. Maybe she didn't realize there were financial issues? Maybe just talk to her and explain to her that there are different opinions about who should throw one and that perhaps something can be worked out where it wouldn't put such a financial burden on your BM's. What about a shower at someone's house? Those are definitely not as expensive and are just as lovely as one in a restaurant plus no one is being rushed. I hope things work out for you and good luck (oh and sorry this is such a long response)
oktom22
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
From my experience, the MOH and MOB paid for half and the BP divided the remaining half between them, and also took care of the invitations, candle basket, favors/thank-yous...etc. I think there should be no expectations, but the BP should just get together and discuss different options and then decide on one together.
DD628
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
I think it depends on the situation. My mom promised that she would pay for mine, and then she started reading how the BM's pay...And I told her that that is not right. So she paid for the shower and my FMIL paid for all the favors and decorations.
I didnt want my girls to pay because some of them cant even afford lunch sometimes.
I would do what your mom can, your bm's can...see if your FMIL can help. After all you are marrying her son.
HTH.
FutureMrs.T
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
My MOH (sister) is paying for mine and asked each of the bridesmaids to contribute a small amount.
futuremrsfab
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
My bridal shower is being thrown by my MOH (my sister) and my bm's- I think my parents may have donated some money towards- but I cant imagine that mine is all that pricey- its at my aunt's house & they are just bringing in food & my FSIL is making the cake.
All the etiquette that I have seen has said that the family of the bride is not supposed to pay for the shower- and I think everywhere else outside of LI this is the case- so I guess it varies
RisiLeigh
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
I am pretty sure the MOB has nothing to do with the shower. If she DOES choose to help the MOH and BMs, its her choice, but her name should not be given on the invitation saying that she is throwing the whole thing. My cousin is an expert in etiquette and she filled me in. I have no clue if my mom is helping my girls or not, but I know for the most part, it's all them. HTH!
MrsHtobe
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
I was MOH in my sister's wedding, and I paid for favors, invitations (which I was so broke at the time, I had to get hand-written ones!) and contributed a couple hundred dollars. My Mom footed the rest and the BP didn't offer anything, so we didn't ask.
For a friends wedding last year, it was the same way, except the BP paid for the alcohol (it was at a Mexican restaurant) instead of the MOB.
It really depends on the situation. Sometimes the MOB can't afford it, sometimes the BP can't.
Maybe you can casually suggest to your MOH that they could just have it at a VFW or at someone's house (this is what I tried convincing my BP I preferred - everyone is already spending so much money, I don't want them to put themselves out anymore)
Future Mulligan
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
i think it depends on the situation
im not 100% sure who is paying for mine but i think its my mom, my fmil and my MOH (my FSIL)
Kerin2804
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
I wish you did not have to deal with feeling this way. I am not really sure about etiquette but I think the bridal party usually pays, if not the mob. I have been in bridal parties with both scenarios. Perhaps a good solution would be to have a small bridal shower and maybe do it at someones home. Each of your bm, moh, mom and even you could make something (salads, baked ziti, punch) keep it simple - cost is low and everyone wins
Lacey08
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
My Mom and my FMIL are splitting the shower. My BMs were not asked for a dime. I do think they are going be in charge of the smaller things though like favors and flowers. They have enough expenses for my wedding already and I don't want them to have to shell out any more money.
Why doesn't your mom ask your FMIL to help out with the shower? That might be a good idea. My FMIL was the one who told my mom she wanted to pay for half.
SadBride111
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
Posted by Lacey08
My Mom and my FMIL are splitting the shower. My BMs were not asked for a dime. I do think they are going be in charge of the smaller things though like favors and flowers. They have enough expenses for my wedding already and I don't want them to have to shell out any more money.
Why doesn't your mom ask your FMIL to help out with the shower? That might be a good idea. My FMIL was the one who told my mom she wanted to pay for half.
Hi Everyone, thanks so much for the ideas and opinions. Unfortunately, FMIL cannot afford to help out at all financially . So after many tearful phone calls and fights, my mom is just going to pay for the shower and the girls will do the small things like invites and games, favors, etc. If I had known this would turn into World War 3, I would have told them I didn't even want a shower at all!!! As for those of you who said have it at the house, there are too many people invited t o have it there and we'd need to rent a tent and tables which would cost just as much as having it at a restaurant. Plus, my mom already put a deposit down there. I feel so guilty having my parents pay for it in addition to a lot of the wedding itself. I hate this!
PP424
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
I'm so sorry you are having a bad experience with your bridal shower planning. I don't think there is no right answer, since everyone is different and have different situations. But I think the norm is that the Bridal Party and the MOB pays for the Shower. But sometimes it can just fall on the Bridal Party and other times the MOB.
In your situation, you may just want to see if there is a way that they can just do a small gathering for you bridal shower. I they do it at someone's house and everyone makes a dish, it can be less expensive and perhaps something more in your friends budget.
Good luck. I'm sure in the end everything will work out.
zoe282
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Re: WHO PAYS FOR THE SHOWER-PLEASE HELP!
In my opinion i think it's a lot to ask of the bridal party to pay for a shower if the shower you are looking for is at a restuarant or a catered event. My mom paid for my shower and my bridesmaids did all the work. It was at a restaurant and if they were to pay it would've gotten expensive. My sister was a MOH in a wedding and they had a wine and cheese shower at someone's house in which people brought food and everyone chipped in this way. If that's the case then I think the bridesmaids could afford to do that. SO this is my long winded thing to say that if your mom can't help or won't pay, then I think you shouldn't expect the BP to pay for tons of people to eat out...cut them a break and go for a casual event.
