Would you confront your FSIL or talk to your FMIL?

I've been home very sick with too much time on my hands. FH was great taking care of me. Which is why I feel so guilty about this...

FSIL just had a baby. I have far from shown any signs of happiness b/c she has made some inappropriate/rude comments to me when no one else was watching in the past. FH says that I should ignore the comments and that FSIL is the last person I should let get to me. I can't help it though b/c I'm pretty sensitive I guess. But now it's bad b/c I'm sarcastic/bitter anytime he says anything about the baby. Once again making me look bad. It's really the only topic that FH and I fight about... and really probably not worth it.

To give some background - FH has a son from a previous marriage - no biggie to me, his ex does not intimidate me at all. We never have fought about her or the child... FSIL said about 2 years ago when FH and I were having some minor problems and a fight that FMIL decided to tell her about for some reason... FSIL waiting until we were alone and said 'I could never be with a man who has a child from a previous marriage and an ex spouse still in the picture... DH and I never fight our relationship is perfect'. I know no relationship is perfect. She herself has 2 kids from her previous marriage but her ex left has nothing to do with her or the kids so I guess she feels such a situation is better.

Then at FFIL's surprise birthday party FSIL told me I had to sit in a specific spot - no one else had an assigned seat? I wanted to sit with my parent's and FSIL wouldn't let me. To this day I don't know why, and some people in FH's extended family do feel that FSIL is pushy.

At FMIL's b-day party she was asking FH if I was a 'cat lady' (FH and I have 5 cats)... I said 'excuse me' she said 'Your FH called you a cat lady!' Immature - YES! But FIL's love her right now b/c they adore their grandchild... understood. FH is going to visit them FSIL and his brother who live out of state I guess to see his new neice. I feel totally uncomfortable around FSIL b/c she can never say anything nice to me. I usually stay home when he goes to visit, and I know that if I go there may be people there like her mom who it may really not be appropriate to say anything in front of. Should I confront her and just say 'what is your issue with me?' FH and I will announce our wedding date this spring and I bet she'll say something like 'Oh your FINALLY getting married'. I'm already trying to find an excuse out of going to the FIL's for Easter... this isn't healthy and it's the only one thing in our relationship that isn't good. And it's not really about us!

I was kind of shocked and hurt that FMIL didn't ask FH what he thought about the hall we went to on New Year's eve for our wedding... she knew we were going to the place to check it out. She just asked him if we had a nice time, he said yes and talked nice about it. All she talked about was the 'lungs on that baby'. All babies have lungs- that's what they do - cry! I'm being way too sensitive - right? FMIL also blew us off last father's day b/c she claimed to be ill and blew off my parent's for Thanksgiving b/c she claimed to be ill a month in advanced (like heart problem ill). So then after the baby was born FMIL takes a trip to PA to see the baby - okay, trying to get over that one, but then takes another overnight trip to PA to see them for New Year's! If she's so sick how is she able to make these overnight trips? Or am I just not as important as FSIL b/c she has a baby! I may too one day if she plays her cards right - and I live in the same state!

Am I over reacting or do people need to be confronted? Do I tell FMIL about how FSIL talks to me?

Hey girl,

This is tricky. I understand where you are coming from, but on the other hand you have to be cautious when it comes to confronting people on his side. Understand that some people just don't realize that what they say...which they may find 'hilarious'...has an impact and consequence. From experience, while I don't think anyone should ever be a door mat, I do believe that it is in your best interest to take the high road on this one. If you confront FSIL it can impact your relationship w/ FH, FMIL, FFIL, and FBIL...this is his family so tread very softly here. Just let it go in one ear and out the other and just chalk it up to lack of intelligence. This is probably what it is anyway, so trying to confront or reason w/ them will be like talking to a brick wall anyway...trust me on that one. So all you will do is make yourself look like the witch in their eyes and this will only increase the behavior. I speak from experience here because I did make the mistake of confronting and swimming in waters I did not belong and it comes back to haunt me...and once you say it, you can't take it back if it does not go your way. In the meantime, try to avoid her when you can (should not be too hard since she is out of state). You only really see her during special occassions. It really does not matter if she is the favorite of the family...you are the favorite of FH and that's all that matters. It's not worth making a bad situation worse.

I don't think you should confront her... it doesnt seem like she has something against you but rather she's just that type of person. Like you said, some of your FH's extended family thinks she's pushy. Just ignore her, if you bring it up... you'll probably be the one looking bad.

As for the baby... your FMIL is probably all excited about being a grandmother and forgets that she's isolating other family members. Don't take it to heart. I know you feel less important bc of the baby... it doesn't really matter how much attention your FMIL is showing you... that's what your FH is for, to shower you with all the attention and love in the world. You are #1 in your FH life. Don't worry about his mom.

I have to add this...

I was playing back our answering machine b/c we had like 22 messages... 2 interesting one's that FMIL left for FH: one of them was 'Congratulations Uncle 'FH's first name'... no mention of Aunt 'me'. I'm nothing I guess... we've lived together for 3 years, I have this giant rock on my hand, spent 4 Christmas' with the family, but I'm not an aunt anything???? The other message from FMIL starts off with 'Hello my son, and umm, umm, umm, 'my name''

This burns me b/c if my sister had a kid tomorrow my p's would definitely include FH as Uncle even though we aren't 'officially' married... and people ask what the difference is between living together and being married???? Ha! Respect from family may be one thing... at least then like it or not I'm the babies legal aunt... I can't believe that! My p's already call FH 'son in law', she had say my son and my name - she couldnt say DIL or FDIL???? It would kill her to include me or at least make me feel included???? And I feel guilty about trying to get out of spending Easter with them? Why should I feel bad, I'm clearly not part of their family anyway.... I hate this b/c it makes me put pressure on FH that he doesn't need right now. He tells me the only problems are the one's I'm creating and that his family doesn't have an issue with me!

I wouldn't do any confronting any time soon. These people will soon actually be in-laws, rather than FILs as they are now. While they will not be physically living with you, they will be a part of your future life FOREVER.

FSIL sounds like the kind of person who speaks without thinking.

Some families are just not the touchy-feely type and they never seem to warm up to people.

As for the baby, all grandparents are like that with newborns. My own mother is completely ga-ga over my six month old niece, and isn't paying any attention whatsoever to my wedding. She doesn't even ask how the planning is going. And you would think that after the entire family had given me up for spinster-hood this would be the event of the year, but it's not - it's all about the baby.

True... I sometimes cannot believe how crazy people get over babies, especially grandparents. Obviously his p's have been grandparents before to his son, but I know that was very different b/c of the circumstances in which FH had his son and the fact that it's been over 8 years since they held a newborn grandchild, and too, this is a granddaughter... FMIL had 3 boys and has a grandson so this is the first baby girl for her. Hope they'll make as much of a production when we have kids, by that time they'll probably have so many grandkids they once again won't care. It just seems like the wedding is so far off since we moved it to the spring of 2007. 2 more Easter dinners and one more Christmas not married, not part of the family.

Another good point is how families differ. I have a very open relationship with my p's and my sister, I can confront them or tell them whatever I feel I need to. Sure sometimes we get into it, but we get the feelings out on the table... I know FH does not have this kind of relationship with his p's. I've never even heard him dispute anything with his mother... it's usually very 'hi, how are you, oh that's wonderful, okay talk to you later, bye'. Like superficial, but I guess maybe guys relationships with their families maybe overall different too. Who knows? Even with his sibblings it's like he goes on a first date when he meets his brother for coffee... not at all showing any real emotions just light BSing talk. My sister and I talk real stuff and have no problem telling eachother - I don't agree with you and 'battling it out'. Guess it's what you're used to.

Okay, won't be confronting anyone anytime soon... but did decide to 'kill 'em with kindness'... I sent FMIL an email wishing her a belated happy new year apologizing for not seding it sooner b/c I've been sick.