Would you end your friendship with your MOH over this?

Hello all. I'm a regular poster to the boards, but considering the nature of this post, I thought it would be best to go anonymous. I think you ladies give great advice, but don't want to say who I am to avoid hurting feelings of friends as I figure out how to handle this situation.

Here goes: The MOH at my wedding was one of who I considered to be my three closest friends in college. She lived in the same town as me after graduation, so by the time I got engaged we had been close friends for about 7 years. She was not generous with her time as I planned the wedding, but I did not have the same expectations as many of you for what she would do. I was just happy she'd be there on my wedding day.

Anyhow, I got married about a year ago. She has since moved to another town. Shortly after moving she go engaged. She told me via email days later (in response to a message I left on her answering machine for her birthday). I should have taken this as a signal of what was to come...

To sum it up, a few months passed with no details of her wedding being shared. Friends speculated that she was planning a very small wedding. I did not want to believe that very small meant not me, but did not want to be pushy. I figured she'd tell me when she was ready. Basically we ended up not talking for a few months -- I couldn't imagine talking to her without asking about the wedding, and she didn't call me.

Finally, I decided it was time to talk, so I called and asked her to tell me. She explained that yes she was having a very small destination wedding. She was inviting only family and lifelong family friends. She hoped I understood, and said it was not a reflection on our relationship -- just that she wanted a small wedding and had to draw a line.

So..... giving her the benefit of the doubt, lets say her dream wedding was really just X people, and that her family and lifelong family friends added up to exactly X. Should I be understanding that she wouldn't want X + 2 there as a measure of pure numbers? Should I accept that inviting me really meant she would have to invited lots of other people, and that this was a clean line to draw?

I think I would have been more forgiving if she had been straight with me all along. Considering I had to ask after months I'm thinking I should take the not so subtle hint that I don't matter to her.

What do all of you think?

I would be hurt if I were you. She is inviting some other friends who I guess she feels closer with. If it was just family,then I wouldn't be insulted.
I would continue to be friends with her but wouldn't regard her as a very close friend.
If you are very hurt by this,I would talk to her about it and see how she reacts.
If you are truly close friends,you should be able to talk about anything. You don't have to fight over this but just let her know that you are hurt.
Good luck.

Damn skippy I would be hurt!!!!! She was your MOH doesn't that classify as a life long friend!!!!

Sorry your friend hurt you this way

Hmm... I wouldn't necessarily end your friendship over this, but to me it seems that maybe she might not value the friendship as much as you do.

I had a similar experience with my BF from college. I adored her. She was there for me through some rough times and vice versa. She always came to me with family problems, boy problems, etc. I should also add that she was in a sorority. I don't have anything against sororities, but you'll see why I mention this in a bit. At any rate, her roommate since for 3 of our 4 years of school (in the same sorority) had asked my BF to be her MOH, and my BF complained about it the whole time. She had really been trying to distance herself from this girl since our junior year. BF told me when she was getting married, she was having her sister only.

Not too long afterwards, she got engaged. I kept asking to help plan, I kept checking in to see how things were going. FH and I made some trips to see her. She invited me over to her parents' house all the time whenever she was there. Her family thought of me as an extension of her family. All this time I thought she was just having her sister as her MOH.

I got the invite to her shower and she had 10 BM!!! Her sister, MOH, 7 sorority sisters (the same girls she complained to me about) and one friend from HS, and her younger cousin. I was crushed.

I emailed her to let her know how it hurt that she hid that from me, and to find out in the invite was really crushing. I wouldn't have cared at all if she had just been upfront with me. I didn't go to the shower, though I dropped off a really nice gift the day before. I went to the wedding and haven't spoken to her since.

I miss having her as a friend but it's apparent to me I put much more time and effort into the relationship than she did. This may be what you are experiencing with your friend. It's very sad, but maybe you just have to move on. That's what I did. I'm still sad to think that is what has become of our relationship, but that was a choice she made, not me. I tried to contact her a little while ago - she's moved upstate to Rochester. I don't have any contact information for her at all. I could call her parents but I don't really want to.

if you are so close w/ her
I would ask her why
but that is not nice of her to exclude you

I did tell her I was hurt. She handled it as well as she could, which was just to listen and not argue. So, she heard my feelings, and although it lifts a weight from my shoulders it doesn't change much. The best 'why' I can get is that she, her FI, and parents all wanted the wedding to be small. I just don't understand how to be friends at this point. She was MOH at my wedding just a year ago, and thought that it was ok not to invite me to her wedding at all, and to not say a thing about it to me? No one, not my DH or my parents could have told me she couldn't be at my wedding.

emdonlon - Thank you for sharing your experience. On the surface I'd like to think I would have been satisfied just to be a guest at her wedding -- but if there had been a list of 10 BMs it sounds like the same exact experience really... How far down on the list of friends are you and I? GRRR! So upseting!

I would be hurt also. I wouldn't end the friendship though. I just wouldn't regard her as a very close friend like you originally felt that she was.

AdviceNeeded - it's so hard, isn't it? You've already told her how you feel and as much as it hurts, that's all you can do. I don't know what is going on with your friend, but maybe she will realize what a great friend you are and try to bring you back in to her life. And in the meanwhile, maybe you might learn (as I did with my friend) that not having her in my life didn't affect me as much as I would have expected.

Try to keep your spirits up and enjoy those in your life who let you in.

I dont blame you for being upset:

Obviously you consider her a better friend than she considers you. Nothing you can say/do is going to change the nature of your friendship. My advice is to write this girl off as more an acquaintance than a true friend. Sad but it sounds as if this friendship isnt worth being upset about.

when a close couple friend of mine got married they had a super small affair- only 30 people or so. It was really just immediate family and she invited 3 childhood friends (she knew them for over 15 years). I was not upset nor did I feel slighted. I still attended the ceremony and wished them well. We are still very close friends to this day.
But they were always upfront about their plans and it came as no suprise. Also, if they had invited me it would have opened the flood gates to a lot of other people asking 'Why is Michele invited and not me'.

I think your friend is pulling away or maybe you both are but I highly doubt she isn't inviting you to hurt you or end your friendship. I mean, she told you it was a very small destination wedding. Maybe she feels that if she allows you and your DH to attend then she has to let other friends come too. Or maybe she feels it is too much to ask a friend to pay for travel expensives to a destination wedding so her and her FH decided it was best not to ask any friends. If you are already not really close right now, I say send her a wedding gift when the time comes and take her out to dinner to look at photos afterwards and see what happens from there. Maybe you both just need some time to re-join the friendship.

michele31 - You are such a better person than me! I agree that her decision wasn't one made by design to hurt me, but considering one year ago I made a very public statement that she was my #1 friend, that her lack of consideration for my feelings is really hard to forgive. I am so glad that your friends were more considerate of your feelings. That shows a level of respect that I don't think I received.

In terms of money/travel she knows I'm not struggling. All of her close college friends are in good shape financially.

Do others of you also think I should send a gift? Personally I think that would just seem desperate on my part to continue a dead friendship. This just feels so one sided, and I think my energy may be better spent elsewhere.

I totally understand that you feel hurt. I agree with everyone who said that she values the friendship less than you do. This doesn't mean she is a bad person. For some reason or other, she has grown apart from you. I'm sure this was difficult for her as well, otherwise she would have just told you the deal straight out. I don't think the issue here is whether she invited you to her wedding or not. Rather, I think you might take this time to reassess your relationship with her. Do you still think she is a valuable friend to have and one worth pursuing a relationship with? Sometimes if a situation becomes too hurtful and both people aren't feeling the same, then it's better to just cut your losses and move on - or at least to readjust your expectations and the nature of the relationship. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh.

Generally, I would send a gift...but Im not so sure in this case.

I think if you are someones MOH, that is reason enough for you to be invited to their wedding no matter how small. If she felt that you were not such a close friend, she should not have accepted the role as MOH in the first place.

I would be hurt too. This whole situation puts your relationship with her in a new direction. It doesn't mean it has to end just that you guys will probally never be as close as you once were.
Maybe you guys will get through this but in any event please don't stress. At least you now know where you stand with her.