NEED ADVICE BADLY!! VERY OVERWHELMED- LONG VENT . . .UPDATED!!!!! I AM SO HAPPY AND FEEL SO MUCH BETTER

okay here is my situation.

I ask friend to be a BM. She is living on LI and says yes. one year later, friend gets engaged decides to move upstate, but still plans to have wedding here. Contemplates having her wedding the day before mine but decides it might be 'too hectic.' Then decides she will have it one week after mine. I had to REMIND her that I would still be on my HM. She moves wedding to next week. I will be coming home from HM early and driving straight upstate after arriving home from airport.

Friend decides she is moving the wedding to upstate and wedding will be in AUG. a month after returning from our HM. Asks me to be her BM. I try to hint that it's not a good idea by saying'you know maybe it will be too difficult for us to be in eachother’s weddings now- if you can't be in my wedding anymore, I understand.' She says it won't be a problem for her. I agree to be in hers (even though I am not comfortable making the commitment.)

Her dress for my wedding cost a lot more than mine for hers because of the size she had to order. I gave her $$ towards hers so that we would be paying the same amount for our dresses feeling that would be the right thing to do since we are both paying for a wedding.

My parents are paying for 100% of my shower. I am being asked to contribute $$ to her shower- do not know how much. Her parents have $$ mine are just average, but my parents don’t believe that the BP has to pay to be in the wedding. They have enough financial obligation in terms of gifts and apparel.

I will have to get a hotel for all of the affairs (2 nights for the wedding, 1 night for bachelorette party (plus $$ to pay for her bachelorette party) 1 night for her shower.) She will be staying over friends and families houses when she comes down. I only want her to be here for the most important events – shower and wedding day. She wants me to be up there for rehearsal dinner, wedding, shower, bachelorette party.

Her wedding is costing a lot less than mine since it is upstate. Her parents are giving them 15,000 towards the wedding (which basically covers everything) and his family is giving them $$ too. We are paying for the majority of our wedding.

We are going to have a new puppy when her wedding comes and will have to put it in a puppy hotel (more $$), since we have no one to take care of it.

I know a lot of this sounds petty and I might sound SELFISH, but I just feel that this is costing me much more than I can afford at the point in time in which it is (overlapping with my wedding.) I don’t know what to do. I know that if I drop out I might as well kiss our friendship goodbye. But I don’t want to lose the friendship. I just feel like I committed to something at a time that I am realizing I will not be able to fulfill. Please help me here- I don’t know what to do.

Maybe you can find a way to cut costs, like staying with her?

Don't drop out but maybe tell her you can't be there for everything because you can't travel so much/get off from work all that time/etc. Or come right out and tell her that you can't afford it. If she is a good friend she should understand.

I understand your frustration but I think that it would have been better if you did it earlier. I know you tried but you should have insisted on it because it is not fair to either of you to have this stress right now. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I hope this advice helps a little.

Good luck

I have to also add something . . . I feel like we probably would not be friends anymore if we weren't in eachother's weddings . . . I feel like it is the only thing holding our friendship together . . . . Does this make sense?




Updated: My friend (BM) and I spoke and I told her that I was concerned that we both are stressing financially and I wanted us to think of ways that we can help eachother to make being one another's BMs as financially do-able as possible. She said that 'well like your mom, mine doesn't believe in taking any money from the Bms to pay for the shower' so neither one of us are going to be paying money for the actual shower, we have agreed that we are not going to go to one another's bachelorette parties.

I didn't realize (since she just moved upstate) that she was only 5 hours away (it seemed so much further when looking at the map) So either I will be driving up and back the same day of the shower or will be staying in the spare bedroom in their apartment.

I feel so much better. Although I might have come across not wanting to be in her wedding, I was just financially panicked. I am so happy that we can be in eachother's bridal parties without the extra strain! I feel like a wait has been lifted! Thanks for all of your support!

I was in almost the exact same situation!!! I asked a BM, she said yes, she gets engaged, books wedding for three weeks before me.

I dont care about the time line at all. I said to her after she booked her wedding that if she didnt want to be a BM in my wedding anymore that it was fine. she says she will still be in mine.

Months later she asks me to be in hers. I felt bad, but I declined for a number of reasons. One of the reasons I declined, was that I would rather say no, than feel like her wedding is a drain on me while I was preparing for my own wedding, and resent the situation. Im glad I said no, and cant wait to go to her wedding as a guest.

i just want to say this sucks royally

It sounds like its just way too much!!

In the end you are going to be out money and aggrevated IMO

If you don't want to be in her wedding (which it sounds like it) just tell her you cant afford it since ure wedding is so close.

IMHO...if you don't think you guys would still be friends if it weren't for the weddings, then you shouldn't do it. Why put yourself and her through the hassle?

On the other hand if you do want to go through with it explain to her that you won't be able to afford all of this and she might suggest helping you out a little or even just going up there for her shower and wedding. Keep us posted I hope everything works out for you. All the best.

I would feel overwhelmed too! If you were not getting married, I would say grin and bare it, make it work, BUT, the fact that your getting married is a BIG BUT...Its so stressful and I know I would feel that I could not make the same commitment to a friend as a BM while I was worried about my own wedding. Thats NOT being selfish, thats admitting how hard it is, and wanting your friends to have a BM that CAN do more and is there in every aspect.

If I were you, I would totally write her an email or call her and explain the money/time details, explain that your very unsure if you can be there for her in the way you sthink she will need, and want to be upfront about it, so she knows.. I have had BM's kinda 'avoid' me rather then plain out say how they felt, which would have been totally acceptable..IF I KNEW!

Evaluate the friendship, how has it been in recent years? If your honest and she cant see it, then truthfully, its not a stable friendship, because I WOULD understand if any of my BMs were getting married and said they just couldnt handle it...

The truth is simply how you feel, Dont keep stressing over it, talk to her and then see how you feel.

If you feel that your weddings are the only thing keeping the bond between you guys I would def NOT go. for one reason- mainly the expense this is a special time as newlyweds where you want to save for the next chapter in your life whether it be a baby or a house a new car, and if your friendship is ehhh why i hate to say waste your time and money -that is what you'll be doing. and if lets say it turns out you guys really would remain friends, true friends would understand. if she doesnt frankly you dont need friends like that as you move on in life- they just cause stress and drama. Sorry your going through this, its a tough time. but go with your gut, its usually right! good luck

I think you should talk to her & tell her that the traveling there so much is going to be very difficult. Either like someone else said maybe you could tell her you cant be there for everything due to time off from work or if you feel comfortable enough to tell her then tell her it would be a financial strain.

I don't think it is that close that you couldn't tell her that it isn't going to be possible for you to follow through & hope she understands. It is not like it is next month.

just because she WANTS you there for all these things, doesn't mean you HAVE to be there. Several of my BM didn't go to bachelorette party OR shower because they were from OOT. I understood and didn't push for it. You should NOT do more than you actually can do just because someone else wants you to. If we all gave in to that, none of us would be getting married!!

You do what you can afford....if she can't understand that then she is not a true friend. BTW...maybe there is a hotel that will accept a puppy. Especially if it's crated. Just takes a little research.

Not everything in life goes smoothe Im sure we all know that but I think to drop out because of inconvience wouldnt be too fair of you. Take some time to think about it Im sure you'll come up with a way to make it work for both of you even if you explain that you cant afford to do everything she wants but will do the best you can. Good Luck

Oh, If I was your friend I think I would feel bad if you tried to back out now. No it wouldn't end the friendship, but I think she might feel as if she's doing more than you are. This is a very delicate situation....

Oh, and did a company pay for them to relocate to upstate? Moving also adds a lot of extra expenses (buying furniture, dishes, bed linens, etc).

I'm sorry that you're going through this...my question is...did you shorten you HM for this? Are you now going for less time and then she told you she changed the date?

It is a tough situation because the friendship may not survive, she may get hurt that you are backing out...but I personally would rather know now than have a friend be miserable.

I think you've done enough in paying the difference for her dress (you really didn't have to) and basically trying to accomodate her...it's a tough decision, but one that only you can make...you need to decide if it's worth it or not. We're here for you!

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Posted by marc_rai

Oh, and did a company pay for them to relocate to upstate? Moving also adds a lot of extra expenses (buying furniture, dishes, bed linens, etc).

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No, but they brough everything they needed with them, since they were already living together.